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Happy Birthday, Trey!

Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$: This is a letter to ASM’s (not to mention Fur Bus and Pool Hall‘s), very own electrifying flamboyant kid who turns 22 every year at this time: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will always be your best buddy and be there for you for whatever you need. If you need a friend, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$.

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If you need cheering up because you fee like an alcoholic, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to be there to show you that you’re not so bad.

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If you love and are addicted to fat a$$ milkshakes and can’t help being a fat a$$, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to show you that you’re not alone in that battle.

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If you want to shake your drunk fat a$$ and need some tunes (especially for your birthday party), Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ can help you.

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If you’re a stranger and need a ride, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will pick you up in one of his buses and take you anywhere for free.

If you need a hug because you’re drunk, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will be there!

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If someone is drunk and wants to whip your a$$, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will stand in front of that punch with his nose.

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After all is said and done, to the most genuinely fun greatest human being friend in the world to be around and guy who will do anything for you. Happy birthday, Trey. <3 you, mean it.

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PS – Congrats on your latest engagement!

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PSS – Reflecting back on your past marriages!

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The Secret Tip on How to Break Up with Someone

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by Trey Humphreys

Breaking up sucks. I know 87% of you are in a useless relationship right now and are too scared to get out because A) you think you will NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE or b) he will change. Listen dear, life is too short to watch your pasty boyfriend play Sega Genesis all day. Break up, try vodka and swipe yes to everyone on Tinder or hack into Farmersonly.com and bed a homegrown.

Four and three quarters years ago I was in a committed relationship with a female human being. My daddy issues surfaced so I needed to break up (see also: fear of commitment, awful communicator, inability to “share feelings”, disdain of french kissing after 11 months, can’t speak love languages, general idiot).

Like most, I had no idea how to break up and was scared senseless. I thought about faking my death, moving to Covington or getting plastic surgery on my legs. Pathetically, I actually googled “how to break up with someone.” Swear to God. That failed but I did come up with the GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF ENDING RELATIONSHIPS.

Now, before I teach you how to break up, note how NOT to break up:

  • during foreplay
  • in the parking lot of an athletic apparel store
  • via billboard
  • over fondue
  • in the trunk of a Buick
  • on a group text
  • 3 minutes after a pregnancy test
  • while riding the Monster Plantation at Six Flags

WHAT TO DO

Here is the secret: WATCH THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE TV SHOW. Sure, it is a complete train wreck and the worst 2 hours of your life, but there is some little golden nuggets lingering between the awkward pool parties and dumb sporting competitions. Tape the damn show on your VCR and study how they break up. Write down exactly what they say and memorize it. Then go see your lover and repeat those words AND YOU ARE FREE. For example:

  • “I don’t feel the emotional connection I think we need”
  • “I don’t know why but I just don’t feel the spark I need to make this work”
  • “You are too fat” (sorry, made that one up)
  • “I don’t feel like we are connecting on a deeper emotional level”
  • “I am in love with your mom” (sorry again)
  • “I am not at a place I thought I would be this far into the relationship”
  • “You are literally the worst human being I have ever met in my life” (maybe not)

Not sure what they say because I can’t afford cable but it is something along those lines.

And now, break up songs…

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Self Evaluation Sunday

Hey friends,

Many moons ago, a good, yet drunk friend of mine introduced me to the term “Self Evaluation Sunday”. Well team, I had one of those this past Sunday. This is a Sunday where you wake up and ask the universe a simple questions: Why am I such a dumb ass?

 Have you ever woken up on Sunday with your face stuck to your pillow from a face gash you know nothing about and a hangover worse than a moose attack? If not, enjoy your perfect life.

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It all started with a clothing sale around high noon on Saturday with a friend. I don’t want to name names so let’s just call said friend, Enabler. Ashley Hesseltine, I mean said friend and I decided to swing by Tin Lizzy’s Cantina for some lunch and a “couple drinks”. You know the rest of the story.

Thirty-five drinks later, an Auburn win and a touch of Avicii EDM music resulted in a damn near concussion and bed time around 9 pm. Sunday was hell. Unlike you, I get hangovers. And my face is not made of steel. Ergo, my head could not have hurt any worse. Now, the question is how  mankind  clone sheep on Mars and play candy crush on mobile phones but not figure out how to make a hangover pill that works? Where are our priorities? My God people, if I knew how to use Twitter I would tweet Johnson & Johnson and get those bastards to figure it out. For now, I will never drink again.

