Buckhead Atlanta

The New Buckhead

Buckhead Atlantaby Trey Humphreys

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers,

Finally, The Streets of Buckhead, sorry, Buckhead Atlanta is opening this week. What is Buckhead Atlanta? It is the terrible name that your boy Oliver McMillen decided to call the new shopping / retail / office district they are building in, well, Buckhead, Atlanta. It was called The Streets of Buckhead when your other boy Ben Carter originally spent a trillion dollars buying up all of the old entertainment district properties that Ray Lewis made his murder grounds. Then sold it on Craigslist for $1000.

Since they have announced that some of the first shops will be opening this week, I decided to fill you in on all the hoopla.

First, if you live in the state of Georgia, you will not have enough money to shop there. However, you will be allowed to walk around and look at things. The developers are comparing this development to Rodeo Drive in L.A. Well guess what fancy builder folks? Rodeo Drive sits next to Beverly Hills. Buckhead Atlanta sits next to Brookhaven. I assume both neighborhoods have the same per capita income. They must.

Here are the new stores coming in that no male and very few females in the majority of the southern states can pronounce. I also took a stab at what I think they might sell:

  • Akris – Xbox games and Game of Thrones DVD store?
  • Brunello Cucinelli – $4000 sweaters and $1200 bowties?
  • Canali – Wholesale canoes?
  • Christian Louboutin – Religious bookstore and coffee shop? Knock off Fubu?
  • Diptyque – Dance club? BBQ on a stick?
  • Etro – Hospital? Public Transportation?
  • Helmut Lang – haircuts? Motorcycle shop?
  • Hermès – Hermit crabs? Pajamas? Cologne?
  • Jimmy Choo – Sushi? Toy train hobby shop? Sandwiches in a hurry?
  • L’Occitane – Literally no idea.
  • Moncler – Acne face cream?
  • Scoop NYC – Ice cream from New York?
  • Spanx – Sex museum? Child Day Care Center?
  • Theory – Educational tutoring school?
  • Tod’s – Pet shop specializing in European frogs and amphibians? Those dumb shoes with the toes? Self-Storage?

If you are like me and have no f*cking idea what those places are and can’t afford a $32,000 over-the-shoulder handbag, then you will appreciate the plans I have created outlining what I think should go in the new project.

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The development will be anchored by a Golden Corral and Gayfers. My plans include several retail and restaurant options you will enjoy. There will be economical yet trendy clothing found at Uptons, Gadzooks, Structure & Bass Pro Shop. For those with a little more money to spend, there will be a Burlington Coat Factory, Wet Seal and Kohl’s. There will also be an underground Subaru dealership.

Included in my plans is the first Cheesecake Factory Outlet as well as a revolving Chick-fil-a Dwarf House on the top level. For local groceries there will be a Piggly Wiggly and an Alvin’s Island for Atlanta souvenirs.

Kiosks will line the streets and include Crocs, eyebrow braiding, Aunt Annie’s Pretzels and Uncle Bens Rice. We are building in a 24 hour Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit ATM machine as well.

A few other retailers include: Any Lab Test, Perfumania, Fashion Bug, Petland, Dippin’ Dots, World of Mattresses and Leslie’s Pool Supplies.

Entertainment options will include Laserless Tag, Wild Bills II, Jengaland and a 35,000 sq. ft. Hibachi buffet dance club. You will also find a full bar at Top Miniature Golf. There will not be 3-D IMAX because that shit gives me seizures.

Hope to see everyone at the new BUCKHEAD ATLANTA soon! Take out a mortgage and let’s shop.

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WinterGirlfriend

Dear Dudes, It is Girlfriend Season

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by Laura Diem

People of the Internet. Remember the last 3 months when we were all raging alcoholics? Happy and tan and hungover as balls? Well sorry to ruin your life, but summer is coming to an end.

This only means that fall is on the horizon, and its time to stop f*cking around. There is nothing more depressing than being trapped inside ALONE all winter – wearing suspiciously stained pajama pants and #tbt’ing every moment you didn’t look like you had a severe case of vitamin D deficiency and/or permanent ginger skin. Hey Ed Sheeran.

So here’s a short list of garbage I threw together for all the single men out there who need to get the ball rolling on finding a girlfriend this fall.

  1. The girl needs to be able to cook. Something. 

If she claims she cannot cook, this means she cannot read…or count. At this point it would be wise to check her I.D. If we are talking basic survival skills here, let’s bang out some Hamburger Helper, send a terrifying pic to @cookingforbae and move on.

