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A Magical Night with Susan Boyle

A Magical Night with Susan Boyle 

By Trey Humphreys

To my recollection, I only saw two music shows this past year. Just two. One was the TomorrowWorld Electronic Music Festival with over 300 DJ’s and a billion dollars in lasers, pyro, glow sticks and speakers. The other was Susan Boyle at the Atlanta Symphony place in Midtown. I swear to God.

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Ol girl played here in Atlanta about a month ago, which happened to land on the exact day I was having a few beers, conveniently. It was a Sunday afternoon and I was winning a pumpkin-carving contest at a local watering hole when it hit me like a ton of woman…..

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I remembered the Susan Boyle concert was that night in Atlanta. How did I know this wonderfall of information? Because of a fantastic phone call with my Aunt Betty whom I had not spoken with in 25 some odd years. The phone call conversation included: 30 dogs, a house fire, Curves, Asperger’s disease and the Susan Boyle Fan Club. However, that is another story for another time.

Fast Forward to the pumpkin contest…

Deep into the carving, I dialed up the only other human being dumb cool enough to go to the concert with me, Melanie. Thankfully, she owns a delightful sequins dress and one of the most fantastic middle-age-woman wigs on earth. A real gem of a hair piece.

With the pumpkin contest under my belt, I headed home to grab my white tuxedo (with tails).   I assumed that is what most folks wear to a Susan Boyle concert. I was wrong.

We got all dolled up and Ubered down the show. We got dropped off at a restaurant called TAP where we ordered two grilled cheese sandwiches and two dirty martinis. Chicken soup for the soul.

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As I was consuming vodka and eating a cheese sandwich, an elderly woman in a fantastic half-sequins sweater asked if I was Lance.   I assumed she was lost and thought I was her grandson. That or she was the oldest prostitute on earth trying to find her date. Things were looking up…

Post awkward conversation with the old woman, we strolled down to the show and entered the lobby area, which was filled with wheelchairs and Medicare. It felt like I was riding a white horse into the bingo section of a yarn convention.   We got some stares.

 

We hit the box office and made our way to the cheap seats, which were somewhere around 1200 feet above the stage with limited oxygen. It was a miracle the elderly could mange their way up that high with out the aid of sherpas or cranes.

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The Curtains unfolded and BOOM! There she was. Except she was a he. And then he sang. LANCE. Whoever that is, sang two songs. He was the opening act and not the 90-year-old prostitute’s date or grandson. Life comes full circle. What?

Side note: Lance, full of spray tan and amazing hair, was the opening act for Susan Boyle. Let that sink in for a moment. That man tours with Susan Boyle.

And then, like a Build-A- Angel from Heaven, she appeared. The crowd exploded. I scanned the audience for heart attacks. She wore a sleeping gown with flowing feathers on the shoulders and a beaming smile. I think. I was pretty drunk and 80,000 feet above the stage.

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With the voice of a Scottish angel and the stage presence of a dead plant, she opened with Somewhere over the Rainbow and then Winner Takes All by ABBA. She moved her right arm up and down which was the extent of her choreography. There was no dancing, or moving for that matter. She stood, sang, sat, sang, repeat. Literally.

The guy in front of me played backgammon on his phone.

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She even sang the Sarah McLaughlin animal cruelty song.   If only the dogs could hear her. Or cats I guess. Cats. What a disaster of an animal. Nevermind.

While half the audience watched her and the other half watched us, we decided to dip out after 10 unbearable songs. I wanted to find her, or get a picture with her, or kiss her on the lips but never got my chance.

Until next time Suzzy, until next time.

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Trey

Lance’s best friend

pilots social mess

The Costume That Almost Sent Me to Prison

by Trey Humphreys

Newsflash: I drank alcohol one time. Pick yourself up off the floor and read on.

I am a man of many costumes. I have spent more money on costumes than college, hair products and therapy combined. Goodbye self-esteem.

