Girls Diff Tops

The 2014 TomorrowWorld Awards

by Trey Humphreys

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the 2014 TomorrowWorld Awards. These amazing individuals have won new 2014 Buick Enclaves and a one-year membership to Any Lab Test. Congratulations winners!


Hottest girl goes to this fox that my friend Ace Amerson slept with on Friday night.

TW 1


Best squirrel goes to this fella with the huge tail.

Confused Squirrel


Pink tank top needs to go. Mom.

Girls Diff Tops


This year’s best DJ goes to Bert Weiss who is seen here with his wife Stacey.

Bert Weiss TW


By combining the River Dance and the Twerk, this gal who could only be named Barbara wins best dancer 2014.

tw water


The one person that is cooler than any of the rest of us this year was this amazing gal who rocked the front row at the main stage.

grandma tw


tw naked

Congratulations 2014 winners. Please head to your closest Service Merchandise to claim your prizes.




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The Oldest Guy at TomorrowWorld

by Trey Humphreys

Let me just state the facts. First, I will be the oldest dude at TomorrowWorld this year, as usual. Guess what? Don’t care. Second, I don’t own an iPhone 6.

Now, if you are not familiar with TomorrowWorld, then pull up a chair ol’ sport. It is a massive Electronic Dance Music festival held on some fella’s gigantic farm 20 minutes past the airport in Fairburn, GA, wherever that is. More specifically, it is 4 days consisting of 70 million DJs all playing the same song. A couple dudes from Belgium stared this neon circus and claim to attract around 60k people a day. I assume there are around 250 tons of glow sticks and a billion lasers that reach other galaxies. God bless I love this party.

Why, you ask, would a man of my age and wherewithal attend such a spectacle? Short answer, I’m a loser. Long answer, I like to dance and use vodka. Ask Jeeves.

Also, Atlanta has a unique dichotomy going on this weekend. I literally have no idea what dichotomy means but I do know this – we have three of the greatest artists of all time, all in Atlanta, all on the same weekend.

First, the greatest country artist of all time, Garth Brooks.

Second, the greatest rap group of all time, Outkast.

Third, the greatest DJs of all time including Tiësto and Bert Weiss.

Now before you get all pissy and claim Kellie Pickler is the greatest country artist of all time, The Fat Boys are the greatest rap group of all time and DJ Jazzy Jeff and Melissa Carter are the greatest DJs of all time, please bear with me. Bere? Beer? Bare? Damn it.

I pinned the Mayor of Atlanta on his Pinterest to see if there is anyway we can bus all the Garth Brooks fans to TomorowWorld and all the OutKast fans to Garth Brooks by accident. Stay tuned.

Furthermore, if you want to attend TomorowWorld and are allowed to leave assisted living this weekend, take heed to these very important tips below.

My top 10 tips for old people that want to go to TomorrowWorld (like me):

pink guy10. Stick to the back of the crowd. Never, ever, get in the middle or God forbid in the front or you will be licking sweat off a 21-year-old dudes back while he holds his brainless girlfriend on his shoulders. For 4 hours.

9. When they drop the bass, don’t look for it on the ground.

8. Leave your shirt on you fat ass, you are not 24 anymore. Or 34.

 7. The random pills on the ground are not Bayer Aspirin. Try them anyway.

 6. Hide from your daughter’s friends that are wearing string panties, face masks and glow braces.

5. Never, for the love of God, ever admit your real age.

4. Smoke as much weed as your body can handle to avoid seizures due to 4 million lasers and 21-year-old girls in string bikinis.

3. No, you have not seen Molly.

2. You already look like a Narc so don’t dress like one. And don’t take your German Shepherd.

1. Dance like you just don’t give a shit.

All right folks! I will see you on the farm.

