Top 10 Worst Shots of All Time (plus my new inventions)

by Trey Humphreys

Hello friends. Tom here. Let’s talk about shots. Sure, they build camaraderie but they also cause blackouts, vomit and disgusting romantic encounters with bizarre humans. I wouldn’t know. I think shots should be against the law but who am I to make laws, a law maker? No. So, let’s discuss the worst shots of all time and then let’s take a look as some I created (in my head). I encourage you to buy one for all your friends this weekend.

10.  Cement Mixer – Bailey’s, lime juice

cement-mixer-disgusting-shots-420x400

9.  Dead Man Walking – Absinthe, Goldschläger

dead man walking shot

8.  Gorilla Puke – 151 Bacardi, Wild Turkey Whisky

gorilla puke shot

7. Tapeworm – Pinnacle Vodka, Tabasco and warm mayonnaise

6. New Jersey Turnpike – Bar mat juice or bar rag juice

new jersey turkpike shot

4. Liquid Steak – Rum and worchesirire sauce

LIQUID STEAK SHOT

3. Burned Dead – Pinnacle Vodka, Hot Mustard, Sauerkraut juice

burned dead shot

2. Infected Whitehead – Vodka, bloody Mary mix and cottage cheese

infected-whitehead-disgusting-shots

1. Smokers Cough – Warm Mayonnaise and Jägermeister

smokers cough shot

I thought I would come up with a few since we have a few more moments.  Here are my suggestions to add to the list ….

Your Great Aunt –  Cookie Dough flavored Pinnacle Vodka, Back sweat, white rain hair spray

Homosexual Opossum – Well tequila, Bacardi 151, dollop Colgate toothpaste, flax seed

Gin & Puke – Cheesecake flavored Gin, mascara, peach schnapps, oregano and braised kale

The Dirty Critter – Jägermeister, buttermilk, B.C. powder, hamster droppings

Crossfit Females – Pinnacle Vodka, raw salmon, creatine, eggnog, chalk

Dolphin Sneeze – moonshine & tuna salad

Joel Darby  – Jack Daniels, peanut butter, White Zinfandel, ground pickle

Feet Juice – Beer, Prell shampoo, duck fat

Well, there you go.   I am never drinking again.  Well, maybe.

Free Tickets to Steamhouse Lounge Oysterfest This Weekend

The time has arrived.  Saturday 11 am  to 7 pm and Sunday noon to 6 pm. Let’s party. Want to win 2 free tickets to Oysterfest? Yes,  you sure do. Well then, simply post any picture of yourself as a “social mess” on Steamhouse Lounge’s Facebook page HERE and tag us #asocialmess and you my friend, might win free tickets. FREE. Ergo you can buy more booze.

oysterfest_posterwithbandsv4

 

 

Free Food from Gusto! Wood Fire Grill & 10 Flywheel Classes

Guess what? It is festival season which is the precursor to bathing suit season which means you have to get your fat a** in shape. Well, low and behold we have a deal for you friends. Our buddies over at Gusto! Woodfire Grill have teamed up with Flywheel and are giving away some food and classes! Gusto is new killer concept over by Piedmont Hospital (CLICK TO WIN!) that serves healthy rice and salad bowls plus flat-bread wraps. Flywheel is an intense spin class that burns about 800,000 calories in 45 minutes. Sidenote: the last time I was in Gusto they had this chocolate fudge type thing that was the greatest piece of food I have ever tasted in my entire life. Sorry, I digress. At any rate, register (here) to win $200 in food and 10 flywheel classes! That is worth around $27,000 ish. Healthy food that actually tastes good and spin classes that are actually fun? I think so….. GET IT!

Social Mess Ultimate Givaway! FREE SHIZZZZZZZZZ!

Just like your girl Oprah, we got some shiz to give away. Damn right. That ol girl ain’t got nothing on us. Ish. Here we go with our first ever GIVEAWAY ISSUE!

 WIN FREE SH*T ALL DAY LONG!

Lepre*CON 2015 WIN 4 TICKETS | March 14, 2015 |Post a picture of a Dolphin on your Instagram profile and tag us (@asocialmess) and #leprecon2015  (Instagram profile must be set to public, Winner announced Friday at noon)

Smokebelly BBQ $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE | Tweet a random mac-n-cheese recipe idea and tag @smokebellybbq and @asocialmess  (Winner announced Friday at 1PM)

Beltline Boil WIN 2 TICKETS | April 4th in Inman Park | Email a joke to trey@asocialmess.com  (Winner announced Friday at 2:43PM)

Atlanta Wine Party WIN 2 TICKETS | March 7th at Opera 6PM – 10PM |  Tweet your favorite wine and tag @asocialmess  (Winner announced Friday at 3PM)

Hogs & Hops WIN 2 TICKETS | April 11th 1PM – 5PM Masquarade Music Park | Instagram a picture of a beat up rabbit and tag @asocialmess and @atlantabeerfestivals  (Winner announced Friday at 4PM)