  1. She needs to have a brain and use it. Most of the time.

This is CRUCIAL, and it becomes even more apparent when you are confined in small spaces for extended periods (Snowpocalypse ’14 Never Forget). If 80% of your conversations are about her gel nails or RHOA, run.

  1. A healthy sex drive.

Wait. This actually goes for all seasons. If she isn’t into it on a regular basis, she’s probably using you as a Winter FRIEND that happens to be a guy who she likes to bang after 300 vodka sodas. Let’s not make things more complicated, ok?

  1. A sense of humor. All the time. 

Dear god. Find a funny(ish) girl, or at the very least one that gets your jokes and can laugh at them. No sense in feeling awkward and stupid for 4 months. You can do that alone, like Trey Humphreys does 365 days a year.

  1. Maybe a dog or two, but avoid collectors of cats, guinea pigs or ferrets.

As a person who has (well, used to have/kind of still has/this is awkward) temp custody over a dog, let me just tell you this. Animals will get in the way of shacking up and the smaller the pet, the more likely it will stay in bed with you guys. That means one thing and one thing only, that ferret is going to lick your…WELCOME TO THERAPY.

That’s it, y’all. The basics. In conclusion, please note: Be wary of long-term girlfriending during this seasonal transition. Come next summer you’ll thank me when your girl (as well as myself) may or may not have transformed into an angry, pale, Pinterest-addicted Internet troll. Because that’s my plan. Get your own plan.

Tix

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Happy Birthday, Trey!

Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$: This is a letter to ASM’s (not to mention Fur Bus and Pool Hall‘s), very own electrifying flamboyant kid who turns 22 every year at this time: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will always be your best buddy and be there for you for whatever you need. If you need a friend, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$.

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If you need cheering up because you fee like an alcoholic, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to be there to show you that you’re not so bad.

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If you love and are addicted to fat a$$ milkshakes and can’t help being a fat a$$, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to show you that you’re not alone in that battle.

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If you want to shake your drunk fat a$$ and need some tunes (especially for your birthday party), Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ can help you.

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If you’re a stranger and need a ride, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will pick you up in one of his buses and take you anywhere for free.

If you need a hug because you’re drunk, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will be there!

If someone is drunk and wants to whip your a$$, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will stand in front of that punch with his nose.

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After all is said and done, to the most genuinely fun greatest human being friend in the world to be around and guy who will do anything for you. Happy birthday, Trey. <3 you, mean it.

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PS – Congrats on your latest engagement!

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PSS – Reflecting back on your past marriages!

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The Secret Tip on How to Break Up with Someone

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by Trey Humphreys

Breaking up sucks. I know 87% of you are in a useless relationship right now and are too scared to get out because A) you think you will NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE or b) he will change. Listen dear, life is too short to watch your pasty boyfriend play Sega Genesis all day. Break up, try vodka and swipe yes to everyone on Tinder or hack into Farmersonly.com and bed a homegrown.

Four and three quarters years ago I was in a committed relationship with a female human being. My daddy issues surfaced so I needed to break up (see also: fear of commitment, awful communicator, inability to “share feelings”, disdain of french kissing after 11 months, can’t speak love languages, general idiot).

Like most, I had no idea how to break up and was scared senseless. I thought about faking my death, moving to Covington or getting plastic surgery on my legs. Pathetically, I actually googled “how to break up with someone.” Swear to God. That failed but I did come up with the GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF ENDING RELATIONSHIPS.

Now, before I teach you how to break up, note how NOT to break up:

  • during foreplay
  • in the parking lot of an athletic apparel store
  • via billboard
  • over fondue
  • in the trunk of a Buick
  • on a group text
  • 3 minutes after a pregnancy test
  • while riding the Monster Plantation at Six Flags

WHAT TO DO

Here is the secret: WATCH THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE TV SHOW. Sure, it is a complete train wreck and the worst 2 hours of your life, but there is some little golden nuggets lingering between the awkward pool parties and dumb sporting competitions. Tape the damn show on your VCR and study how they break up. Write down exactly what they say and memorize it. Then go see your lover and repeat those words AND YOU ARE FREE. For example:

  • “I don’t feel the emotional connection I think we need”
  • “I don’t know why but I just don’t feel the spark I need to make this work”
  • “You are too fat” (sorry, made that one up)
  • “I don’t feel like we are connecting on a deeper emotional level”
  • “I am in love with your mom” (sorry again)
  • “I am not at a place I thought I would be this far into the relationship”
  • “You are literally the worst human being I have ever met in my life” (maybe not)

Not sure what they say because I can’t afford cable but it is something along those lines.

