Feature copy

This is Braves County!

Header_772x400

By Mayor of Ponce

It’s Opening Day, and I’m not OTP nor ITP- I’m burning rubber ON the perimeter, up 285, aka The Pascual Perez Memorial Highway. Since the good guys are opening up on the road in Milwaukee, I scoot past I-20 like it’s the cole slaw on a three meat plate at Sonny’s. I gotta get to where it’s safe and clean. The home to apple pie, Chevrolet,.. and BASEBALL. You know where I’m talking about- Thomas Willis Cobb County, son!

It’s noon fifty Central time, and we got a first pitch in a few minutes. No problem, 285 is pretty much a super highway from the Jetsons and rarely is there traffic. Except if there’s a funeral or something and everyone in the south pulls over because we’re very respectful and understanding people down here. I’m just a couple exits from the cradle of civilization, The Cobb PKWY…

SON OF A B-WORD! Some idiot must’ve died. Tail lights. I wanna tomahawk chop whatever jerk has a funeral on… Nope. Sorry. It’s just normal 1 pm Monday traffic on the Pascual Perez.  I apologize.

No worries, there’s an internal sensor in my body that knows the closest ‘Bee’s at all times. I blow through a few red lights in the CID, 2-wheel a corner, and boom… there it is… Home. Frantic and busting with excitement, I’m just gonna be able to make first pitch of the 2014 Braves season… THIS IS OUR YEAR… THIS IS BRAVES COUNTY… swing open the doors about to see my dawg Julio burn a fast ball over the black paint on the plate… AND THE FUCKING CUBS-PIRATE GAME IS ON.

image-2

No matter, this is Braves County.  There’s about 12 tv’s in here, so surely one will have the good guys bustin’ up on those dirty, no-good Brewers. Nope. Womens NIT and FOX News. I down a 22 Brewtus (didn’t want to be rude) as I form my letter in my head to the Applebee’s upper brass; and I’m gone like a Saturday night rail of Peruvian marching powder in front of Dan Uggla at Peachtree Tavern.

I’ve got to find some real American cuisine, none of anything off the ‘Bee’s 14 page menu of sissy boy high filutin salads and apps. I need some salt of the earth type folks. Where would a real champion go? Someone who could sit in a tree all day in camo with a high powered rifle and wait for a big ass buck to slowly graze by and kill it with his own hands that were holding a high powered rifle with supersonic scope…

“Hi! Welcome to HOOTERS!”

Home, gentlemen. I pony right up to the bar and I swear to Kenny Chesney, they were all over me! So many babes coming over, genuinely excited about me being there at 2:30 on a Monday afternoon. I felt like Larry Wayne Jones Jr himself.

image-1

Just as that baller ass song from my senior year comes on Hooters Radio, “Hey now, you’re an All-Star..”, A damn sorry ol’ Brewer ropes a double into the left field corner to take the lead, 2-0 Bad Guys. But that’s all right, I got Budweiser Light, Taylor, and Lisa soothing my pain. “How have you been, baby? You working hard?”, as she gazes into my baby blues. I’m being serious, this chick is into me.

Just then, sensing the competition for my boss player affection, ol’ Lisa touches my knee, “Are you tired, you look stressed, honey”. Well shit, Earth to Lisa, the Cobb County Clobbers are down 2 runs to some ‘tard team in lard country. But she doesn’t know, she’s just concerned over her new #1 guy. And I’m not gonna lie, it felt good. She’s got me feeling like I’m munching a cheeseburger with cheese in Margaritaville. And I like mine with lettuce and two cute tomatoes fighting for my love. And boner.

A couple more Diet Budweisers and I realize I’m in fact not in Margaritaville- these mugs are apparently 24 ounces and I’m actually just drunk at a Hooters Cumberland Mall location. Time to make my move on one of these sirens and seal the deal. I’m Chipper Jones, we’re at Shea Stadium, and these lil’ shorties are hanging curves…

SON OF A MOTHER F WORD. Turns out… These chicks HAVE BOYFRIENDS. Could’ve been more useful before I left a 78% tip and bought $286 in Cumberland Hooters merch. What the fuck am I gonna do with 6 car tags and 5 oversized B.U.M. sweat shirts.

And out the door away from these gold diggers disguised in hoochie pants and what do I spy? Just over the yonder glistening in the afternoon sun. Home.

“Hi! Welcome to Tilted Kilt!”

It’s an authentic Irish Public House with pale young ladies in traditional school girl outfits. It’s culture, and Cobb is damn swimming in it. Most eateries on Cobb P-K-Y used to be a former Bennigan’s, Pizza Hut, Tire Depot, or future Tire Depot. But not The Tilt, this place is pure class. I’m not sure, but I think it was flown in piece by piece from the homeland. At least that’s what I’m telling everyone who sits beside me.

image-6

I’m feeling good, got a couple Kickin’ Chickens (Wild Turkey and Coke) in my belly, got my team on tube with the sound up, talkin Old Navy chinos and cargos with my new boys around me… and one of the Bravos grounds into an out. That’s ok, plenty of ballgame left. The idiot Brewers seem pretty excited about a routine grounder…

JESUS H. WAR ON CHRISTMAS… That was the last out of the game. Braves lost.

