By Trey Humphreys.
The gift of laziness instills a hatred for cooking and my lack of intelligence prevents me from trying. My pitiful bank account balance prevents me from eating wonderful food at wonderful restaurants like the ones with 3 stars on Yelp. This is my life.
I eat out every single meal. Every one. And let me note how sick I am of whole foods and their free range salad bar with zero HGMO’s and sustainable carbon footprint that always adds up to $18. Whole Foods. Dear Allah, please bring back Eatzi’s …
Now, so you know, I am from Atlanta so have been eating all over this city for the betterment of 80 years. I’m surprised I still have arteries.
Anyway, here are the top 10 non fancy restaurants in Atlanta that have sustained my existence for the past few decades:
10. Chic-fil-A: I swear to God if Chic-Fil-A decided to serve breakfast all day it would end the cold war and shut down every fast food company on earth. Open a Chic-Fil-A wherever ISIS lives and they will never blow themselves up again. Crazy bastards. I could eat 45 spicy chicken sandwiches in one sitting washed down with a nice glass of more chicken sandwiches (However, I will say that the grilled chicken tastes like socks and strip club carpet).
9. The Original Pancake House – This joint is next to Tara Cinema and is the best breakfast in Atlanta. The omelettes are the size of a fat girl’s head and the bacon is cooked in cocaine. There is also a menu item called the “Dutch Baby” which appears to be a 70 lb pancake the size of an active volcano and covered in 12 feet of powdered sugar. It scares the shit out of me.
8. Waikikie Hawaiian BBQ – Some weird dude runs this place and he intentionally spelled Waikiki wrong. They grill up Hawaiian bbq type food with a shit ton of rice.
7. The Earl – This East Atlanta staple smells of thrift store hipster jean shorts and Marlboro 100’s but has killer food for a bar. Who says killer? Bruh. Oh, and they have boiled peanuts which are GOD’S GOLDEN NUGGETS OF WONDERMENT AND EUPHORIA.
6. Sushi Kiku – Listen, I have no idea what is good sushi so don’t freak out if Jiro didn’t roll this fish. All I know is I usually hit the lunch buffet once a week and their dinner menu is always 50% off sushi rolls. You can wallow through 100lbs of fish and rice for $11. Mercury levels my ass.
5. The Mad Italian – I discovered this haunt when I used to go to the mental hospital by perimeter mall for therapy with some bizarre soft spoken therapist that wanted me to forgive my dad and love my inner child. Thanks. They have carpet and the soup is amazing. Therapy and carbs. Welcome home.
3. Waffle House – Shut up, you love it.
2. Fellini’s Pizza – There is no better value in Atlanta than Fellini’s pizza. They have a basic salad, basic pizza and basic beer. It is the greatest restaurant concept on the planet.
1. Eats – This is the best restaurant in Atlanta, Georgia. The jerk chicken is f*&king amazing and the cashier has tattoos on his face. They have half a million different veggie sides, chili, meatloaf and a completely different line for pasta. If I ever get married (Read: Outliers) the reception will be here and the honeymoon in Conyers.
Let me know if you have any other joints that are worth mentioning because I am pretty sick of eating at all these places…