The Pool Hall WIN $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE + A HUG | Facebook John John Delladonna and tell him to give you a $50 gift Certificate (Winner chosen at John John Delladonna’s discretion)

 

LEPRE*CON 2015 ARTIST LINE UP

Welcome the greatest party of the year, LEPRECON 2015. Indeed kind sir, on March 14th our worries melt into a sea of booze and green. We, along with 4000+ of our most fantastic friends,  we raise our glass/can/bottle/shots to Ol boy “St. Patricks” as we loosen our morals and make unhealthy decisions.  And to aid us in this endeavor, here are some of the artists booked thus far:

SPRING BREAK & MAIN STAGES:

  • Jacob & The Good People (and friends)
  • DJ Cannonball
  • The Panama City Boyz
  • Speakerfoxxx
  • DJ EU
  • DJ Madflip
  • DJ DiceK

You just wait friends. We are currently negotiating more entertainment and have a few surprises up our sleeves, per usual.  Well, not literally up our sleeves but in the works. What and where are the works? Who knows. God Bless. Get a TICKET or wait till the door when they are $40 – $12,000 each.

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Bubble Soccer

As you know, the host team of A Social Mess are exceptional athletes. As such, we decided to don a very competitive and intense game of Bubble Soccer for our latest photo shoot to promote LEPRE*CON 2015. Check out the video to witness the blood, guts & Glory. And booze, disaster & humans balls. Well, not human balls…well, you will see..

Thanks to Bubble Soccer Atlanta for the good times!

GET TICKETS TO LEPRECON 2015

 

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LOVE: Miracles, Pat Benatar & Mayonnaise Explain Love and Valentine’s Day

katniss arrow

by Trey Humphreys

Cupid and Katniss Everdeen both shoot arrows. Coincidence? I think not.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Terrible.

A strange thing happened to me this morning. In an ever-long quest to figure out “Love” so that I don’t die a lonely old man in a shanty old folks home staring at a parakeet during the afternoon bingo game, I stumbled upon a new book. The name of the book is Return To Love. Shoot me.

With Valentine’s Day upon us, I thought we should discuss love. As my stomach churns.

Although Love has been a real battle for me, I honestly believe love is the only reason we are here on earth. Literally. To love and be loved. That’s it. Nuff said. #yolo. But seriously. Stomach still hurts.

Now, before you get all FREAKED OUT let me clarify a few notables. First, I do not take heed to any particular religion or philosophy. I am not against organized religion and think much of it does wonderful things. However, I don’t understand how a Pope won’t love someone because they are a homosexual (even though ol’ boy Jesus would have) or how Allah apparently guides people to kill women and children. Baffling. I do think, however, Buddha was a bad ass even though monks have terrible haircuts and wear maroon curtains in airports. Weaselly little fellas.

If you pointed a real gun to my head and asked me about God I would have to say that I believe “God” is “Love” and “Love” is “God”.

That’s it. No Ark with every animal on the planet. No dude named Mohammed ascending to heaven from a rock in Jerusalem. No Tom Cruise and his spreadsheets of Scientology. Maybe snake handling.

For those keeping score, I have battled negative self talk my entire life which is a real bitch. This, in effect, has led me to read every self-help book on the planet. Fresh out of self-help books, I have now switched to spirituality books. And this landed me at Caribou Coffee this morning reading A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. I removed the cover so people wouldn’t judge me, point or laugh.

Side note: Due to a condition the therapists call “Fear of Abandonment” I have not had a Valentine’s Day date since 2005. Guess that could be a blessing?

This book apparently is based on some woo woo spiritual book called A Course in Miracles. Low and behold, the first three chapters were about love. And God. And Drugs. I was hooked. I also like miracles.

Ol girl who wrote this book, Marianne Williamson, apparently was a bit of a hell raiser back in the day before she found Love and God and peace and happiness by reading A Course in Miracles. I think she was also pretty hot. I was hooked more.

Side note: I was drinking with my good friend Pat one time when she told me, “Love is a battlefield, heartache to heartache we stand”. She was right.

It is funny how “Love” can be the most euphoric feeling in the world and the worst hell imaginable. Falling in love feels like the combination of cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, french fries, a back scratch, 400 count sheets and sneezing all at the same time.

Getting your heart broken feels like drinking a spoiled mayonnaise smoothie made with sardines, back sweat and non-organic sewage while nursing shingles and getting kicked in the nuts by a polar bear, four times in a row. For the most part.

I believe we are all searching for love our entire lives. Love for ourselves, love from others and love for others. Marianne suggests that this is the meaning of life. Pat claims is it war. My therapist is overpaid. That was supposed to be a side note.

So, if you do not have a lover this Valentine’s day like the rest of us with daddy issues (or if you do and he or she sucks), then take heed in some of this banter that Marianne wrote in the book:

  • “Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn.”
  • “To experience love in ourselves and others is the meaning of life.”
  • “God is the love within us.”
  • “Love in energy.”
  • “Love in your mind produces love in your life. This is the meaning of Heaven”
  • “Fear in your mind produces fear in your life. This is the meaning of Hell.”