I suppose it all began in college where I was the school mascot. Wikipedia ‘Loser’ and there is a good chance you will find a picture of me in a fake tiger costume. I really suppose it is when I met a few other losers that were also mascots like Billy “The Fox” Stephens, Joel “Beep Beep” Darby and Brad “has no nickname that I know of” Post. Talk about a gaggle of lame pasty white guys.

Now, there is one costume that comes to mind when I try and process all the dumb shit I have worn over the past two decades. Let me preface this by saying that the best time to wear a costume is when you should not wear a costume. Obviously.

You see, my equally dumb friend Joel and I had to fly to Denver, CO to participate in our other equally dumb friend Brad’s halftime performance at the local pro football game. As mascots. I mean, really? Mascots? When life gives you lemons, buy a cat.

So we dressed as Pilots. Of course.

#1 - dressed as pilots

Now, let me state that this was pre 9/11 so please don’t call your Congressman and demand the Homeland Security Advisory System be raised to Fuchsia. We have enough problems. Ex Mascots.

We arrived at the airport parking lot and tried to determine what type of airport jail we would spend the next trillion years in for impersonating Pilots. Is dressing in a homemade Pilot costume with a terrible hat and irremovable sunglasses a crime? One call, that’s all. We took a couple of pulls of discount warm tequila and marched into the airport praying the mustache glue held.

#2 in the truck

The next challenge – luggage drop off. We handed our luggage to a bewildered United Airlines check-in clerk and made our way to the security lines. The TSA officials were baffled as to why two Pilots were waiting in the normal security line. The two pilots were baffled as to why the TSA officials were trying to escort us to the secret Pilot security line.

“Where are your credentials?” TSA asked

“Oh” fake Pilots replied

That went well. On to the plane…

#3 on to the plane

Once on the plane and after several pictures with a man claiming to be the real pilot, a flight attendant and other clueless passengers, we settled into our coach seats.

#4 on to coach seats

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After lift off and once at a safe flying altitude, we popped open our thrift store briefcases and pulled out beer and whisky. I assume that is what all Pilots carry in their briefcases.

Please, for a moment, imagine the other passengers watching this unfold. Pure gold.

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One hour and twenty-four minutes into the flight,  the unamused flight attendant cut us off after our demand for  more cocktails. It seems we hit the airplane serving limit. I tried to explain I was the Captain of the flight and we needed more whisky. It didn’t work.

#7 damn airplane roule

We finally arrived in Denver, half cocked and fully invested in a mash of various alcohols. We were able to walk off the plane on our own accord. Professionals.

THE END

No, not the end.

We made our way through the airport until we found, well, a bar. Not any bar but the busiest bar in said airport. Time to order a couple drinks. Just to take the edge off really.

If you are keeping count, we had cocktails before the plane, on the plane and now after the plane. We were  feeling fantastic and pretty damn certain we could actually fly a plane. When is the last time you saw two pilots getting wasted in an airport bar?

Right before we got up to leave, Joel leaned over to a couple of older fellas and asked them where they were flying. They said Chicago.

Then we said, “We are flying that flight. See you on the plane.”

Poor bastards damn near had heart attacks.

In other news, we wore the same outfits to our buddy Trey’s wedding a couple years later. And were late. And walked in the back entrance where the bride was waiting, on us, to walk down the aisle. God bless the look on that woman’s face (as well as the entire wedding party who was already standing at the altar) as we un-quietly made our way to our seats.

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The moral of the story? Can’t remember. -Captain Trey Humphreys

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Girls Diff Tops

The 2014 TomorrowWorld Awards

by Trey Humphreys

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the 2014 TomorrowWorld Awards. These amazing individuals have won new 2014 Buick Enclaves and a one-year membership to Any Lab Test. Congratulations winners!

BEST LOOKING GIRL

Hottest girl goes to this fox that my friend Ace Amerson slept with on Friday night.

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BEST SQUIRREL

Best squirrel goes to this fella with the huge tail.

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BEST GROUP OF GIRLS WITH 5 DIFFERENT BRA’S

Pink tank top needs to go. Mom.