And now, break up songs…

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Self Evaluation Sunday

Hey friends,

Many moons ago, a good, yet drunk friend of mine introduced me to the term “Self Evaluation Sunday”. Well team, I had one of those this past Sunday. This is a Sunday where you wake up and ask the universe a simple questions: Why am I such a dumb ass?

 Have you ever woken up on Sunday with your face stuck to your pillow from a face gash you know nothing about and a hangover worse than a moose attack? If not, enjoy your perfect life.

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It all started with a clothing sale around high noon on Saturday with a friend. I don’t want to name names so let’s just call said friend, Enabler. Ashley Hesseltine, I mean said friend and I decided to swing by Tin Lizzy’s Cantina for some lunch and a “couple drinks”. You know the rest of the story.

Thirty-five drinks later, an Auburn win and a touch of Avicii EDM music resulted in a damn near concussion and bed time around 9 pm. Sunday was hell. Unlike you, I get hangovers. And my face is not made of steel. Ergo, my head could not have hurt any worse. Now, the question is how  mankind  clone sheep on Mars and play candy crush on mobile phones but not figure out how to make a hangover pill that works? Where are our priorities? My God people, if I knew how to use Twitter I would tweet Johnson & Johnson and get those bastards to figure it out. For now, I will never drink again.

Tom

Date Auction: April 11

Attention Atlantans! ‘Tis hours before the One Love Date Auction at Johnny’s Hideaway. Yes sir, our very own Jennifer Lester has mustered up every hot chick and luscious dude in Atlanta to raise money for her brainchild charity (that will save the world through kids and art), One Love Generation. If you have not been to this date auction, it is a true spectacle to behold. In addition, you can literally buy people. Myself (Tom here) and my pathetic co-hosts Ace Amerson, Joel Darby & Truffle Reeves will be showcasing said folks for your bidding. Some highlights include Jenni Leigh Robinson who Ace is literally in love with and chased for 5 years, John John Delladonna who has a dolphin fetish, Ashley Ver Steeg (NOT FOR SALE) & Sarah Shearer (FOR SALE), Ariff Glick who is way cooler than any of you plus many many more. Now, come party with us for a good cause. We have 25+ folks for me to embarrass – I mean auction off to you. Each person comes with some amazing packages well worth the dough you pay for them and it all goes to help the next generation of artists in Atlanta. And as if you needed yet another reason, DJ MADFLIP will be scaring Johnny’s regulars. Doors at 7, bidding starts at 8pm.  *Wanna bid on someone, but can’t make it out to the auction? Place your pre-bids! Email Lester for more details.

AND NOW, THE LIST OF DATERS UP FOR AUCTION (in alpha order)!

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Mercedes+Jessica

Vday UNfashion Show

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Hello sweet lover! It’s your mistress A Social Mess. Your well endowed, lustful and busty Social Mess. I want you so bad. I need you. Snapchat me you sexy beast. Listen folks, here at A Social Mess we are not very good at love and whatnot but by George we are good at partying. Therefore, we are throwing a sweet little extravaganza on Valentines Day for those who think Valentines day is nonsense. Spray tans and botox, we are taking over Johnny’s Hideaway Thursday night, February 14th for the Social Mess UNfashion show and Lovers Utopia. We are going to highlight awful fashion on hot chicks and fat dudes. We are also going to bring in our DJs, Johnnys DJs and a myraid of Atlanta’s finest folks. This is a FREE party so come play with us. You will laugh, you will cry and you might go home with someone in your grandparents bingo group. Enjoy the sweet, sultry sounds of DJ CANNONBALL and DJ MADFLIP whilst previewing 2013 fashions only approved by A Social Mess and modeled by hot and not Social Mess Models. THURSDAY FEB 14th 8 pm – who cares, JOHNNY’S HIDEAWAY! FREE! Get your free ticket HERE.

21+, Tickets are first come first serve at the door.

Lepre*CON 2013 Shots

Someone, anyone, please tell me how (exactly how) ANYONE who lives in Ireland is still alive. Lepre*CON 2013 beat us like things that really get beat up. ONE HELL OF A PARTY. Best party yet! God Bless you people. We want to thank all of you booze-hounds who showed up in a frenzy Saturday. We can’t wait to do it again. Now, here are the pictures from the greatest St. Pats party of all time (well at least the ones the sober lawyers say we can release). Look for the others on Cinemax.LepreCON 2013