By Trey Humphreys
Everyone is looking for a shortcut to a better life and more happiness. Well, lucky for you I have the answer: Drugs.
If Nancy Reagan scared you straight in ’85 and you think alcohol is goofy, then here are a few other life hacks that will improve your existence tremendously.
I was so inspired by James Altcher’s recent blog article about life hacks I decided to hack it and add some of my hacks. Now That’s What I Call Hacking, Volume 4. Remember hacky sacks? freaks.
- Carry dental floss sticks in the car within arms reach of the driver seat. Floss instead of texting your therapist in traffic.
- Whenever you lock eyes with a stranger, be the first to smile. It will change their life. Unless you are mutantly ugly then it might scare the piss out of them.
- Don’t do Adderall. It will burn holes in your soul.
- Try a psychedelic drug once in your life. It will be the greatest 5 hours of your life and you will meet God, laugh at nothing and get chased by trees. Good fun.
- Ask Siri what 0 + 0 equals.
- Exercise everyday. Fat people have smelly couches, snore and generally have mold in the shower.
- Shave a mohawk once in your life. This applies to female and males.
- Get a small iced coffee with light ice instead of a large iced coffee with normal ice and save $47 at Starbucks.
- Buy large dogs instead of small dogs. They don’t live as long and 98% of people are sick of taking care of their dogs by year 3.
- Never, I mean never, buy a parrot. Those bastards live 100 years, shit everywhere and are louder than most fire drills. God bless don’t buy a parrot.
- Spend all your money on expensive sheets. You spend 50% of your life touching this material so make sure it is not that shitty cardboard sheeting you bought at the Dollar Store when you were a sophomore in college and looped up on 800 mg of Adderall. To focus of course…
- Eat a banana everyday. That shit rules.
- Don’t eat a whole marijuana brownie at Coachella with 2 hippie chicks, a fashion designer and a divorced mother of zero when you are 40 years old and generally paranoid of people on the reg.
- If you are unsure if someone is too old/young to date, take their age and divide by 2. Add 70 and divide by 3 times your weight. Carry the 2. Multiply that by how many fingers I am holding up.
- Don’t masturbate in hot tubs.
- Try for a foursome instead of a threesome because there is always someone left out in a threesome.
- Don’t smoke cigarettes. That is some white trash shit right there.
- Poke everyone on Facebook. It confuses them.
- Whenever a waiter asks “how is everything” always reply “horrible” and smile. It takes them 14 seconds to process this.
- Leave the rebel flag out of your Tinder pics.
- Don’t ask Jeeves.
There you have it folks. The key to a happy life. Of course you can avoid all 22 of these life hacks if you just do crack cocaine everyday and sleep on a bare mattress under your dead grandparents house. Just saying. Oh, they are still alive? Wonderful.
For a much better article written by a much better writer, check out James Altucher 10 life hacks, habits and mega habits
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