My 5 Day Text Marathon with a Spammer that Doesn’t End Pretty…

I write this with a broken heart. Last week, a man named “Tom” contacted a company I own asking to rent a bus. Poor Tom said that he is hearing impaired and would have to do the transaction over email and text. Because I like to give back to the community and have a soft heart for the handicap, I did everything I could to help Tom secure transportation for his beloved son’s birthday party. For some reason, Tom decided not to rent the vehicle from me and ended up being ugly to me.

It all began when my office received a quote request from Tom and replied with our vehicles and rates.

Tom then replied…

“Thanks for your respond,the favor i needed from you is to help me charge extra $1000  and also give you $100 extra  for your business tips on my credit card,the $1000 for the birthday planner add with the Car  fees payment , and you can help me send the $1000  to the birthday  planner. So that they can have the birthday  planing done to your place on that date because i want to use it as a surprise gift for my son on his birthday with the Car because i don’t have cash now with me and they also don’t have credit card facility they only accept cash payment for order,so you would help me send the money through Western union or Money Gram. And am asking for this favor  due to my Business trip and i will be very glad if you can handle everything for me that why am asking for the favor…..I will be expecting your reply back with your full name, address with direct cell phone numbers to locate your place, also let me know when you ready to charge my card, so that i will give you my card info. Thanks so muchTom”

Of course, I shot him my cell phone number and immediately got a text…. …GAME ON B*TCHES!
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I loved Tom but he broke my heart. It was the best five days of my life.
I encourage everyone that reads this to send Tom a text and ask him to be my friend again. You can also email himat jonestom2016@hotmail.com. If you do, please copy me trey@asocialmess.com!
Trey
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P.S. Can’t wait to see everyone at Eats & Beats tonight! There are still a few tickets left (last chance to get em for $65 w/ promo code ASM). They will be $85 at the door. This event supports Children of Conservation and The Giving Kitchen. There will be bands-o-plenty including Yacht Rock Revue and some of the chef’s personal bands. 25 tastings from Atlanta’s best restaurants and plenty of open bars all night! GET TICKETS HERE
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Eats & Beats at Buckhead Theatre Aug 13th

by Trey Humphreys

Do you love Gorillas? God bless how could you not? Wonderful. I do too.

Many moons and a stones throw ago I actually interned at The Atlanta Zoo. After graduating from Auburn University with a Zoology Degree (the equivalent of taking 70k in $100 bills and simply burning it), I determined my next life path was testing out zoo work.

I cleaned more sh*t than on all the streets of India.

I did however get to feed Willie B. protein shakes with his meds everyday. That was badass.

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You see, The Giving Kitchen helps industry folks that come on unexpected hard times. Children of Conservation actually helps educate the children of wildlife sanctuary (including GORILLAS!) workers in Africa. BOOM! Save a horse ride a cowboy. What?

So, Eats & Beats.

Our friends at Children of Conservation and The Giving Kitchen are throwing a humdinger of a gala at the Buckhead Theatre on Thursday, August 13 from 7 – 10 pm. These folks have gathered up over 25 of the best restaurants in Atlanta to come showcase some free food including Smokebelly BBQ, Local Three, Watershed, Prime, Leon’s Full Service, Kimball House, The Big Ketch, Jakes Ice Cream, Horseradish Grill and on and on and on ….

Now, there is also AN OPEN BAR. If you lack intelligence and can’t spell Google, OPEN BAR means FREE BOOZE. Your ticket gets you free food AND FREE BOOZE. Lord help us….

They have also commissioned Yacht Rock to play as well as some for the Chefs bands. If I know one thing, Atlanta Chefs like to booze. Add music and it should be WONDERFUL.

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Join the Social Mess crew next Thursday and watch us drink them out of booze. I mean try the food. Sorry.

Grab yourself some tickets HERE and save a few bucks with code “ASM”.

See you soon!

An Ode to Arnold and Hot Dogs

By Ema Cupcakehead tatt

SO…Furbus Trey has spoken and decided the people want to read what I have to write. Who I am? Good question. I’m a 20-something, unemployed (Who wants to take me to lunch?) female who did not match with Trey Humphreys on Tinder. Most of you probably know me as Cupcake, CC, Ema, Emaleigh Brooke, dirtysouthcupcake, the girl with the purple hair or Monk’s Corner, South Carolina’s reigning hot dog eating champion. I also share a vagina with the Mayor of Ponce. Sometimes.

