by Trey Humphreys
Hey fellas, it’s Trey. Breaking news… It’s fall, which means it’s time to girlfriend up. Yep, time to lock and load. You will need a
life partner, soul mate, slam piece, girlfriend to carry you through the winter and into spring. Nothing sucks more than a winter alone. I know. 10 straight.
With fall upon us, I decided to do some groundbreaking research on the subject of landing a girlfriend. Sure, there have been a trillion books written by wiser dudes than me but I hit the streets and asked the hard questions. I actually didn’t hit the streets and my questions weren’t that hard.
I called upon five hot single chicks I know in Atlanta and asked a few questions that might shed some light on what guys should do to land girls. These girls are all young, hot and would never date me. Except one who did by accident. Another story for anther time.
I asked each gal the same ten questions and have listed their answers below. Take heed fellas, and score a new Sunday night couch mate for the fall.
Let me first introduce the five ladies that I am in love with:
Alexi – One of the hottest chicks in Atlanta and proud recipient of my annoying advances for the past 3 years. She also has a real nice fanny and legs I would eat soup off of.
Bianca – I have no idea who she is but do know she is a local bartender, hot as balls and will be hit on by me in the near future. Poor girl. Tweet me.
Kelly – Probably the nicest person you will ever meet in your life, amazing smile and has a killer body. She is a fitness and nutrition expert and I eat Gluten by the truck load. Guess we are soul mates.
Michelle – A smart lawyer type broad and super sexy. Smart enough to turn me down and hot enough to piss me off for turning me down. Owns a horse, I think, per stalking her Facebook. Lucky horse.
Nikky – hot, cool and accidentally fell in love with me in Japan many moons ago. Well, maybe not love but we did French kiss. Let’s keep that between us though.
Enough about the talent, let get to the juice. Here are the questions and their answers:
1) What do you think the one thing single dudes in Atlanta are doing wrong the most?
Nikky – Tinder and plowing through groups of the same girlfriends, burning their chances of anything for real with any of them. Some hoes are loyal to their friends. Ouch….
Alexi – Being flaky. “Oh yeah girl, lemme take you to dinner.” Seriously 8 out of 10 guys don’t follow through which, for me, kills their chances. There’s really no recovering from that. Did I mention her ass? Amazing.
Bianca – Not branching out of their comfort zone. You have to introduce yourself to new people at some point. Don’t be creepy, but be nice and start a real conversation. I love Pintrest, do you love Pintrest?
Michelle – The statement “I’m not looking for a relationship right now”… Cool. Have fun jacking yourself off. Noted, and will.
Kelly – Single guys have Peter Pan Syndrome. They never want to grow up, which reflects on their dating life. All they want to do is play, which means a lack of effort; resulting in the girls giving up and moving on to the next. Did peter pan wear tights? I’m out.
2) If you could give one piece of advice for single dudes what would it be?
Nikky – Say it. Even if it’s not the coolest thing to say, if you’re feeling it, do it, if you’re not feeling it , do that. I love you and want to make out with you
Alexi – Just be genuine. It’s always so hard these days to tell if someone’s playing a game or not and a good girl could walk away if she’s not sure of your intentions. I love you and want to make out with you
Bianca – Not every girl is trying to date you and become attached. But they’re not all trying to just have a random hookup either. There really is a middle ground. FRIENDZONE….terrible.
Michelle – Please see above. Don’t do that. What? Horses.
Kelly – If you’re interested in a girl, reach out to her via a phone call to ask her on a date. Do not suggest that you meet up at a bar at midnight via text. Ask her on a date at least 2 days in advance. It’s respectful and polite. Meet me at the bar at 11 pm. In 2 days.
3) How do single dudes mess up when they approach you for the first time?
Nikky – They aren’t approaching anyone for the first time bc most ppl meet online or on tinder. That sucks. The first approach in person is the good stuff.Girls are lined- out on internet intros . We’ve heard it. Are you up?
Alexi – Monopolize my time the first time they meet me. If you approach me when I’m out with my friends, let’s talk for a minute but then wrap it up nicely because I really came there to hang out with my awesome friends. Don’t keep appearing. That’s weird. Weird is my middle name. Well, not legally.
