By Jessica Collins

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Many have asked me why I’m quitting a baller job in corporate-America to flee the country and live internationally in a city I’ve never been to doing something I know nothing about. No, I’m not running from a guy. My FIL (see below) is almost clear. No, I’m not trying to find myself. After a near-death car wreck that lead to a full blood transfusion, you, quite literally, get a fresh start. I’m definitely “found” and have been for a while.

I’m going because I want to explore the other side of the world for more than two weeks at a time. Plus, I really like Thailand. And, I’m pretty sure I owe a stripper at “Super Pussy” a rematch from our last Ping-Pong game.

But, rather than drop everything I’m doing and run away fugitive-style, I did make preparations prior to my departure. These are my top 5 “must-do’s” before you get a wild hair in your ass to do something similar.

5.  Eat Pizza Hut every day. Seriously. When you’re going to a remote town in Northern Thailand where most of the cuisine is street vendors frying up tarantulas, you better get your fill of whatever American food you want… Taco Bell, Steak ‘n Shake, Zaxby’s. For me, I love a good personal pan pizza when I’m hungover. The grease. The cheese. Yes, to all of it.

I never eat fast food (Chick-fil-A doesn’t count) unless I’m drunk or hungover. My go-to is Pizza Hut. So, I’ve been eating it frequently. Am I consuming 6,000+ calories a day and making myself physically sick? Yes. But, I’m not worried about it considering I’ll probably have stomach issues the first few months in Thailand from Montezuma’s Revenge. My pizza-induced stomach ache will feel like a walk-in-the-park compared to what’s coming.

4. Get Botox. Having recently tuned 30 and been told that I have wrinkles, I decided I had to take care of those lines in my face ASAP. I do not know the healthcare “sitch” in Thailand, nor do I trust 3rd world doctors, who got their medical degree from Rice Farmer’s University. So, I’m not going to let them inject a chemical into my face that could make me look like one of those freaks from “Botched.” Instead, I chose to use a Groupon for a plastic surgeon in the states, who got their degree from DeVry.

3. Be a tourist in your home city. After 10 years of living in Atlanta, I have absolutely zero desire to tour CNN, drink shitty coke at the World of Coke, ride the ferris wheel, or climb through Underground Atlanta. But, now that I cannot do any of those things anytime I want, I’m doing all of it. I want to bask in the boring nonsense Atlanta has to offer because there’s a very small chance I might actually miss this place.

2. Stock-up on the necessities. If there’s something in America you cannot live without (something small, like Chapstick – not a mattress), then you better stock up. There’s this zit-cream that I cannot live with out. No clue if I’ll be able to find it in Thailand, so I cleaned out every CVS within a 5-mile radius of my house to take it with me. No one wants to look like a prepubescent, pimply teen in another country because they cannot find good skin-care products… AMIRITE?

And, you’re going to need to stockpile your daily medications. Primarily, birth control and Adderall. No one is trying to reproduce a local anytime soon, and Adderall because… it’s Adderall.

1. Finally, the MOST important thing is your Fuck-It List (FIL). Not to be confused with “bucket” list. Everyone has those local guys or gals they want to bang… either for the first time or for the millionth time. If you’re moving internationally, you may never see that potential slam piece again. So, a FIL is mandatory. It’s easy and the rules are simple. Just tell him/her/them that they’re on the list, set a time and date, then slam until your heart’s content. Your time is limited. Your list should not be. You could never see each other again. Your plane could go down over the Pacific. You NEED to slam while you have the chance. So, satisfy your libido stateside, then get the hell out of dodge.

Bonus:  Learn the language. Do I speak Thai? Nope. Should I try and learn Thai? Probably. But, I’m banking on my “winging-it” plan being effective.

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