Anywho. I was given some great direction for this piece, “Write LIT’RALLY anything,” Trey Humphreys (Who?). Why am I REALLY doing this? For a ticket and Fur Bus transport to Burning Man. Plus I YOLOed myself and said fuggit. I’m also on alcohol.

It’s now day five of requests from Tomx3 Humphreys for an award-winning article. I haven’t experienced this much pressure since the last time Plan B became Plan A. It’s Tuesday and, for fear of losing my chance at the big time, I beg my crippled boyfriend to take me to see the new Terminator. He declines due to a near-fatal bee sting. I offer crushed tobacco and crutches to no avail. I thought this critically-acclaimed film would inspire me to finish my piece on Arnold Schwarzenegger and hot dogs. Guess I’ll just have to wing it based off this 600+ page autobiography someone sent me.

Arnold-Schwarznegger

If I could eat a hot dog while Arnold bench pressed me, I’d probably just barf. Game on. Arnold is the first person I’d invite to my round table (other guests include Guy Fieri, Chris Christie and DMX). I speak of a man who’s been crowned Mr. Universe 34 times and won 27 Academy Awards for his roles in films like Kindergarten Cop, Junior and Twins. He also starred in a few action films, but who even saw those?

Here are some fun facts about Arnold:

  1. His first job was as an ice cream man, at age 9. He learned, for a few shillings a day, he could maximize his ROI in a few short hours by selling to lake-goers in the hot Austrian summers. I’ve been to a lake in Austria. In August. It was freezing.
  2. He and his brother were forced to do sit ups every morning to earn their breakfast. To this day, I will not forgive my father for not making me do physical exercise to earn my Pedialytes. That’s why I have no will power. Thanks, DAD.
  3. Pumping Iron is the best documentary. Period. Arnold and Lou (Ferrigno) are lubed up pumping iron for exactly 85 minutes. They don’t have dad bods.
  4. The Jersey Shore’s “Situation” did not coin G/T/L. I have met said “Situation,” however. Long story. Don’t ask. Or do. We was up in da club when…
  5. Arnold’s been quoted saying he’d do everything over with or without the money. Muscles. Movies. Maria Shriver.
  6. Since he did get paid, he owns a 134 million dollar plane. The side reads, “S my D, Creflo Dollar.” Thank you, Color Spot for wrapping that bad boy.
  7. Confession: I still have to Google the spelling of SCHWARZENEGGER. Every time.
  8. He once convinced George Clooney he was drinking him under the table by way of peach schnapps shots. A true gentleman’s shot. Turns out, he paid off the bartender to give him water instead. Clooney, shit faced. Arnold, STILL laughing. Bartender, RICH AF.
  9. He became a Governor and fathered a love child (not mine).

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Now you know a bit more about Arnie. I haven’t given up my dream of one day acquiring an Arnold-inspired tattoo. Part of me is against dedicating my body to another person. What are all the Bill Cosby tats being turned into? Skrillex.

What was the other topic I was supposed to write about? Oh yeah. HOT DOGS. I love them. Preferably from carts or ball parks. None of that snappy shit.

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Thank you for making it to the end of this masterpiece. Please email complaints to trey@thebachelorette.com.

CC Cashing Out.

Real Life Hangover Cures

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By Trey Humphreys

Let’s focus for a minute. If there is one thing I hate in this glorious world of ours, it’s a handicap inducing hangover. If you don’t drink or can drink in moderation like a real show off, then stop reading this and focus on your ROTH IRA. For the rest of you that like to party, keep reading….

I asked jeeves how to cure a hangover and found a smattering of terrible blogs with advice like “don’t drink ” and “drink a glass of water after every drink”. You bet. Let me whip up a spreadsheet to carry along for the evening and track the drink to water ratio while I crush a full liter of Fireball and 30 gallons of Bud Light, bottle.  Folks, I have drank Applebee’s out of white zin 4 times in my life. LITERALLY.

After the internet failed me (just like Tinder) I decided to do some real R&D. I asked my drunk friends what they do to cure a hangover. They sent me some horrible jokes and some interesting answers oddly enough….

10. Danny Maldonado (DJ Danny M) – Danny is a DJ and therefore is up in the club 14 nights a week. If you don’t know, EVERYONE wants to do shots with the DJ. EVERYONE is french for every annoying 23-year-old girl in the club who, god willing, must get into the DJ booth, request the worst song on the radio and spill her drink on anything electronic. Anyway, here is his go-to hangover cure:

Morning shag then Mexican pozole (green or red) then back to sleep. Next, ask what happened the night before and perform apology text messages. Cry alone until alcohol leaves system via tear ducts and finish with Mexican for dinner”

I have no idea what Pozole is but assume it’s similar to Peyote and motor oil. Also, can you substitute masturbation for shagging? Asking for a friend.