Bianca – They immediately ask for my name and number before we even have the slightest bit of real conversation. Girls don’t want to be a bitch and say no to giving you their number, but it’s kind of awkward and creepy if you ask for it before they can even tell if they’re the least bit interested. Pretty much what I did to get her to do this interview three days ago.
Michelle – Making it completely obvious that they are coming across the bar just to talk to me after they have been a creep for the past hour staring at me. At least pretend you’re coming over to do something else first. And don’t be so aggressive with asking for my number. I am more intrigued by a guy that doesn’t ask for my number and plays it cool. The next time I see him out, I will likely seek his attention. You have to let a girl come to you—a girl will let you know when they want your attention. I have seen her out over a dozen times so far and she has not seeked my attention once. Still waiting.
Kelly – a) If a girl uses the excuse she “has a boyfriend” to steer you away from continuing small talk; do not reply, “well that doesn’t matter.”Really? Yea you just won me over. Eye roll. Is Eye roll sushi?
b) If you approach a girl for the first time and you’re completely hammered, you should probably send yourself home. You most likely sound comparable to a babbling baby and are super sloppy. Complete turn off. Have you ever heard the internal voice of a hammered dude? I promise it is not saying “time to go home”. It is saying, “ I’m the kind of the f*cking world and chicks f*cking love me”.
4) Call or text?
Nikky – TEXT lol. Hehe. Tmi. ttyl.
Alexi – Call. Hands down. Hardly anyone knows how to use the phone anymore. It distinguishes yourself, though texts are fine for quick confirmations of plans and general communication through the work day. So basically Text, right?
Bianca – Text oh, I will.
Michelle – Call me the first time. You can find out if I’m a “caller” or a “texter” by my response to you. Then, follow suit. We will either be in a normal human relationship where people speak with each other or we will be in a text message relationship—whatever the girl wants! Not once in the history of first calls has a girl ever answered the phone. Voicemail hell.
Kelly – Call, they need to call. It shows confidence and courage for a guy to call a girl to initiate the conversation. Damn you
5) One thing single dudes should never wear? One thing single dudes should wear?
Nikky – Pants with pleats in the front or bowl cuts. A damn good haircut and a v neck t-shirt. Applebee’s staff is out, Justin Bieber is in.
Alexi – Even if they’re PFGs or whatever fratty boys wear but cargo shorts are never okay. Single guys, or any guys really, should wear nice fitting clothes. Find a tailor or something. It just looks so much more put together than a bag sized shirt that looks like it can smuggle candy into the theaters (though that’s useful…) Didn’t you date Ace Amerson who has never seen a button up shirt owns 3 pairs of clothing, two of which are cargo shorts? Do they sell PFG’s at Ross?
Bianca – Should: button downs. Should not: jewelry (except a watch. And a ring if applicable). Apparently ol girl has never seen a true shell necklace accenting a nice YOLO tank top and Bud Light bathing suit.
Michelle – Please NEVER wear pants so tight that I can see the outline of your penis. It’s distracting. And potentially embarrassing if you are not well endowed. Because I’m judging you. Always. Judging. You. Please DO wear sweaters. There’s nothing hotter than a guy in a collared shirt with a sweater over it. I’m getting hot just typing this… Headed straight to Burlington Coat Factory to put a case of sweaters on layaway and stuffing with socks.
Kelly – Should never wear: Ed hardy bedazzled schmediums. Yes, there are still guys who wear those. Dudes should wear: funny t-shirts (example, a shirt with cats on it) It will cause attention, and usually strikes up a conversation. WTF is a schmedium and where do I buy one?
6) If you were a single dude, what would you do to meet girls?
Nikky – she said go to home depot so clearly read the question wrong. She is a good kisser though. Keep that between us.
Alexi – Volunteer at a local organization. Chances are you’ll find a girl that has more going for her than just a number of Instagram followers. If you fail, at least you’re still doing something worthwhile with your time. Is vodka an organization?
Bianca – Meet people through mutual friends and go to happy hours, Braves game and other events in Atlanta. I feel like it would be easier to meet people at times other than a jam-packed bar on a Friday night. I wouldn’t wait around for just any hot girl to walk in and try and approach her. Girls catch on to guys like that! Want to meet me at a Braves game with our mutual friend Kramer?