Fuck Tilted Muffin Tops- I’m outta here. I need to unwind. Need to relax. Need to go see my girls Lisa and.. nope. Bad idea. I kinda burnt that bridge after the bartender wouldn’t hand them the phone when I called up there to give them a second chance. I need a vacation from this ball season. Whats that glowing in the distance? How about a quick trip to say… Italy. Or as I call it, My vacation home.

“Hi, welcome to Olive Garden!”

Ahh, It’s so nice to unwind with some O.G. house grapes in my wine glass after a grueling  game. Just then and “urban” couple from Douglasville chowing down on unlimited salad and extra gluten sticks try to make chit chat, “You must think we on a diet…”

image-3

I just can’t deal with the bridge and tunnel crowd right now. Not while I’m on vacay. Especially when the guy had a Washington Nationals on IN BRAVES COUNTY. I need a vacay from this vacay. Some far off land of mystique and fish tanks. Across the Parkway, almost getting murdered by an SUV racecar sponsored by Salt Life and a stick figure family, but I made it. Bang a gong, brother, I’m home. Between a Super Nails and Title Max, it’s a spiritual place of another world…

“Hiy! Howr many? You here fo pick up??”

It’s Lee’s Golden Budda Chinese Restaurant #7. Cobb has so much culture. Theres no place like this on the earth. Lee’s Golden Budda Chinese Restaurant #1 isn’t like it. Lee’s Golden Budda Chinese Restaurant #2 isn’t like it. Lee’s Golden Budda Chinese Restaurant #3 isn’t like it….

I drink half of some beer with a giant cat or turtle or ferret on it and I’m done. Too much culture. Too many heart breaks. And I’m too far from home

That cat/turtle ferret beer’s oriental powers must be kicking in because all of a sudden  I’m on the side of the highway taking a selfie with a Down’s Syndrome sign spinning Uncle Sam who’s trying to get me to sext the Lord and Savior.

Jesus

I’ve gotta get home, kick my dog, and send some passive aggressive texts to girls. No worries, I’m in Cobb County, the center of the free commy hatin world. I’ll just hop on some sort of futuristic train that moves masses of people around the city…. Like a MARTA or something…

Shit. FUCK. COBB. COUNTY.

-J. WInter

image

OysterfestFeature_700x260

Steamhouse Lounge’s 2014 Oysterfest

OysterfestMain_772x400
Listen here, folks. Steamhouse Lounge’s Oysterfest is this weekend and by God, you need to be there. Don’t like oysters? You do now. Don’t like hanging out with 8k cool people? The library is closed. Don’t like Budweiser and Jagermeister? Whatever. Here are some facts about this bash:
  • This is the 27th year for Oysterfest. Your mom went in 1981 and CRUSHED IT!
  • Oysters are cheap and plentiful. Eat up.
  • The Lobster bisque is f*ck!ng amazing.
  • The stage is larger than the Grand Canyon and hosts plenty of live music.
  • We almost broke the balcony on the hotel across the street 4 years ago.
  • Saturday is 21 and up so stay home high school nerds.
  • Sunday is 12 and up so stay home 1st grade nerds.
  • Live bands from 11:30 – 7 Saturday. Arrive early & start drinking immediately.
  • Buy a 2 day ticket for $20 or a Saturday ticket by itself for $20. Do the math.
  • There will be no bobsled at this event.
  • Buy tickets online because it will sell out and you will look like a loser on the other side of the fence trying to con your friend into asking his friend if that friend knows the guy that knows the guy who is throwing the festival who can let you in free.

 There you go people. I can’t wait to see you there along with my Tinder dates. Who? -Tom

BookofMormon2_700x260

The Book of Mormon Review By Jon Stennis

BookofMormon_772x400

Tonight I saw The Book of Mormon alongside the lady with whom I share a bed. Besides being balls cold with a wind chill factor of “let me peel your face with a razor knife,” it was a calm evening; the bums were meandering about reassuring patrons they made the right decision not to live anywhere near downtown Atlanta.

Rest assured there will be no spoilers; I will simply focus on the crowd and the hype surrounding this musical. Evidently, this is the “greatest musical of all time” and tickets for the Broadway showing are more sought after than the cure for AIDS. That in mind, I went to this EXTREMELY Off Broadway showing expecting to leave exhausted from laughing.

Not the case.

Sure, there were funny parts and some shocking lines, but ultimately this show appealed more to a crowd that finds the Big Bang Theory or Two Broke Girls amusing (any TV show with a laugh track and forced humor sucks, no matter what the ratings). I will admit that I was very entertained by the way they ripped the Mormon religion a new b-hole. (I did some research and there are some really silly beliefs with those bike pedaling bastards).

