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by Trey Humphreys

Breaking up sucks. I know 87% of you are in a useless relationship right now and are too scared to get out because A) you think you will NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE or b) he will change. Listen dear, life is too short to watch your pasty boyfriend play Sega Genesis all day. Break up, try vodka and swipe yes to everyone on Tinder or hack into Farmersonly.com and bed a homegrown.

Four and three quarters years ago I was in a committed relationship with a female human being. My daddy issues surfaced so I needed to break up (see also: fear of commitment, awful communicator, inability to “share feelings”, disdain of french kissing after 11 months, can’t speak love languages, general idiot).

Like most, I had no idea how to break up and was scared senseless. I thought about faking my death, moving to Covington or getting plastic surgery on my legs. Pathetically, I actually googled “how to break up with someone.” Swear to God. That failed but I did come up with the GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF ENDING RELATIONSHIPS.

Now, before I teach you how to break up, note how NOT to break up:

  • during foreplay
  • in the parking lot of an athletic apparel store
  • via billboard
  • over fondue
  • in the trunk of a Buick
  • on a group text
  • 3 minutes after a pregnancy test
  • while riding the Monster Plantation at Six Flags

WHAT TO DO

Here is the secret: WATCH THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE TV SHOW. Sure, it is a complete train wreck and the worst 2 hours of your life, but there is some little golden nuggets lingering between the awkward pool parties and dumb sporting competitions. Tape the damn show on your VCR and study how they break up. Write down exactly what they say and memorize it. Then go see your lover and repeat those words AND YOU ARE FREE. For example:

  • “I don’t feel the emotional connection I think we need”
  • “I don’t know why but I just don’t feel the spark I need to make this work”
  • “You are too fat” (sorry, made that one up)
  • “I don’t feel like we are connecting on a deeper emotional level”
  • “I am in love with your mom” (sorry again)
  • “I am not at a place I thought I would be this far into the relationship”
  • “You are literally the worst human being I have ever met in my life” (maybe not)

Not sure what they say because I can’t afford cable but it is something along those lines.

And now, break up songs…

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