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Top 10 Things You Need to Know About OutKast


Light up a Virginia Slim and break out your Boones Farm (Strawberry Hill, y’all), then continyuh…

  1. Per Peaches (0:38), OutKast is “fat like hambone” and “tight like gnat booty”. Urban dictionary tells us a Hambone is a term used to describe a fat jelly-a$$ who lives off welfare, is overweight and contributes nothing to society. And Tight Like Gnat Booty is a reference to the perception or idea of how tight a gnats ass would be if someone would be able to insert a large object in it.
  2. Erykah Badu is Andre’s (3:52) baby mama. Their kid is named Seven. He is seventeen.
  3. Big Boi’s little brother used to bartend at The Pool Hall.
  4. Best song to listen to on hallucinogenics is SpottieOttieDopaliscious. Best song to listen to while on the pot is Hootie Hoo.
  5. According to Elevators (3:18), OutKast has “come a long way like them slim ass cigarettes … from Virginia”.
  6. Andre Benjamin and Trey Humphreys were in the same class at Sarah Smith Elementary in Buckhead. Not even kidding.
  7. If you think it’s all about pimpin hoes and slammin Cadillac doors, you probably a cracker. Or a ni**a that think he a cracker. True Dat (0:23).
  8. This video.
  9. Cee Lo Green was allegedly supposed to be a part of OutKast. He’s featured in their debut album, Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, on Git Up, Git Out.
  10. Andre’s lyric “so go get yo f%@*ing shine box” in ATLiens (0:50) is a reference to the Goodfellas scene where Billy breaks Tommy’s balls. Little bit of a temper, that Tommy. Also, “cooler than a polar bear’s toe nails” is 8 degrees Fahrenheit. (0:31)
  11. My girl, B.S. (an executive at a fancy financial service corp), can rap every lyric to the entire Aquemini album.

Get down with OutKast this weekend in ATL (“home of the pimps and the money makers”) at Centennial Olympic Park. Click HERE to listen to my OutKast playlist on Spotify (in order of release date). Hootie Hoo y’all.

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Buckhead Atlanta

The New Buckhead

Buckhead Atlantaby Trey Humphreys

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers,

Finally, The Streets of Buckhead, sorry, Buckhead Atlanta is opening this week. What is Buckhead Atlanta? It is the terrible name that your boy Oliver McMillen decided to call the new shopping / retail / office district they are building in, well, Buckhead, Atlanta. It was called The Streets of Buckhead when your other boy Ben Carter originally spent a trillion dollars buying up all of the old entertainment district properties that Ray Lewis made his murder grounds. Then sold it on Craigslist for $1000.

Since they have announced that some of the first shops will be opening this week, I decided to fill you in on all the hoopla.

First, if you live in the state of Georgia, you will not have enough money to shop there. However, you will be allowed to walk around and look at things. The developers are comparing this development to Rodeo Drive in L.A. Well guess what fancy builder folks? Rodeo Drive sits next to Beverly Hills. Buckhead Atlanta sits next to Brookhaven. I assume both neighborhoods have the same per capita income. They must.

Here are the new stores coming in that no male and very few females in the majority of the southern states can pronounce. I also took a stab at what I think they might sell:

  • Akris – Xbox games and Game of Thrones DVD store?
  • Brunello Cucinelli – $4000 sweaters and $1200 bowties?
  • Canali – Wholesale canoes?
  • Christian Louboutin – Religious bookstore and coffee shop? Knock off Fubu?
  • Diptyque – Dance club? BBQ on a stick?
  • Etro – Hospital? Public Transportation?
  • Helmut Lang – haircuts? Motorcycle shop?
  • Hermès – Hermit crabs? Pajamas? Cologne?
  • Jimmy Choo – Sushi? Toy train hobby shop? Sandwiches in a hurry?
  • L’Occitane – Literally no idea.
  • Moncler – Acne face cream?
  • Scoop NYC – Ice cream from New York?
  • Spanx – Sex museum? Child Day Care Center?
  • Theory – Educational tutoring school?
  • Tod’s – Pet shop specializing in European frogs and amphibians? Those dumb shoes with the toes? Self-Storage?

If you are like me and have no f*cking idea what those places are and can’t afford a $32,000 over-the-shoulder handbag, then you will appreciate the plans I have created outlining what I think should go in the new project.