Michelle – Well, good ol’ TINDER works pretty well for some single(and married) dudes. But if I were a single dude, I would probably try to meet girls by going on Groupon and trying some of those super cool “things to do” activities. Bottom line, you aren’t going to meet girls by sitting in your house playing video games. I play Tinder sitting in my house. And lose.
Kelly – If I were a guy, I would take yoga classes; not only are you working on yourself, but ladies love a limber man. Nothing more creepy than a dude in a yoga class. Until he wears male yoga clothing in a yoga class.
7) Most say the number one thing a dude needs to hit on chicks in confidence. Most dudes don’t have a ton of confidence when it comes to girls. What advice would you say to guys that don’t have a ton of confidence (don’t say get confidence).
Nikky – Just listen. We need your advice. Have some fun plans or grand ideas, even if they never come to it’s fruition you’ll at least have something interesting to talk about so you’re not nervous. Want to come up for some fresh wine?
Alexi – Embrace the awkward by announcing it in a funny way. Like “Well, now that I’ve created this awkward silence…(insert follow up line)” I laughed the first time someone was able to point it out. It makes it less painful of a situation and makes girls be less closed off. Well, now that I asked you to take part in this awkward questionnaire ….
Bianca – Sometimes that’s a good thing. Too much confidence can be obnoxious and come off as cocky. Just be nice, smile and start a casual conversation before jumping into anything. I know I don’t like when a guy walks up acting as if he owns the place. I own The Pool Hall and The Fur Bus.
Michelle – Find out if she has pets. Girls LOVE to talk about their pets. And if you have a pet, you probably like to talk about yours too. And then suggest meeting up at the dog park. Want to bring your horse to the dog park?
Kelly – I suggest that the guy acts as if he doesn’t necessarily have interest in the girl, but strikes up conversation in a “friend-ly” way. Perhaps comment on something the girl is doing, speaking about; even casually just ask questions in a non-creepy way. If the guy approaches the girl and immediately starts aggressively hitting on her because he’s nervous and doesn’t know what to do or say; the lines are likely to reflect this and the girl will turn him down. Keep your cool. Hey Kelly, not really interested in you but are you still doing exercise and things?
8) Would you rather go on a date or hang out in a group for the first time?
That was a stupid question and they all said date……
9) Do you ever hit on guys and if so, what one of moves?
Nikky – No
Alexi – Of course. I’m pretty sure I have initiated conversation with any guy I’ve been interested in in the past. Not really any “moves” though. Maybe like a touch on the arm and a funny comment or a remark about some common interest.
Bianca – I’ve never hit on a guy. Maybe that’s why I’m single?
Michelle – I’m a butt grabber.
Kelly – Hm… I won’t give away that secret.
Once again, another stupid question. Sorry guys.
10) Is there smooth way to hit on girls via facebook, twitter or IG? If so, how?
Nikky – No. It’s all been done. Unless you’re as creative as my ex, leave this method alone. Which ex? WHICH EX?
Alexi – I’ll tell you, the worst thing is to open IG and see 15 notifications from the same person. Sure, you got my attention, but you also got blocked because that’s creepy…. Random Facebook messages saying “Hey, you’re pretty” is equally strange. But if you have met me before and make me laugh with your intro line, you will probably get a response. With one guy, we ended up going back and forth so much, I conceded and gave my number and we went out soon after. That one guy was not me. Of course. Sadly.
Bianca – Spitting game through social media is usually just creepy. If someone discovers a way that isn’t, I guess let me know. I’ll private message you.
Michelle – Dangerous territory. It can be done. But it’s not something I would do if I were a dude. Abort mission. What if you weren’t a dude?
Kelly – One smooth way to at least gain attention and usually a response on facebook is by messaging the girl a question in relation to their profession or an event you know they’re involved with. Other than that, “ur hot”, will simply be ignored. Check your inbox….
There you go gents. Take it or leave it. Stalk them or don’t stalk them. It is up to you. I hope you land a girlfriend this fall and if not call me, we can go to the movies. If you land one of the girls above, I will fight you. And lose.
If you think this was horrible, want to date one of these girls or have better advice, tweet me…Pretty sure the comas in that sentence were incorrect.
Trey (Twitter: treyhumphreys)