I am a dude who has searched thousands of Tinder and Bumble profiles looking for love. Oddly enough, I am still single and have yet to meet anyone from these love apps. Perhaps this is because I am unattractive, old and poor. Well, this is off to a good start.

Let’s move on…

Since I have viewed every female profile between the ages of birth and death in a 12,000-mile radius of Atlanta, I have seen the best and worst profiles. I have come to the conclusion that some ladies are doing it all wrong. Am I an expert? Yes. And No. Well, maybe. Not really. Prove it.

Gals, here is what you are doing wrong:

10. KIDS – You love your 6 kids. We get it. However, Tinder and Bumble are about one thing only…how you look. And if you look good, we want to kiss you. Then you drop a pic of an awkward 6-year-old with a box turtle and all that romance goes right out the window.  Plus your kid has salmonella.

9. VAGUE PROFILE BIO – First, we don’t read your bio. We skip right to “friends in common” so we can look you up on their Facebook to see what you really look like…I digress…

Here is every female bio: “I love to travel” Great. Finally, someone who loves to travel. Like a needle in a haystack. Let me guess, you like the outdoors too?

8. PICTURES – If you only have 1 picture on your profile of your face it means you are missing 3/4 of your body from the neck down which makes for an awkward first date. I guess.

7. SMILE – Please smile at some point in your pictures. Loosely translated, a smile often times has been known to represent happiness. The duck lips and pouty face might work for models getting paid 100k an hour to wear Victoria’s underwear but it makes us think you are mean and love $12,000 purses (And those stupid shoes with the red on the bottom that Oprah wears). Overstock.com. Botox in your calves.

6. FILTERS – If every one of your pictures has the Snapchat filter with butterfly halo that makes your teeth perfectly white and your skin wonderfully bronze then you are hiding something. Gout? Chickenpox? A beard? Wood teeth? Adams Apple?

5. NO HOOKING UP – “Not on here for hookups” – Yeah right. Swipe your phone right into the trash.

4. DOG PICTURES – You love your Toy Goldendoodle Terrier Mix named Stinky Sprinkles but we don’t.

3. GROUP PICTURES – Dudes are the dumbest animals on the planet. If it is a guessing game we will lose. I have no idea what that means.

2. BLURRY PICTURES – Unless you are blurry in real life avoid the blurry pictures. And if you are blurry in real life then that is f*cking awesome.

1. There is no one because I am hungry…


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