By Trey Humphreys
Let’s focus for a minute. If there is one thing I hate in this glorious world of ours, it’s a handicap inducing hangover. If you don’t drink or can drink in moderation like a real show off, then stop reading this and focus on your ROTH IRA. For the rest of you that like to party, keep reading….
I asked jeeves how to cure a hangover and found a smattering of terrible blogs with advice like “don’t drink ” and “drink a glass of water after every drink”. You bet. Let me whip up a spreadsheet to carry along for the evening and track the drink to water ratio while I crush a full liter of Fireball and 30 gallons of Bud Light, bottle. Folks, I have drank Applebee’s out of white zin 4 times in my life. LITERALLY.
After the internet failed me (just like Tinder) I decided to do some real R&D. I asked my drunk friends what they do to cure a hangover. They sent me some horrible jokes and some interesting answers oddly enough….
10. Danny Maldonado (DJ Danny M) – Danny is a DJ and therefore is up in the club 14 nights a week. If you don’t know, EVERYONE wants to do shots with the DJ. EVERYONE is french for every annoying 23-year-old girl in the club who, god willing, must get into the DJ booth, request the worst song on the radio and spill her drink on anything electronic. Anyway, here is his go-to hangover cure:
“Morning shag then Mexican pozole (green or red) then back to sleep. Next, ask what happened the night before and perform apology text messages. Cry alone until alcohol leaves system via tear ducts and finish with Mexican for dinner”
I have no idea what Pozole is but assume it’s similar to Peyote and motor oil. Also, can you substitute masturbation for shagging? Asking for a friend.
9. Ashley Hesseltine – Pro blogger, pro girlfriend (not mine you creeps) and pro vodka hoarder. When I asked for her hangover remedy she sent me her blog, of course. After reading that book I condensed it down to this:
“Drink 16 ounces of water with lemon, cup of coffee with coconut oil to kick start the system or force bowel movement, eat a banana, get in the ocean (or cool/cold water)”
Side Note: She once took me to New York City for a Vodka event where we made Cinnabon flavored whipped Vodka and orange Juice. Arguably the worst liquid I have ever consumed in all my 27 years on this earth.
For further details on her cure, read the full blog here: The 6-Step Program for Curing a Hangover
8. Tasha Mize – Bartender at 5 Paces Inn for the past 300 years. True redneck from the hills of Tennessee where moonshine goes down like moonshine. Her cure:
“BC Powder and Lemon Lime Gatorade or two jager bombs”.
Finally, a real answer of value sans jager bombs which taste like syrup and burnt cat hair.
7. Beau Rasnik – Another long term bartender from the flanks of Tin Lizzy’s and Kramer’s. This nerd is a runner and says the following:
“Take 2 electrolyte pills before bed”
Apparently you can buy said pills at a “running store”. Who TF goes to a “running store”. Dweebs. And runners I guess.
6. Isaac Stout – Tequila.
The Real World is a place where people “stop being polite, and start getting real”. Loser.
4. Derik Purdy – Derik owns 5 bars in Alabama (INNISFREE) and some claim he made the Florabama Mullet Toss the party it is today. I have never met a human being that can party as hard and as long as this fella. Here is his go-to:
“The ocean, an adderall, steam room and pedialitye”
That sh*t actually sounds like it would work. It also sounds like the diet of an 8 year old kid at beach camp.
3. Dr. Bill Stephens – Bill is a son of New Orleans, completely nuts and somehow a real Doctor in Miami. He also got completely naked at the Lady Gaga concert at the Fox Theatre. He has two methods:
1) “Before leaving bar, ask for 1/2 cup of pickle juice. Drink the pickle juice with a shot of your choice. Drink a gatorade on way home”
2) “If you have a physician friend, get a banana bag which is an IV that includes: 1 liter normal saline/30 mg iv Toradol/4 mg Zofran/1000 mcg IV b12”
Is Lady Gaga still alive?
2. Jacob Blazer – Jake plays in a band (Jacob and the Good People) and is sponsored by Jagermeister and liver failure. Forced to play and booze in all the haunts across the East Coast every week, he swears by the following:
“Goody’s powder pack, deuce deuce of beer and a pickle in a bag”
Apparently you can get “A Pickle in a Bag” at the shittiest gas stations across the Southeast. Add boiled peanuts from the can and clove cigarettes and I’m in.
1. Jamie Shirah – Jamie owns The Ivy and also the greatest company ever invented in the history of mankind and womankind, Vida-flo: The Hydration Station. This is a place you can go to get a IV bag of goodies for around $40-$50 bucks instead of buying shitty health insurance in order to fake alcohol poisoning at Grady Hospital. The number 1 hangover cure sold up in that joint is:
“The Blue Lagoon – $49.99 – Fluids, Vitamin C, B12, B-complex, Toradol (headache), Zofran (nausea) and oxygen”
You could win an iron man after that bag of fun. Plus you get to relax in a recliner the whole time while reevaluating your entire life. I’ll take 6 bags and a self help audio tape.
There you go wastoids. And yes I skipped over #5. If you have a better method, let me know Trey@asocialmess.com or @asocialmess on Instagram. I don’t do Snapchat because I am fairly stupid.