The development will be anchored by a Golden Corral and Gayfers. My plans include several retail and restaurant options you will enjoy. There will be economical yet trendy clothing found at Uptons, Gadzooks, Structure & Bass Pro Shop. For those with a little more money to spend, there will be a Burlington Coat Factory, Wet Seal and Kohl’s. There will also be an underground Subaru dealership.

Included in my plans is the first Cheesecake Factory Outlet as well as a revolving Chick-fil-a Dwarf House on the top level. For local groceries there will be a Piggly Wiggly and an Alvin’s Island for Atlanta souvenirs.

Kiosks will line the streets and include Crocs, eyebrow braiding, Aunt Annie’s Pretzels and Uncle Bens Rice. We are building in a 24 hour Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit ATM machine as well.

A few other retailers include: Any Lab Test, Perfumania, Fashion Bug, Petland, Dippin’ Dots, World of Mattresses and Leslie’s Pool Supplies.

Entertainment options will include Laserless Tag, Wild Bills II, Jengaland and a 35,000 sq. ft. Hibachi buffet dance club. You will also find a full bar at Top Miniature Golf. There will not be 3-D IMAX because that shit gives me seizures.

Hope to see everyone at the new BUCKHEAD ATLANTA soon! Take out a mortgage and let’s shop.

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Dear Dudes, It is Girlfriend Season

diem article pic 3

by Laura Diem

People of the Internet. Remember the last 3 months when we were all raging alcoholics? Happy and tan and hungover as balls? Well sorry to ruin your life, but summer is coming to an end.

This only means that fall is on the horizon, and its time to stop f*cking around. There is nothing more depressing than being trapped inside ALONE all winter – wearing suspiciously stained pajama pants and #tbt’ing every moment you didn’t look like you had a severe case of vitamin D deficiency and/or permanent ginger skin. Hey Ed Sheeran.

So here’s a short list of garbage I threw together for all the single men out there who need to get the ball rolling on finding a girlfriend this fall.

  1. The girl needs to be able to cook. Something. 

If she claims she cannot cook, this means she cannot read…or count. At this point it would be wise to check her I.D. If we are talking basic survival skills here, let’s bang out some Hamburger Helper, send a terrifying pic to @cookingforbae and move on.

  1. She needs to have a brain and use it. Most of the time.

This is CRUCIAL, and it becomes even more apparent when you are confined in small spaces for extended periods (Snowpocalypse ’14 Never Forget). If 80% of your conversations are about her gel nails or RHOA, run.

  1. A healthy sex drive.

Wait. This actually goes for all seasons. If she isn’t into it on a regular basis, she’s probably using you as a Winter FRIEND that happens to be a guy who she likes to bang after 300 vodka sodas. Let’s not make things more complicated, ok?

  1. A sense of humor. All the time. 

Dear god. Find a funny(ish) girl, or at the very least one that gets your jokes and can laugh at them. No sense in feeling awkward and stupid for 4 months. You can do that alone, like Trey Humphreys does 365 days a year.

  1. Maybe a dog or two, but avoid collectors of cats, guinea pigs or ferrets.

As a person who has (well, used to have/kind of still has/this is awkward) temp custody over a dog, let me just tell you this. Animals will get in the way of shacking up and the smaller the pet, the more likely it will stay in bed with you guys. That means one thing and one thing only, that ferret is going to lick your…WELCOME TO THERAPY.

That’s it, y’all. The basics. In conclusion, please note: Be wary of long-term girlfriending during this seasonal transition. Come next summer you’ll thank me when your girl (as well as myself) may or may not have transformed into an angry, pale, Pinterest-addicted Internet troll. Because that’s my plan. Get your own plan.



Happy Birthday, Trey!

Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$: This is a letter to ASM’s (not to mention Fur Bus and Pool Hall‘s), very own electrifying flamboyant kid who turns 22 every year at this time: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will always be your best buddy and be there for you for whatever you need. If you need a friend, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$.


If you need cheering up because you fee like an alcoholic, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to be there to show you that you’re not so bad.


