I’ve got a friend who makes sure, when meeting a new single girl, that he mentions sex in the first 5 minutes of conversation. When I first noticed he was doing it, sometimes having to awkwardly shoehorn it into a conversation, I found it sad. However, after confronting the friend, he says that while it can and should be handled better, it’s the one surefire way to make sure that he doesn’t get put into the “friend zone” (this, for the uninformed, is the sexual desert where no libido survives). My friend claims that at least mentioning sex in the first 5 minutes of a conversation completely alters the impression that you’re making. If it’s true that a woman decides in the first 5 minutes if she’ll sleep with you, and you’re not James Bond, why not at least stack the odds in your favor? Further, at the very least, she’ll have to view you as something other than a ken doll. I responded that forcing sex into the conversation early seems like a certain way to ruin your chances of the thing you want most. While that may be, my friend responded, it’s better than not saying anything and being pigeonholed as a “nice guy”. Nice guys, he says, don’t tell Tucker Max stories. He says he doesn’t want to be Tucker Max (whom he claims is a no-talent braggart at best, at worst, a flat-out liar), but he’d like the option of having some of those stories happen to him. You don’t get that if you’re in the “friend zone”.
I’ve never claimed that a man’s one-track mind is anything to be proud of, but in our defense, we’ve been pretty clear that we enjoy sex and want it all the time. In fact, not only have we been clear about it, we’ve never swerved from this one overriding goal: everything a guy says or does is about having sex. And women know this. There’s no way they couldn’t know it given how often they’re forced to confront it, almost on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Yet, time and again, they pull an Ostrich and pretend to not see the ulterior motive. What is amazing is that they then pretend to be disappointed when they’re confronted with the truth that they’ve known all along.
In other blogs, I’ve discussed the outside/inside guy dichotomy, notably explained in “Seinfeld”: the inside guy is who gets to sleep with a girl who claims to not have a boyfriend. He does no work in exchange for this, except answering the phone late night when she’s drunk and doesn’t want to be alone that night. See: booty call. The outside guy is the guy who does all the work: makes plans for an evening together which frequently include calling ahead for reservations and purchasing flora. Yet this guy gets nowhere. And when the girl is asked about the outside guy, more than likely, she will say those words that every guy who’s not a eunuch dreads: “Oh, he’s like a brother to me”.
No, he’s not. He’s dying to bang you like a screen door in a windstorm. But he’s not as good-looking, popular, rich or cool as the douchebag she’s got on the inside, so he’s forced to do the work. Bottom line? The outside guy ALWAYS wants to become the inside guy. But it’s an uphill battle and the odds at making this transition are roughly the same odds that you’ll become a professional athlete overnight. But this piece is not a how-to on making this transition; it’s about women’s self-delusion that they think ANY guy can be de-sexualized. In my opinion, Tiger Woods, President Clinton, Catholic Priests etc. etc haven’t caused nearly the scandal as much as women’s supposed “shock” at men’s sex drives. Guess what, ladies? If your brother is straight, I guarantee you that if he’s not trying to bang other women, he’s thinking about how much he’d love to.
What this comes back to, as almost all gender discussions do, is this freaky stranglehold that women have on fairy-tales where Prince Charming is an asexual fop whose ultimate romantic expression is a kiss. Women can repress the truth down deep in the darkest corner of their psyche along with the memories of that creepy uncle or camp counselor, but we’re ALL sexual beings, and whether they choose to recognize it or not, it’s the truth. Conversationally castrating a guy she’s not interested in doesn’t make it the truth. And further, hearing this dismissal can make a guy angrier than if she HAD kicked him in the nuts. Look at it from his point of view: he’s been doing all of the work, all the while KNOWING she’s probably got some dbag on the inside who gets to do all the hot/nasty things he’s been dying to do, but all of his efforts have been wasted. She doesn’t “think of him like that”. Wow. There go hundreds of dollars and hours of his life that he’ll never get back.
While I believe that women are mostly to blame in this conspiracy of illusion where they choose not to see the sexual side of a guy they’re not interested in, I also believe that some blame lies with the guys who play into this role. Guys, STOP being the friend if you’re hoping for more. You have a choice to NOT stay in the “friend zone”, or to NOT act like a brother to her. In fact, if you’re so blind that you don’t know you’re the outside guy, then the words “I don’t see him like that” should be your starting gun to run as fast as you can away from the girl who says it. Women claim to want honesty (though I’ve written elsewhere about the Grand Canyon-sized gap between what women say they want and what they really want), but they don’t want the truth when its ugly. And trust me; our overwhelming urge to procreate is unattractive to them. When a girl says a guy is like a brother to her, it’s like saying Jamaica is a great place to vacation. It is, as long as you never leave the resort where you’re staying. If you do, you see unmistakable and overwhelming signs of crime, poverty and decay that are normally kept hidden from tourists.
I would love to claim I’m not in the friend zone with any girls who are my friends. But unless you’re a pimp-daddy playa (which, much to my chagrin, I am most certainly not), chances are you have girl friends that you’re not sleeping with. Its fine to have friends who are girls: guys always need help/advice from girls on how to get into other girls’ pants. But unless these girls are sexually out of the question, they should know that they’re in play. You never know when you might be missing out on a golden opportunity to capitalize on some benefits with your girl friends…