By Trey Humphreys
Hey, guess what? It’s not 104 degrees with 104% humidity anymore, thank God. Fall is upon us which means one thing and one thing only. Time to find a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. God bless this sucks.
For the record, we are fast approaching the 8th straight year that I will celebrate Christmas single. Therefore, let it be known that I am no expert on scoring a lover for the winter. However, a man can dream and if I have to spend another holiday season with my mom and her designer dogs, I’m joining the Navy.
Clearly all rational human beings agree that it is imperative to be single during spring and summer months. Bikinis, pool parties, festivals, patios and daylight whichever-one-makes-it-light-outside-longer savings all conspire to reward the single man and woman. There is no reason to snuggle up on the couch with a nice fire and tub of pizza when it is 98 degrees outside. Do the math you gross bastards. Who owns a fireplace? Rich.
Summer was made to swing. Not swing like a 47 year-old-odd-shaped couple up in that Bridgemill neighborhood, but swing like mix and mingle. Flirt. Play the field. See what’s available. Day drink till you wake up in the bushes at 7:35 pm. Think Ivy.
Or in my case, watch every series ever made on Netflix. Siri even put me in the friend zone.
Now, we are moving into November so if you haven’t landed a lover yet, you are behind the ball. I have no idea the best way to find a side-piece and am pretty sure Tinder is broke because I haven’t had a match since Ronald Reagan started middle school.
The reason you want to find a girlfriend or boyfriend for the winter months is two fold; it is cold as piss outside. Well, maybe that was one fold.
Nobody wants to go outside. Nobody is tan anymore. Nobody is in shape. Everybody is horny.
I think they should change the whole “Movember” mustache thing to “SINGLE BUTTON-OVEMBER” where everybody who is single wheres a huge red button that says “SINGLE”. That way, by December we all might be paired up. Or at least you guys would be.
Another reason to have a significant other during the winter is so you can tolerate all those stupid holiday parties where everyone just stands in the kitchen the whole time. What if we had a Tacky sweater party? OMG! HAHA! SO FUN! I want cocaine.
Well, lock and load folks. It is time to pair up. If you are a single girl, 98% disease free and find below average bloggers sexy, well, look no further. I clear 35k before taxes and live in a condo.