Girls Diff Tops

BEST DJ

This year’s best DJ goes to Bert Weiss who is seen here with his wife Stacey.

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BEST DANCER

By combining the River Dance and the Twerk, this gal who could only be named Barbara wins best dancer 2014.

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BEST PERSON

The one person that is cooler than any of the rest of us this year was this amazing gal who rocked the front row at the main stage.

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TOMORROWORLD 2014 WINNER

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Congratulations 2014 winners. Please head to your closest Service Merchandise to claim your prizes.

 

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Halloween Party #5 Trio

Halloween Party #5 Hosts

Click HERE for tickets.

Halloween Party #5 Hosts: Alex Branch, Ashley Hesseltine, Brian Sernulka, Brianna Dane, Ceci Mattei, Dice K, Jake “Snake” Schumacher, Jay Mayor Winter, Jennifer Lester Lingvall, Joe Rountree, John John “Free Hugs” “Rampage” “Double John” “Skunk Ape” “Dolphin Loving” Delladonna, Jordan Dillard, Kelly Chase, Kelly O’Brien, Keri Kilgore, Laura Diem, Lauren Blackstock, Lauren Ruel, Logan Daniels (Reubens Bell), Macy Omer, Matt Stephen, Meagan Cavanaugh, Mercedes Montalvo, Michael Cash, Mick McDonald, Nathan Rigsby, Nick Via, Rae Riccio, Sara Davis, Thais Rodriguez, Thomas Rittle (likes to get physical), Trey Humphreys

 

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The Oldest Guy at TomorrowWorld

by Trey Humphreys

Let me just state the facts. First, I will be the oldest dude at TomorrowWorld this year, as usual. Guess what? Don’t care. Second, I don’t own an iPhone 6.

Now, if you are not familiar with TomorrowWorld, then pull up a chair ol’ sport. It is a massive Electronic Dance Music festival held on some fella’s gigantic farm 20 minutes past the airport in Fairburn, GA, wherever that is. More specifically, it is 4 days consisting of 70 million DJs all playing the same song. A couple dudes from Belgium stared this neon circus and claim to attract around 60k people a day. I assume there are around 250 tons of glow sticks and a billion lasers that reach other galaxies. God bless I love this party.

Why, you ask, would a man of my age and wherewithal attend such a spectacle? Short answer, I’m a loser. Long answer, I like to dance and use vodka. Ask Jeeves.

Also, Atlanta has a unique dichotomy going on this weekend. I literally have no idea what dichotomy means but I do know this – we have three of the greatest artists of all time, all in Atlanta, all on the same weekend.

First, the greatest country artist of all time, Garth Brooks.

Second, the greatest rap group of all time, Outkast.

Third, the greatest DJs of all time including Tiësto and Bert Weiss.

Now before you get all pissy and claim Kellie Pickler is the greatest country artist of all time, The Fat Boys are the greatest rap group of all time and DJ Jazzy Jeff and Melissa Carter are the greatest DJs of all time, please bear with me. Bere? Beer? Bare? Damn it.

I pinned the Mayor of Atlanta on his Pinterest to see if there is anyway we can bus all the Garth Brooks fans to TomorowWorld and all the OutKast fans to Garth Brooks by accident. Stay tuned.

Furthermore, if you want to attend TomorowWorld and are allowed to leave assisted living this weekend, take heed to these very important tips below.

My top 10 tips for old people that want to go to TomorrowWorld (like me):

pink guy10. Stick to the back of the crowd. Never, ever, get in the middle or God forbid in the front or you will be licking sweat off a 21-year-old dudes back while he holds his brainless girlfriend on his shoulders. For 4 hours.

9. When they drop the bass, don’t look for it on the ground.

8. Leave your shirt on you fat ass, you are not 24 anymore. Or 34.

 7. The random pills on the ground are not Bayer Aspirin. Try them anyway.

 6. Hide from your daughter’s friends that are wearing string panties, face masks and glow braces.

5. Never, for the love of God, ever admit your real age.

4. Smoke as much weed as your body can handle to avoid seizures due to 4 million lasers and 21-year-old girls in string bikinis.