Tom

Date Auction: April 11

Attention Atlantans! ‘Tis hours before the One Love Date Auction at Johnny’s Hideaway. Yes sir, our very own Jennifer Lester has mustered up every hot chick and luscious dude in Atlanta to raise money for her brainchild charity (that will save the world through kids and art), One Love Generation. If you have not been to this date auction, it is a true spectacle to behold. In addition, you can literally buy people. Myself (Tom here) and my pathetic co-hosts Ace Amerson, Joel Darby & Truffle Reeves will be showcasing said folks for your bidding. Some highlights include Jenni Leigh Robinson who Ace is literally in love with and chased for 5 years, John John Delladonna who has a dolphin fetish, Ashley Ver Steeg (NOT FOR SALE) & Sarah Shearer (FOR SALE), Ariff Glick who is way cooler than any of you plus many many more. Now, come party with us for a good cause. We have 25+ folks for me to embarrass – I mean auction off to you. Each person comes with some amazing packages well worth the dough you pay for them and it all goes to help the next generation of artists in Atlanta. And as if you needed yet another reason, DJ MADFLIP will be scaring Johnny’s regulars. Doors at 7, bidding starts at 8pm.  *Wanna bid on someone, but can’t make it out to the auction? Place your pre-bids! Email Lester for more details.

AND NOW, THE LIST OF DATERS UP FOR AUCTION (in alpha order)!

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Vday UNfashion Show

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Hello sweet lover! It’s your mistress A Social Mess. Your well endowed, lustful and busty Social Mess. I want you so bad. I need you. Snapchat me you sexy beast. Listen folks, here at A Social Mess we are not very good at love and whatnot but by George we are good at partying. Therefore, we are throwing a sweet little extravaganza on Valentines Day for those who think Valentines day is nonsense. Spray tans and botox, we are taking over Johnny’s Hideaway Thursday night, February 14th for the Social Mess UNfashion show and Lovers Utopia. We are going to highlight awful fashion on hot chicks and fat dudes. We are also going to bring in our DJs, Johnnys DJs and a myraid of Atlanta’s finest folks. This is a FREE party so come play with us. You will laugh, you will cry and you might go home with someone in your grandparents bingo group. Enjoy the sweet, sultry sounds of DJ CANNONBALL and DJ MADFLIP whilst previewing 2013 fashions only approved by A Social Mess and modeled by hot and not Social Mess Models. THURSDAY FEB 14th 8 pm – who cares, JOHNNY’S HIDEAWAY! FREE! Get your free ticket HERE.

21+, Tickets are first come first serve at the door.

Lepre*CON 2013 Shots

Someone, anyone, please tell me how (exactly how) ANYONE who lives in Ireland is still alive. Lepre*CON 2013 beat us like things that really get beat up. ONE HELL OF A PARTY. Best party yet! God Bless you people. We want to thank all of you booze-hounds who showed up in a frenzy Saturday. We can’t wait to do it again. Now, here are the pictures from the greatest St. Pats party of all time (well at least the ones the sober lawyers say we can release). Look for the others on Cinemax.LepreCON 2013

LepreCON 2013

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Call the NRA, this ones doing to be outrageous. A Social Mess presents the 4th annual LEPRE*CON 2013! Last year we has a small gathering of 4000 people and this year we are going large! Saturday, March 16th at Park Tavern: 3 pm till the Irish win a football game. The Spring Break Stage is BACK and we are making the contest more illegal full of debauchery.  We are also bringing in the current DJ from LMFAO – DJ Dainjazone, and original Beastie Boys DJ – DJ Hurricane to our usual Madflip hoopla…because they can PARTY. This is the St. Patrick’s day party of all parties. Ireland will be closed as they all will be at the Park Tavern. Wait till you see who we have hosting this beast! Oh lawd. Wear green, wear chaps, wear chains, wear your mother – we don’t care. Get your ticket now because we have to shut of presale tickets at 2000 (’til we know the weather permits!). Rules are rules, man. CONTESTS, DJS, HALF NUDE CHICKS, WET TSHIRTS, BUD LIGHT, JAGERMEISTER SHOTS, BUNIONS, FOAM PIT and real bull riding if we can talk Park Tavern into it. Love you.

And now, here is a video from last year’s mayhem. Enjoy. GET TICKETS.

Hosted by: Alex Branch, Abigail Thompson, Allie Burrow, Ashley Hesseltine, Bonnie Lee, Brian Sernulka, Brian Stearns, Buddy Owen, Casey Arundel, Jenny Tribuzio, Jacob SNAKE Schumaker, Jennifer Lester, Jimbo Tomanchek, Joe Rountree, John John “FREE HUGS” Delladonna, Katie Jackson, Kelly Chase, Kelly O’Brien, Kim Junod, Libby Vawter Duncan, Keri Kilgore, Logan Duke, Macy Omer, Jay “MAYOR” Winter, Mercedes Montalvo, Matt Stephen (Cheater), Meagan Cavanaugh, Mick McDonald, Nathan Rigsby, Rae Riccio, Tom Rittle, SaraBeth Custin, Trey Humphreys

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The World’s Greatest Most Fantastic Super Duper Anti-hotel New Year’s Eve Gala Extravaganza in the Universe. Ever. Part IV.

