by Laura Diem
Bored? Figures. Read on.
In light of the Halloween season, I wanted to share some things that frighten me. Real life things. Reasonable things that haunt my dreams. Sound exciting? It’s not. Below are my top ten scariest things on earth. I apologize in advance for wasting your time.
10. Drawn on Eyebrows: WHY. I mean I want to stop looking, but I literally can’t look away. What if it rains? Do you sweat? What emotion is that? Just kill me now.
9. McDonald’s Serving Breakfast All Day: The moment I think I have a real handle on life, Ronald goes and does a thing like this. Heart disease by the age of 35? Sure! Arteries? Who needs ’em.
8. Holding Babies: Yes, OF COURSE your baby is cute. Cutest baby I have ever seen. For reals. But do I really want to fumble around with your newborn? I can’t even. Babies heads weigh roughly 48lbs and apparently are NOT connected to their bodies. My arms go numb in seconds. How do I give it back? Help.
7. Separate Checks: Hey there. Could you put 1/8 of our cheese dip on this card please? No, I can’t afford the full $5.99 charge on my tab. Is tip included? I don’t know whose beer that is. My ride is here, gotta go. Bye.
6. Sara Davis: Not much explanation needed. She is the most terrifying person on earth. She also has a dog named Toby that no one has ever seen. Do yourself a favor and never be around when she is annoyed, hungry, sad, hungover, happy, breathing… Sara has sold 1 ticket to our Halloween Party.
5. Leaving a Voicemail: BEEP. Hi Janet, it’s Laura. How are you? (awkward silence) Anyways… *Click*
4. My Driving: If you have ever been in my car you will know that I end each day with roughly 3-5 “close calls”. I also use my GPS for any trip lasting longer than 1 mile and I don’t know how to use my horn. Buckle up because I will make you wish you got an uber.
3. 10% or Less Phone Battery: This is the way the world ends. Literally. I’m not above straight-up leaving you alone in a restaurant if my sh*t goes in the red. What do you want me to do? Have a conversation with you? That’s funny.
2. Checking My Bank Account: What? 36 pending charges from Saturday? Who takes 8 Uber rides in three hours? What costs $180 at Pool Hall? Anyone hiring?
1. Getting Trapped in a Group Text: Guys. A round of applause for the update that lets you leave group chats. God Bless America. Let’s also have a moment of silence for that one friend who does not own an iPhone (wtf?) and is keeping you from leaving said group chat. You are the absolute WORST. Never texting you again. Ever.
Thanks for pretending to listen.
xo – Diem