3. No, you have not seen Molly.

2. You already look like a Narc so don’t dress like one. And don’t take your German Shepherd.

1. Dance like you just don’t give a shit.

All right folks! I will see you on the farm.

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OutKast_Feature

Top 10 Things You Need to Know About OutKast

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Light up a Virginia Slim and break out your Boones Farm (Strawberry Hill, y’all), then continyuh…

  1. Per Peaches (0:38), OutKast is “fat like hambone” and “tight like gnat booty”. Urban dictionary tells us a Hambone is a term used to describe a fat jelly-a$$ who lives off welfare, is overweight and contributes nothing to society. And Tight Like Gnat Booty is a reference to the perception or idea of how tight a gnats ass would be if someone would be able to insert a large object in it.
  2. Erykah Badu is Andre’s (3:52) baby mama. Their kid is named Seven. He is seventeen.
  3. Big Boi’s little brother used to bartend at The Pool Hall.
  4. Best song to listen to on hallucinogenics is SpottieOttieDopaliscious. Best song to listen to while on the pot is Hootie Hoo.
  5. According to Elevators (3:18), OutKast has “come a long way like them slim ass cigarettes … from Virginia”.
  6. Andre Benjamin and Trey Humphreys were in the same class at Sarah Smith Elementary in Buckhead. Not even kidding.
  7. If you think it’s all about pimpin hoes and slammin Cadillac doors, you probably a cracker. Or a ni**a that think he a cracker. True Dat (0:23).
  8. This video.
  9. Cee Lo Green was allegedly supposed to be a part of OutKast. He’s featured in their debut album, Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, on Git Up, Git Out.
  10. Andre’s lyric “so go get yo f%@*ing shine box” in ATLiens (0:50) is a reference to the Goodfellas scene where Billy breaks Tommy’s balls. Little bit of a temper, that Tommy. Also, “cooler than a polar bear’s toe nails” is 8 degrees Fahrenheit. (0:31)
  11. My girl, B.S. (an executive at a fancy financial service corp), can rap every lyric to the entire Aquemini album.

Get down with OutKast this weekend in ATL (“home of the pimps and the money makers”) at Centennial Olympic Park. Click HERE to listen to my OutKast playlist on Spotify (in order of release date). Hootie Hoo y’all.

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Buckhead Atlanta

The New Buckhead

Buckhead Atlantaby Trey Humphreys

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers,

Finally, The Streets of Buckhead, sorry, Buckhead Atlanta is opening this week. What is Buckhead Atlanta? It is the terrible name that your boy Oliver McMillen decided to call the new shopping / retail / office district they are building in, well, Buckhead, Atlanta. It was called The Streets of Buckhead when your other boy Ben Carter originally spent a trillion dollars buying up all of the old entertainment district properties that Ray Lewis made his murder grounds. Then sold it on Craigslist for $1000.

Since they have announced that some of the first shops will be opening this week, I decided to fill you in on all the hoopla.

First, if you live in the state of Georgia, you will not have enough money to shop there. However, you will be allowed to walk around and look at things. The developers are comparing this development to Rodeo Drive in L.A. Well guess what fancy builder folks? Rodeo Drive sits next to Beverly Hills. Buckhead Atlanta sits next to Brookhaven. I assume both neighborhoods have the same per capita income. They must.