The crowd was more upper-middle class than I expected – a shit ton of blazers and mock turtlenecks. I’m sure a few of these folks had a seen a musical or two in their day, but I highly doubt they’d seen an episode of South Park to really prepare for what their “cultured” ears were about to hear. First off, I was seated behind a large woman in a hat. When I say large I don’t mean tall I mean wide – she had one of those secretary butts that had expanded in her office chair over the years like poured pancake batter.  Her size really wasn’t an issue; it was her “JJ from Good Times” hat that sat view obstructively atop her wispy disheveled old lady hair. After spending the entire first half defying physics with the way I had to bend my neck, she did slothfully turn around and asked if her hat was a distraction. Since I am only brave behind a computer screen or my windshield I said it was “no problem” but she removed it anyway.

I immediately missed the hat.

Upon removal I found the hat’s true purpose: to hold down a plethora of stringy grey and white hairs. With these strands of hair standing at full attention my view was as clear as looking through wax paper. Other than a need for Lasik and years of chiropractic work, the show went on without a hitch.

So in summary, is The Book of Mormon worth seeing? If you can get tickets, yes. If not, don’t sweat getting on the five-year waiting list.

Is it the funniest show ever? It was entertaining based off of the crowd’s reaction to hearing the word “Fuck” in a musical, but after the shock value wore off, so did the laughs.

What do you think happened to the lady in the hat? I can only speculate, but after spending 12 minutes freeing herself from the seat I hope she was scalped by Native Americans and her pelt traded for rice and sugar.

#Stennis

AirDoll

Do Not Look…

…at these Pictures!

Twas the night before New Year’s Day, and all through the house…EVERYONE WENT BANANAS, apparently. So much for a refined, formal affair with A Social Mess for New Year’s Eve. My God, what is wrong with you people? If you are not in any of these pictures then you are safe (and need to quit going to lame NYE parties). Sure you get to wear your favorite Tommy Hilfiger tie and Kenneth Cole shoes at other parties but we were half naked and terribly intoxicated. Thanks to Bud Light, Pinnacle Vodka & Jagermeister! We got dumber, wore bizarre costumes and I got married (to Keri and I’m sure her boyfriend is going to dislike these photos). So it goes, so it goes.

Email us your favorite story from the party and you might win $100 cash just so we can hear about other shenanigans that ensued. We will also add it to our next newsletter and make you celebrity famous.

Speaking of celebrity famous, if any of you fools can spell and write, we are looking for interesting blog articles for the Social Mess website. Let us know fool! You will get exposure and free stuff.

Now, DON’T LOOK AT THESE PICTURES

NYEUnicorns

 

ASM_SHADES

Black Weekend: Free Gift with Purchase

Have we got a deal for YOU! This weekend only: Get a FREE pair of these spectacular glasses (that do nothing for your vision and definitely do not block the sunlight). All purchases for NYE tickets made THIS WEEKEND will receive a pair of these suckers. *We will surprise you with the color + glasses will be mailed to the address associated with your ticket purchase. GET TICKETS NOW

photo

Budweiser Braves Tailgate

Middle management here at A Social Mess wanted to take a moment and share our Budweiser Braves Tailgate photos from last Friday with you and your family. We apologize for the delay, but Walgreen’s photo lab wouldn’t accept our coupons at first…so we had do go to Eckerd Drugs. There are a few things you will notice in the pictures. First, we have been drinking. Second, we appear handicap but we are not. Third, your mom never showed up. Enjoy. -Otis Nixon

249179_10152929954005503_2131998368_n

Date Auction: April 11

Attention Atlantans! ‘Tis hours before the One Love Date Auction at Johnny’s Hideaway. Yes sir, our very own Jennifer Lester has mustered up every hot chick and luscious dude in Atlanta to raise money for her brainchild charity (that will save the world through kids and art), One Love Generation. If you have not been to this date auction, it is a true spectacle to behold. In addition, you can literally buy people. Myself (Tom here) and my pathetic co-hosts Ace Amerson, Joel Darby & Truffle Reeves will be showcasing said folks for your bidding. Some highlights include Jenni Leigh Robinson who Ace is literally in love with and chased for 5 years, John John Delladonna who has a dolphin fetish, Ashley Ver Steeg (NOT FOR SALE) & Sarah Shearer (FOR SALE), Ariff Glick who is way cooler than any of you plus many many more. Now, come party with us for a good cause. We have 25+ folks for me to embarrass – I mean auction off to you. Each person comes with some amazing packages well worth the dough you pay for them and it all goes to help the next generation of artists in Atlanta. And as if you needed yet another reason, DJ MADFLIP will be scaring Johnny’s regulars. Doors at 7, bidding starts at 8pm.  *Wanna bid on someone, but can’t make it out to the auction? Place your pre-bids! Email Lester for more details.

AND NOW, THE LIST OF DATERS UP FOR AUCTION (in alpha order)!

Ashley_Sarah_2

Jenni_2

JohnJohn3

Mercedes+Jessica

Lepre*CON 2013 Shots

Someone, anyone, please tell me how (exactly how) ANYONE who lives in Ireland is still alive. Lepre*CON 2013 beat us like things that really get beat up. ONE HELL OF A PARTY. Best party yet! God Bless you people. We want to thank all of you booze-hounds who showed up in a frenzy Saturday. We can’t wait to do it again. Now, here are the pictures from the greatest St. Pats party of all time (well at least the ones the sober lawyers say we can release). Look for the others on Cinemax.LepreCON 2013