If you love and are addicted to fat a$$ milkshakes and can’t help being a fat a$$, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to show you that you’re not alone in that battle.


If you want to shake your drunk fat a$$ and need some tunes (especially for your birthday party), Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ can help you.


If you’re a stranger and need a ride, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will pick you up in one of his buses and take you anywhere for free.

If you need a hug because you’re drunk, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will be there!

If someone is drunk and wants to whip your a$$, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will stand in front of that punch with his nose.


After all is said and done, to the most genuinely fun greatest human being friend in the world to be around and guy who will do anything for you. Happy birthday, Trey. <3 you, mean it.


PS – Congrats on your latest engagement!

Screen Shot 2014-03-23 at 4.25.38 PM

PSS – Reflecting back on your past marriages!







The Secret Tip on How to Break Up with Someone


by Trey Humphreys

Breaking up sucks. I know 87% of you are in a useless relationship right now and are too scared to get out because A) you think you will NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE or b) he will change. Listen dear, life is too short to watch your pasty boyfriend play Sega Genesis all day. Break up, try vodka and swipe yes to everyone on Tinder or hack into and bed a homegrown.

Four and three quarters years ago I was in a committed relationship with a female human being. My daddy issues surfaced so I needed to break up (see also: fear of commitment, awful communicator, inability to “share feelings”, disdain of french kissing after 11 months, can’t speak love languages, general idiot).

Like most, I had no idea how to break up and was scared senseless. I thought about faking my death, moving to Covington or getting plastic surgery on my legs. Pathetically, I actually googled “how to break up with someone.” Swear to God. That failed but I did come up with the GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF ENDING RELATIONSHIPS.

Now, before I teach you how to break up, note how NOT to break up:

  • during foreplay
  • in the parking lot of an athletic apparel store
  • via billboard
  • over fondue
  • in the trunk of a Buick
  • on a group text
  • 3 minutes after a pregnancy test
  • while riding the Monster Plantation at Six Flags


Here is the secret: WATCH THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE TV SHOW. Sure, it is a complete train wreck and the worst 2 hours of your life, but there is some little golden nuggets lingering between the awkward pool parties and dumb sporting competitions. Tape the damn show on your VCR and study how they break up. Write down exactly what they say and memorize it. Then go see your lover and repeat those words AND YOU ARE FREE. For example:

  • “I don’t feel the emotional connection I think we need”
  • “I don’t know why but I just don’t feel the spark I need to make this work”
  • “You are too fat” (sorry, made that one up)
  • “I don’t feel like we are connecting on a deeper emotional level”
  • “I am in love with your mom” (sorry again)
  • “I am not at a place I thought I would be this far into the relationship”
  • “You are literally the worst human being I have ever met in my life” (maybe not)

Not sure what they say because I can’t afford cable but it is something along those lines.

And now, break up songs…


Self Evaluation Sunday

Hey friends,

Many moons ago, a good, yet drunk friend of mine introduced me to the term “Self Evaluation Sunday”. Well team, I had one of those this past Sunday. This is a Sunday where you wake up and ask the universe a simple questions: Why am I such a dumb ass?

 Have you ever woken up on Sunday with your face stuck to your pillow from a face gash you know nothing about and a hangover worse than a moose attack? If not, enjoy your perfect life.


It all started with a clothing sale around high noon on Saturday with a friend. I don’t want to name names so let’s just call said friend, Enabler. Ashley Hesseltine, I mean said friend and I decided to swing by Tin Lizzy’s Cantina for some lunch and a “couple drinks”. You know the rest of the story.

Thirty-five drinks later, an Auburn win and a touch of Avicii EDM music resulted in a damn near concussion and bed time around 9 pm. Sunday was hell. Unlike you, I get hangovers. And my face is not made of steel. Ergo, my head could not have hurt any worse. Now, the question is how  mankind  clone sheep on Mars and play candy crush on mobile phones but not figure out how to make a hangover pill that works? Where are our priorities? My God people, if I knew how to use Twitter I would tweet Johnson & Johnson and get those bastards to figure it out. For now, I will never drink again.