Buckhead Atlantaby Trey Humphreys

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers,

Finally, The Streets of Buckhead, sorry, Buckhead Atlanta is opening this week. What is Buckhead Atlanta? It is the terrible name that your boy Oliver McMillen decided to call the new shopping / retail / office district they are building in, well, Buckhead, Atlanta. It was called The Streets of Buckhead when your other boy Ben Carter originally spent a trillion dollars buying up all of the old entertainment district properties that Ray Lewis made his murder grounds. Then sold it on Craigslist for $1000.

Since they have announced that some of the first shops will be opening this week, I decided to fill you in on all the hoopla.

First, if you live in the state of Georgia, you will not have enough money to shop there. However, you will be allowed to walk around and look at things. The developers are comparing this development to Rodeo Drive in L.A. Well guess what fancy builder folks? Rodeo Drive sits next to Beverly Hills. Buckhead Atlanta sits next to Brookhaven. I assume both neighborhoods have the same per capita income. They must.

Here are the new stores coming in that no male and very few females in the majority of the southern states can pronounce. I also took a stab at what I think they might sell:

  • Akris – Xbox games and Game of Thrones DVD store?
  • Brunello Cucinelli – $4000 sweaters and $1200 bowties?
  • Canali – Wholesale canoes?
  • Christian Louboutin – Religious bookstore and coffee shop? Knock off Fubu?
  • Diptyque – Dance club? BBQ on a stick?
  • Etro – Hospital? Public Transportation?
  • Helmut Lang – haircuts? Motorcycle shop?
  • Hermès – Hermit crabs? Pajamas? Cologne?
  • Jimmy Choo – Sushi? Toy train hobby shop? Sandwiches in a hurry?
  • L’Occitane – Literally no idea.
  • Moncler – Acne face cream?
  • Scoop NYC – Ice cream from New York?
  • Spanx – Sex museum? Child Day Care Center?
  • Theory – Educational tutoring school?
  • Tod’s – Pet shop specializing in European frogs and amphibians? Those dumb shoes with the toes? Self-Storage?

If you are like me and have no f*cking idea what those places are and can’t afford a $32,000 over-the-shoulder handbag, then you will appreciate the plans I have created outlining what I think should go in the new project.


The development will be anchored by a Golden Corral and Gayfers. My plans include several retail and restaurant options you will enjoy. There will be economical yet trendy clothing found at Uptons, Gadzooks, Structure & Bass Pro Shop. For those with a little more money to spend, there will be a Burlington Coat Factory, Wet Seal and Kohl’s. There will also be an underground Subaru dealership.

Included in my plans is the first Cheesecake Factory Outlet as well as a revolving Chick-fil-a Dwarf House on the top level. For local groceries there will be a Piggly Wiggly and an Alvin’s Island for Atlanta souvenirs.

Kiosks will line the streets and include Crocs, eyebrow braiding, Aunt Annie’s Pretzels and Uncle Bens Rice. We are building in a 24 hour Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit ATM machine as well.

A few other retailers include: Any Lab Test, Perfumania, Fashion Bug, Petland, Dippin’ Dots, World of Mattresses and Leslie’s Pool Supplies.

Entertainment options will include Laserless Tag, Wild Bills II, Jengaland and a 35,000 sq. ft. Hibachi buffet dance club. You will also find a full bar at Top Miniature Golf. There will not be 3-D IMAX because that shit gives me seizures.

Hope to see everyone at the new BUCKHEAD ATLANTA soon! Take out a mortgage and let’s shop.

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