Here are the new stores coming in that no male and very few females in the majority of the southern states can pronounce. I also took a stab at what I think they might sell:

  • Akris – Xbox games and Game of Thrones DVD store?
  • Brunello Cucinelli – $4000 sweaters and $1200 bowties?
  • Canali – Wholesale canoes?
  • Christian Louboutin – Religious bookstore and coffee shop? Knock off Fubu?
  • Diptyque – Dance club? BBQ on a stick?
  • Etro – Hospital? Public Transportation?
  • Helmut Lang – haircuts? Motorcycle shop?
  • Hermès – Hermit crabs? Pajamas? Cologne?
  • Jimmy Choo – Sushi? Toy train hobby shop? Sandwiches in a hurry?
  • L’Occitane – Literally no idea.
  • Moncler – Acne face cream?
  • Scoop NYC – Ice cream from New York?
  • Spanx – Sex museum? Child Day Care Center?
  • Theory – Educational tutoring school?
  • Tod’s – Pet shop specializing in European frogs and amphibians? Those dumb shoes with the toes? Self-Storage?

If you are like me and have no f*cking idea what those places are and can’t afford a $32,000 over-the-shoulder handbag, then you will appreciate the plans I have created outlining what I think should go in the new project.

BUCKHEAD ATLANTA TREY BLUEPRINT

The development will be anchored by a Golden Corral and Gayfers. My plans include several retail and restaurant options you will enjoy. There will be economical yet trendy clothing found at Uptons, Gadzooks, Structure & Bass Pro Shop. For those with a little more money to spend, there will be a Burlington Coat Factory, Wet Seal and Kohl’s. There will also be an underground Subaru dealership.

Included in my plans is the first Cheesecake Factory Outlet as well as a revolving Chick-fil-a Dwarf House on the top level. For local groceries there will be a Piggly Wiggly and an Alvin’s Island for Atlanta souvenirs.

Kiosks will line the streets and include Crocs, eyebrow braiding, Aunt Annie’s Pretzels and Uncle Bens Rice. We are building in a 24 hour Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit ATM machine as well.

A few other retailers include: Any Lab Test, Perfumania, Fashion Bug, Petland, Dippin’ Dots, World of Mattresses and Leslie’s Pool Supplies.

Entertainment options will include Laserless Tag, Wild Bills II, Jengaland and a 35,000 sq. ft. Hibachi buffet dance club. You will also find a full bar at Top Miniature Golf. There will not be 3-D IMAX because that shit gives me seizures.

Hope to see everyone at the new BUCKHEAD ATLANTA soon! Take out a mortgage and let’s shop.

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WinterGirlfriend

Dear Dudes, It is Girlfriend Season

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by Laura Diem

People of the Internet. Remember the last 3 months when we were all raging alcoholics? Happy and tan and hungover as balls? Well sorry to ruin your life, but summer is coming to an end.

This only means that fall is on the horizon, and its time to stop f*cking around. There is nothing more depressing than being trapped inside ALONE all winter – wearing suspiciously stained pajama pants and #tbt’ing every moment you didn’t look like you had a severe case of vitamin D deficiency and/or permanent ginger skin. Hey Ed Sheeran.

So here’s a short list of garbage I threw together for all the single men out there who need to get the ball rolling on finding a girlfriend this fall.

  1. The girl needs to be able to cook. Something. 

If she claims she cannot cook, this means she cannot read…or count. At this point it would be wise to check her I.D. If we are talking basic survival skills here, let’s bang out some Hamburger Helper, send a terrifying pic to @cookingforbae and move on.

  1. She needs to have a brain and use it. Most of the time.

This is CRUCIAL, and it becomes even more apparent when you are confined in small spaces for extended periods (Snowpocalypse ’14 Never Forget). If 80% of your conversations are about her gel nails or RHOA, run.

  1. A healthy sex drive.

Wait. This actually goes for all seasons. If she isn’t into it on a regular basis, she’s probably using you as a Winter FRIEND that happens to be a guy who she likes to bang after 300 vodka sodas. Let’s not make things more complicated, ok?

  1. A sense of humor. All the time. 

Dear god. Find a funny(ish) girl, or at the very least one that gets your jokes and can laugh at them. No sense in feeling awkward and stupid for 4 months. You can do that alone, like Trey Humphreys does 365 days a year.