The take away?

First, God is not some white bearded middle age dude in a man-dress living in the clouds. Second, the most important person to love is yourself (so take yourself to a fancy dinner on Valentine’s Day and give yourself a Valentine’s Day card that says I love you). Third, never try to read A Course in Miracles straight through or your brain will catch on fire. Forth, never drink with Pat Benatar.

Good luck out there folks.

Love you, mean it.

Trey

Side note: Never read “Fault in Our Stars” on a commercial flight if you are a 40 year old man with a crying disorder.

Side note: There are no more side notes thank God.

Fontaine’s Oyster House Fat Tuesday Party!

Hey Fat A$$! Next Tuesday is FAT Tuesday! Do you know what that means?

What rhymes with Oysters? Drunk. Join us next Tuesday at Fontaine’s in the Highlands for our annual Fat Tuesday celebration. As they say in the home of the French Fry, Laissez les bons temps rouler! Loosely translated this means drink, dance & hurl beads at wasted chicks with heavy chests. Ish. If you can’t get down to NOLA for the festivities then come down to Fontaine’s and let the good times roll!

Fat Tuesday

My First French Kiss

Horrific. That about sums it up.

There comes a point in every man and woman’s life where you French Kiss for the first time. Unless you don’t. I guess.

My introduction to this world of romantic endeavor occurred in the 6th grade. However, my first kiss on the lips happened in 4th grade on a Church bus heading to a Church camp in St. Simons, GA. My God that girl was hot. She was a full-blown blond bombshell with an outrageous body. Sure she was bigger than I was at the time like every female on the Earth but a knock out none the less. I was on top of the world and kissing was WONDERFUL.

The trauma that unfolded in the sixth grade was not WONDERFUL. (Side note: use the word wonderful as much as possible because it is a fantastic word) I was dating a girl, whatever that means when you don’t have a car and not sure how your penis works, and had kissed her several times in the course of our courtship. However, I had always avoided the French Kiss because the thought of it scared the shit out of me. God forbid I mess it up, bite her tongue, get gingivitis, cancer, AIDS, gout, cavities, polio or a boner.

Then along came her birthday party. Great.

If you have ever been young, then you will understand how your peers encourage you to do everything. Any by peers I mean asshole friends. I believe Dr. Phil calls this peer pressure. Well guess what? There was a shit ton of that at this birthday party.

How do you practice French Kissing when you have never French Kissed? YOU CAN’T. That is the problem. Unless you have a forgiving dog or live on a farm I guess. Should have thought of that.

We were somewhere under her house, or beside it, or in it, or whatever I cant remember. There were several of my terrible friends shouting at me to kiss her. Like a boss, I kissed her. Over and over. On the lips. No tongue. Easy breezy. Everybody shut up. Where is the cake?

Then the same set of asshole friends starting chanting “with tongue”. And the nightmare begins.

The French Kiss – invented in France and known around the world as a kiss that involves the tongue going into and around the mouth of the partner. i.e., take one of the most vial parts of the human body and home to a quarter trillion bizarre bacteria and overproducing mucus glands and put your number one taste receptor, the tongue, inside of said space and wiggle it around. Thanks France.

After a hour of encouragement and on the brink of an anxiety attack, I was forced to engage in my first French Kiss.

I stuck my tongue in her mouth.

I cannot remember if I did the straight in and out jackhammer method or the helicopter round-a-bout method but confident it was one of the two. After what seemed to be 6 hours of kissing (8 seconds) I was done. Mission accomplished.

I had finally performed my first French kiss. BOOM! I WAS A MAN!

Then I got sick to my stomach, left the party early and went home and cried. I swear to God.

Trey

TICKETS FOOL

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Ticket Price Increase Next Tuesday. THANKS OBAMA.

We apologize, but are forced by the laws of nature to increase ticket prices next Tuesday due to higher than usual ticket sales. You see, math whizzes, we are only allowed to sell a certain amount of pre-sale tickets due to space constraints at Piedmont Park. Ergo, we cannot sell all the tickets at welfare levels ($13) forever or we don’t make money and God knows we love money. Jennifer wants to retire in a duplex one day and John John has his eyes on a Honda Civic lease. I’m focused on a used oriental rug next year. The only way to accomplish these milestones is to make money. The point is get your tickets while they are less expensive than most pet store fresh water fish.

CURRENT TICKET PRICE: $13.00

TICKET PRICE AFTER 12PM FEB 2ND: $18.00

THINGS YOU CAN BUY IF YOU SAVE $5:

  • live hamster
  • small burnt coffee at Starbucks
  • Half of a free range grass feed sustainable egg at whole foods
  • 38 pairs of socks on Buford Highway
  • a cute pink duster from Target
  • can of Four Loco
  • pair of shoe strings

TICKETS FOOL

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