9. Ashley Hesseltine – Pro blogger, pro girlfriend (not mine you creeps) and pro vodka hoarder. When I asked for her hangover remedy she sent me her blog, of course. After reading that book I condensed it down to this:

“Drink 16 ounces of water with lemon, cup of coffee with coconut oil to kick start the system or force bowel movement, eat a banana, get in the ocean (or cool/cold water)”

Side Note: She once took me to New York City for a Vodka event where we made Cinnabon flavored whipped Vodka and orange Juice. Arguably the worst liquid I have ever consumed in all my 27 years on this earth.

For further details on her cure, read the full blog here: The 6-Step Program for Curing a Hangover

8. Tasha Mize – Bartender at 5 Paces Inn for the past 300 years. True redneck from the hills of Tennessee where moonshine goes down like moonshine. Her cure:

“BC Powder and Lemon Lime Gatorade or two jager bombs”.

Finally, a real answer of value sans jager bombs which taste like syrup and burnt cat hair.

7. Beau Rasnik – Another long term bartender from the flanks of Tin Lizzy’s and Kramer’s. This nerd is a runner and says the following:

“Take 2 electrolyte pills before bed”

Apparently you can buy said pills at a “running store”. Who TF goes to a “running store”. Dweebs. And runners I guess.

6. Isaac Stout – Tequila.

The Real World is a place where people “stop being polite, and start getting real”. Loser.

4. Derik Purdy – Derik owns 5 bars in Alabama (INNISFREE) and some claim he made the Florabama Mullet Toss the party it is today. I have never met a human being that can party as hard and as long as this fella.  Here is his go-to:

“The ocean, an adderall, steam room and pedialitye”

That sh*t actually sounds like it would work. It also sounds like the diet of an 8 year old kid at beach camp.

3. Dr. Bill Stephens – Bill is a son of New Orleans, completely nuts and somehow a real Doctor in Miami. He also got completely naked at the Lady Gaga concert at the Fox Theatre. He has two methods:

1) “Before leaving bar, ask for 1/2 cup of pickle juice. Drink the pickle juice with a shot of your choice. Drink a gatorade on way home”

2) “If you have a physician friend, get a banana bag which is an IV that includes: 1 liter normal saline/30 mg iv Toradol/4 mg Zofran/1000 mcg IV b12”

Is Lady Gaga still alive?

2. Jacob Blazer –  Jake plays in a band (Jacob and the Good People) and is sponsored by Jagermeister and liver failure. Forced to play and booze in all the haunts across the East Coast every week, he swears by the following:

“Goody’s powder pack, deuce deuce of beer and a pickle in a bag”  

Apparently you can get “A Pickle in a Bag” at the shittiest gas stations across the Southeast. Add boiled peanuts from the can and clove cigarettes and I’m in.

1. Jamie Shirah – Jamie owns The Ivy and also the greatest company ever invented in the history of mankind and womankind, Vida-flo: The Hydration Station. This is a place you can go to get a IV bag of goodies for around $40-$50 bucks instead of buying shitty health insurance in order to fake alcohol poisoning at Grady Hospital. The number 1 hangover cure sold up in that joint is:

The Blue Lagoon – $49.99 – Fluids, Vitamin C, B12, B-complex, Toradol (headache), Zofran (nausea) and oxygen”

You could win an iron man after that bag of fun. Plus you get to relax in a recliner the whole time while reevaluating your entire life. I’ll take 6 bags and a self help audio tape.

There you go wastoids. And yes I skipped over #5. If you have a better method, let me know Trey@asocialmess.com or @asocialmess on Instagram. I don’t do Snapchat because I am fairly stupid.

Tom

10 Reasons I would lose the Bachelorette TV Show

By Trey Humphreys

I watch the Bachelorette TV show on ABC. Am I proud of it? I am. It’s wonderful.  Like Justin Bieber in a bath tub. That wonderful.

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If you have no life like me and TV is your soulmate, you know we are in the middle of The Bachelorette,  Season 12,000. If you do better things with your life than check Tinder every 6 minutes and watch TV, let me catch you up….

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Ol’ girl, Kaitlyn, has 25 of the most unfunny dudes in America vowing for her love. She has already banged Justin Timberlake (see below) on episode 3 and told the emotional fitness trainer (see below, again) he won on episode 1 off camera.