A Social Mess, in all its glory, is proud to present THE WORLDS GREATEST, MOST FANTASTIC SUPER DUPER ANTI-HOTEL NEW YEARS EVE GALA EXTRAVAGANZA IN THE UNIVERSE. EVER. PART IV. This epic New Year’s Eve Party will be the sexiest soiree in all of Atlanta and surrounding countries with 1,500 of the hottest ladies and gents in the South ringing in 2013 with a BANG. You’ll enter through a masquerade ball in the front of the BUCKHEAD THEATRE, so wear a mask and show off your mysterious side. To set the mood and keep you dancing all night long, we’ll have world-famous(ish) DJs Madflip, Mynd, Cannonball, and those wild Pananama City Boyz on old-school turntables on stage and the smokin’ hot DJ Camille ripping up the ones and twos in the center of the ballroom.

What about whip cream? We got you covered (only if you want to be). Whip cream wrestling? Sure, why not? Near-naked hotties in body paint? Done. Massive dessert/candy buffet? We know what you want. And because we’re sweet, let’s throw in Social Mess Candy Girls giving out free suckers all night long and if you can guess how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, we’ll enter you in the midnight kissing contest (still working out the kinks on that one). Don’t forget about the confetti and condom drop at midnight (safety first), and surprise antics only A Social Mess could pull off.

As for a few MINOR DETAILS: Open bar ALL NIGHT long with premium liquors and no lines, delicious food spread, complimentary coat check, massive restrooms, prop-filled photo booth, and 10,000+ square feet of pure amazing. Wear a tux or a sparkly party dress. Wear jean cut-offs and a Starter jacket. We don’t care! Get your tickets now before the price goes up like a 14-year-old watching Cinemax. We’re also presenting the first-ever VIP areas in the history of Social Mess events! Slow down, Cletus, there will only be two, but they will be BALLER SHOT CALLER status, so stay tuned for more info. Email us at events@asocialmess.com for group discounts for ten or more.

Justin Timberlake don’t know nothin’ about this kinda of sexy. GET TICKETS.

  • 31 BARTENDERS + NO LINES + PREMIUM OPEN BARS 8-2:30AM
  • MIDNIGHT CHAMPAGNE TOAST
  • BUD LIGHT GALORE
  • CONFETTI BALLOON DROP
  • COMPLIMENTARY FOOD SPREAD
  • 8,000 SQ FT. MAIN STAGE BALLROOM
  • FOUR DJs ON DECK AT ONCE
  • GLORIOUS LIGHT SHOW + GIANT DISCO BALL
  • PEOPLE IN COSTUMES
  • COUNTLESS SURPRISE ACTS ALL NIGHT
  • 7,000 SQ FT. LOBBY AREA
  • COMPLIMENTARY COAT CHECK
  • WEAR BLACK TIE OR JEAN SHORTS
  • 6,000 SQ FT. 2nd LEVEL PARTY
  • NYE PARTY FAVORS
  • CABARET DANCERS
  • THE MIDNIGHT DRUM LINE
  • 2013 PHOTO BOOTH
  • THE 2nd ACT OF A SOCIAL MESS’ GOSPEL CHOIR
  • GIANT RESTROOMS
  • 1,500 PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A MIDNIGHT FRENCH TONGUE KISS!

Tickets on sale NOW…GET EM HERE!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY A SOCIAL MESS’ DANGER SQUAD: Abigail Thompson, Alex Branch, Alexi Wilbourn, Allie Burrow, Ashley HESSeltine, Bonnie Lee, Brian Sernulka, Brian Stearns, Buddy Owen, Eli Nagle, Jacob SNAKE Schumaker, Jay Mayor Winter, Jennifer LESTER, Jimbo Tomanchek, Joe Rountree, Joel Darby, John John “FREE HUGS” Delladonna, Jonathan J-YO Young, Katie Jackson, Kelly O’Brien, Keri Kilgore, Kim NO PANTS Junod, Libby Vawter Duncan, Logan Duke, Macy Omer, Matt Stephen, Meagan Cavanaugh, Mick McDonald, Nathan Rigsby, Rae Ricio, SaraBeth Custin, Tom Rittle, Trey TOM Humphreys