By Trey Humphreys
I watch the Bachelorette TV show on ABC. Am I proud of it? I am. It’s wonderful. Like Justin Bieber in a bath tub. That wonderful.
If you have no life like me and TV is your soulmate, you know we are in the middle of The Bachelorette, Season 12,000. If you do better things with your life than check Tinder every 6 minutes and watch TV, let me catch you up….
Ol’ girl, Kaitlyn, has 25 of the most unfunny dudes in America vowing for her love. She has already banged Justin Timberlake (see below) on episode 3 and told the emotional fitness trainer (see below, again) he won on episode 1 off camera.
Chris, the dentist with a huge fake cupcake candy corn machine, almost damn near jumped off a cliff in Ireland when she told him he lost. Then wailed into his hands like I did at my dad’s funeral. That sucked.
The black guy got kicked off, but proclaimed he is the next bachelor even though he has a two bald spots and was terrible.
There are a few other dudes left gaining twitter followers and hoping for victory plus me on my couch, eating a Bubba Burger that I cooked on a shitty George Foreman Grill garnished with mustard and a solo cup of expired milk. Monday is my new Saturday.
[no pic available thank God]
Now, every once in a while somebody (my mom and married friends) suggest I try out for the show. I tell them they should try out for the Olympics.
On a side note: ABC, FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE, PLEASE CREATE “THE GAY BACHELOR” BEFORE THE SOUTHERN BAPTISTS REVERSE THE MARRIAGE DEAL (AND PUT THAT DUMB FLAG BACK UP). Can you imagine 25 gay dudes and 85 tons of luggage in a LA mansion with tasteless tapestries all forced to sleep in bunk beds? PURE. TV. GOLD. Hehe. LOLz. sigh…
I bet Chris Harrison is straight.
There are a litany of reasons I should not be on the show. A real litany. You know what a litany is? I don’t. The Litany Lions probably know. I am stupid. Bubba Burger with mustard.
Here are the top 10 reasons I would lose on this show:
10) I’m too f*cking old. I’m as old as the bachelorette’s father. Home visits would be a real joy. Me and the dad could talk about prostate glands and WTF I am doing in his house.
9) I would take a cat with me. If that was not allowed because the producers are assholes, I would take a parakeet. The Parakeet Guy. I guarantee I would make it at least 4 weeks as The Parakeet Guy. Maybe 3 weeks.
8) I would always stare directly into the camera and fist bump everybody.
7) I would only drink frozen mudslides and eat peanut butter straight from the jar on dates.
6) I would always wear the same exact outfit as Chris Harrison. Period. Unless I was at the pool where it would be multi color umbros and a Hobie dry fit body surfing shirt.
5) No Netflix.
4) When the other guys workout, I would crush Adderall and clean the house, yard, driveway, roof, pool, garden, garage, neighbors house and the rest of LA while listening to 90’s techno and chewing a truckload of Stride gum.
3) My dates would only be at buffets.
2) Ok so there aren’t exactly 10 reasons, but I am sure you are sick of reading this terrible article and I am in love with the USA Women’s Soccer Team Goalie who I proclaim as the next Bachelorette.
(Have you ever heard of Instagram? @furbustrey)
It took me 18 tries to figure out how to spell bachelorette.