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Chris, the dentist with a huge fake cupcake candy corn machine, almost damn near jumped off a cliff  in Ireland when she told him he lost.  Then wailed into his hands like I did at my dad’s funeral. That sucked.

 cupcake-chris-dumped-by-kaitlyn-on-the-bachelorette-2015    chry

 The black guy got kicked off, but proclaimed he is the next bachelor even though he has a two bald spots and was terrible.

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There are a few other dudes left gaining twitter followers and hoping for victory plus me on my couch, eating a Bubba Burger that I cooked on a shitty George Foreman Grill garnished with mustard and a solo cup of expired milk.  Monday is my new Saturday.

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Now, every once in a while somebody (my mom and married friends) suggest I  try out for the show. I tell them they should try out for the Olympics.

On a side note: ABC, FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE, PLEASE CREATE “THE GAY BACHELOR” BEFORE THE SOUTHERN BAPTISTS REVERSE THE MARRIAGE DEAL (AND PUT THAT DUMB FLAG BACK UP). Can you imagine 25 gay dudes and 85 tons of luggage in a LA mansion with tasteless tapestries all forced to sleep in bunk beds? PURE. TV. GOLD. Hehe. LOLz. sigh…

I bet Chris Harrison is straight.

Onward…

There are a litany of reasons I should not be on the show. A real litany. You know what a litany is? I don’t.  The Litany Lions probably know. I am stupid. Bubba Burger with mustard.

Here are the top 10 reasons I would lose on this show:

10) I’m too f*cking old. I’m as old as the bachelorette’s father. Home visits would be a real joy. Me and the dad could talk about prostate glands and WTF I am doing in his house.

9) I would take a cat with me. If that was not allowed because the producers are assholes, I would take a parakeet. The Parakeet Guy. I guarantee I would make it at least 4 weeks as The Parakeet Guy. Maybe 3 weeks.

8) I would always stare directly into the camera and fist bump everybody.

7) I would only drink frozen mudslides and eat peanut butter straight from the jar on dates.

6) I would always wear the same exact outfit as Chris Harrison. Period. Unless I was at the pool where it would be multi color umbros and a Hobie dry fit body surfing shirt.

5) No Netflix.

4) When the other guys workout, I would crush Adderall and clean the house, yard, driveway, roof, pool, garden, garage, neighbors house and the rest of LA while listening to 90’s techno and chewing a truckload of Stride gum.

3) My dates would only be at buffets.

2) Ok so there aren’t exactly 10 reasons, but I am sure you are sick of reading this terrible article and I am in love with the USA Women’s Soccer Team Goalie who I proclaim as the next Bachelorette.

Trey

(Have you ever heard of Instagram? @furbustrey)

It took me 18 tries to figure out how to spell bachelorette.

What Song Do Atlanta DJ’s Play at Every Gig?

Are you a DJ? Do you like DJ’s? If you are a drunk girl in Buckhead, probably not. I was an average local DJ for several years and if there is one thing I learned, girls are assholes. Try pleasing any 23 year old female all hopped up on vodka soda w/ a splash of cran and you will want to saw off your own head. I have been flicked off by pretty much every female to ever witness me DJing. Am I supposed to know Kesha is spelled Ke$ha? Once girl also bit me on the back. I swear to God.

Sorry, that’s not the point. The point is there are certain “go-to” songs that DJ’s play at almost every gig. Most DJ’s have a favorite song and mine is not Call Me Maybe. Well maybe.

I reached out to my buddies who are DJ’s here in Atlanta and asked them if there is one song they play at most gigs. Here are the results and a bamboozle of a playlist. I am sure you will probably flick me off after reading.

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DJ DANNY M (@djdannym) – This hair pie has been playing all over Atlanta and beyond for the past half dozen decades. He plays clubs, bars, corporate gigs and frozen yogurt grand openings.  His “safe go-to song” is Yeah by Usher (and Lil Jon, the guy that made more money than my entire ancestry by screaming “What”). He also mentioned that anything Outkast kills in Atlanta. Who says “kills in Atlanta”? I’m a douche.

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DJ MONEYSHOT (@djmoneyshot) – This goon was born and raised in Atlanta, drove me to school in high school and once had a 12 ft cactus fall directly on his head in Mexico. He has played clubs, dive bars, weddings and the mall.  He is SEMI- RETIRED. That means if some hard up will pay him 3k for a wedding, he will do it. His current favorite go-to song is You Know You Like It – DJ Snake.  I love snakes and had over 30 in college. I also need therapy.

