by Trey Humphreys
Let me just state the facts. First, I will be the oldest dude at TomorrowWorld this year, as usual. Guess what? Don’t care. Second, I don’t own an iPhone 6.
Now, if you are not familiar with TomorrowWorld, then pull up a chair ol’ sport. It is a massive Electronic Dance Music festival held on some fella’s gigantic farm 20 minutes past the airport in Fairburn, GA, wherever that is. More specifically, it is 4 days consisting of 70 million DJs all playing the same song. A couple dudes from Belgium stared this neon circus and claim to attract around 60k people a day. I assume there are around 250 tons of glow sticks and a billion lasers that reach other galaxies. God bless I love this party.
Why, you ask, would a man of my age and wherewithal attend such a spectacle? Short answer, I’m a loser. Long answer, I like to dance and use vodka. Ask Jeeves.
Also, Atlanta has a unique dichotomy going on this weekend. I literally have no idea what dichotomy means but I do know this – we have three of the greatest artists of all time, all in Atlanta, all on the same weekend.
First, the greatest country artist of all time, Garth Brooks.
Second, the greatest rap group of all time, Outkast.
Third, the greatest DJs of all time including Tiësto and Bert Weiss.
Now before you get all pissy and claim Kellie Pickler is the greatest country artist of all time, The Fat Boys are the greatest rap group of all time and DJ Jazzy Jeff and Melissa Carter are the greatest DJs of all time, please bear with me. Bere? Beer? Bare? Damn it.
I pinned the Mayor of Atlanta on his Pinterest to see if there is anyway we can bus all the Garth Brooks fans to TomorowWorld and all the OutKast fans to Garth Brooks by accident. Stay tuned.
Furthermore, if you want to attend TomorowWorld and are allowed to leave assisted living this weekend, take heed to these very important tips below.
My top 10 tips for old people that want to go to TomorrowWorld (like me):
10. Stick to the back of the crowd. Never, ever, get in the middle or God forbid in the front or you will be licking sweat off a 21-year-old dudes back while he holds his brainless girlfriend on his shoulders. For 4 hours.
9. When they drop the bass, don’t look for it on the ground.
8. Leave your shirt on you fat ass, you are not 24 anymore. Or 34.
7. The random pills on the ground are not Bayer Aspirin. Try them anyway.
6. Hide from your daughter’s friends that are wearing string panties, face masks and glow braces.
5. Never, for the love of God, ever admit your real age.
4. Smoke as much weed as your body can handle to avoid seizures due to 4 million lasers and 21-year-old girls in string bikinis.
3. No, you have not seen Molly.
2. You already look like a Narc so don’t dress like one. And don’t take your German Shepherd.
1. Dance like you just don’t give a shit.
All right folks! I will see you on the farm.