  1. Maybe a dog or two, but avoid collectors of cats, guinea pigs or ferrets.

As a person who has (well, used to have/kind of still has/this is awkward) temp custody over a dog, let me just tell you this. Animals will get in the way of shacking up and the smaller the pet, the more likely it will stay in bed with you guys. That means one thing and one thing only, that ferret is going to lick your…WELCOME TO THERAPY.

That’s it, y’all. The basics. In conclusion, please note: Be wary of long-term girlfriending during this seasonal transition. Come next summer you’ll thank me when your girl (as well as myself) may or may not have transformed into an angry, pale, Pinterest-addicted Internet troll. Because that’s my plan. Get your own plan.

Tix

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Happy Birthday, Trey!

Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$: This is a letter to ASM’s (not to mention Fur Bus and Pool Hall‘s), very own electrifying flamboyant kid who turns 22 every year at this time: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will always be your best buddy and be there for you for whatever you need. If you need a friend, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$.

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If you need cheering up because you fee like an alcoholic, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to be there to show you that you’re not so bad.

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If you love and are addicted to fat a$$ milkshakes and can’t help being a fat a$$, you can always count on Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ to show you that you’re not alone in that battle.

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If you want to shake your drunk fat a$$ and need some tunes (especially for your birthday party), Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ can help you.

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If you’re a stranger and need a ride, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will pick you up in one of his buses and take you anywhere for free.

If you need a hug because you’re drunk, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will be there!

If someone is drunk and wants to whip your a$$, Trey, A.K.A. Tom, A.K.A. DJ Cannonball, A.K.A. Black Out, A.K.A. Fat a$$ will stand in front of that punch with his nose.

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After all is said and done, to the most genuinely fun greatest human being friend in the world to be around and guy who will do anything for you. Happy birthday, Trey. <3 you, mean it.

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PS – Congrats on your latest engagement!

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PSS – Reflecting back on your past marriages!

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Breakup_Header

The Secret Tip on How to Break Up with Someone

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by Trey Humphreys

Breaking up sucks. I know 87% of you are in a useless relationship right now and are too scared to get out because A) you think you will NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE or b) he will change. Listen dear, life is too short to watch your pasty boyfriend play Sega Genesis all day. Break up, try vodka and swipe yes to everyone on Tinder or hack into Farmersonly.com and bed a homegrown.

Four and three quarters years ago I was in a committed relationship with a female human being. My daddy issues surfaced so I needed to break up (see also: fear of commitment, awful communicator, inability to “share feelings”, disdain of french kissing after 11 months, can’t speak love languages, general idiot).

Like most, I had no idea how to break up and was scared senseless. I thought about faking my death, moving to Covington or getting plastic surgery on my legs. Pathetically, I actually googled “how to break up with someone.” Swear to God. That failed but I did come up with the GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF ENDING RELATIONSHIPS.

Now, before I teach you how to break up, note how NOT to break up:

  • during foreplay
  • in the parking lot of an athletic apparel store
  • via billboard
  • over fondue
  • in the trunk of a Buick
  • on a group text
  • 3 minutes after a pregnancy test
  • while riding the Monster Plantation at Six Flags

WHAT TO DO

Here is the secret: WATCH THE BACHELOR OR BACHELORETTE TV SHOW. Sure, it is a complete train wreck and the worst 2 hours of your life, but there is some little golden nuggets lingering between the awkward pool parties and dumb sporting competitions. Tape the damn show on your VCR and study how they break up. Write down exactly what they say and memorize it. Then go see your lover and repeat those words AND YOU ARE FREE. For example:

  • “I don’t feel the emotional connection I think we need”
  • “I don’t know why but I just don’t feel the spark I need to make this work”
  • “You are too fat” (sorry, made that one up)
  • “I don’t feel like we are connecting on a deeper emotional level”
  • “I am in love with your mom” (sorry again)
  • “I am not at a place I thought I would be this far into the relationship”
  • “You are literally the worst human being I have ever met in my life” (maybe not)

Not sure what they say because I can’t afford cable but it is something along those lines.

And now, break up songs…