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DJ MADFLIP (@djscottmadflip) – Madflip has DJ’ed all over the Southeast and started with classic house music of the 80’s/90’s. That is not simply music you play in your house. Ask Jeeves. The one song he plays at most every gig is Skew It On The Bar-B by Outkast. He usually plays the remix version (REMIX).  He also used to play shirtless at The Pool Hall and had nipple jewelry.

Danza Kuduro – Don Omar, Hypnotize – Notorious BIG, Reload – Sebastian Ingrosso and Pursuit of Happiness Remix – Steve Aoki. I would assume his number five would be Hold On – Wilson Phillips.

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DJ DK – This up and comer in the Atlanta scene is young and looks a lot like DJ MADFLIP and nothing like DJ DANNY M. His go-to song is PYT by Michael Jackson. If you have never heard of Michael Jackson, he was a famous pop star in the 80’s and 90’s. Early on he was the leader of a black boy band and also teamed up with his sister for a few songs that were horrible. I believe he died in an oxygen chamber full of chimpanzees.

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DJ AIRWOLF  – This musical genius(ish) who is scared of marijuana stated that Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough (gigamesh remix) was his go to song for every gig. The key, he claims, is the song is 8.5 minutes long which allows him to smoke, go to the bathroom and get a drink. Your drinking has effected me in the following ways….

Nikky

DJ COUNTERSTRIKE – I am pretty sure he lives in Alaska now building computer keyboards or running local news stations. Who the f*ck knows. He never responded to my text so I am going to say his go-to song is the entire Creed album My Own Prison. I dated Nikky in 2006.

Finally, I will gift you with my go-to song. Every gig I ever did included Who Am I (What’s My Name) – Snoop Dogg and Show Me Love – Robin S. I love those songs. Sure, I’m older than Casey Kasem and can’t name any current trap songs but I ….whatever.

Here is another interesting note – every one of these folks mentioned Michael Jackson as a go-to for any event. There was never a gig I didn’t play MJ. He was, and always will be, the greatest.

DJ CANNONBALL (ps…I hated DJing)

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Adult Spring Break Top 10 Do’s & Don’ts

By John John Delladonna

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The Guinness Book of World Records holder for most consecutive Adult Spring Breaks (ASB) in Destin, Florida is John John Delladonna. With a liver of steel, John John is coming up on his 20+ year in a row.  Here are your do’s and don’ts straight from the dolphin lovers mouth…

1- NEVER LEAVE TAB OPEN AT TIKI BAR ON BEACH – It is the only Tiki Bar on the beach in front of the elephant walk. My tab 3 years ago was $1755. That is Vegas kind of money THAT I DON’T HAVE. I don’t own Kramer’s.

Tiki Bar

2- DON’T PASS OUT ON THE BEACH – Hint: stay away from the octane drinks served on the beach or black out before 11 am.  If you do pass out on the beach, note that the following will occur:
Let’s say you’re passed out on the beach in your own chair minding your own business. Some liberal girl sees you and FREAKS OUT. Now the police are involved. Well, the police call an ambulance.  The damn ambulance drives on the beach with sirens blaring. Now, the entire beach (filled with 50,000 drunktards) from all over the southeast watch you get hauled off the beach to the hospital. Instagram NIGHTMARE.
 
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3- DON’T DO DRUGS ON THE BEACH – It is hot as nuts and your body will shut down. Then your friends will try to haul your ass off the beach but you will slide out of their hands and break your nose due to two gallons of Hawaiian Tropic SPF -2 you coated yourself with to show off your newly shaved chest (girls). Next, you sh*t your pants, twice, and drive home the next day. That may, or may not have happened.

 

4- STAY IN BAYTOWN WARF AND NOT NEAR THE BEACH – After 30-70 shots (starting at 8 am) you want to make it as easy as possible to stumble home from the bars at night. The only terrible bars within 20 miles of ASB are at Baytown Warf (note: all of Buckhead crammed in two bars that sell shrimp). The trolleys are a crap shoot and you need a card, that you will lose. Then you sleep in the bushes behind Rum Runners with no pants.

 

5- HANGOVER ADVICE – to postpone your hangover till you leave and keep partying like you are 19 again, take these steps in this order:
A- keep a chilled bottle of Patron in the freezer and take a shot as soon as you wake up everyday. Add lime for nutrition.
B- Take a shower with someone of the opposite sex or an inflatable.
C- Take another shot of patron. No lime, too much sugar.
D- Eat 10 pounds of scrambled eggs which will be your last meal of the day.
E- Take another shot before you walk out that door headed towards the beach.
F- Say a short silent prayer to the Dolphin Gods.
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6- WRITE ADDRESS ON HAND –  with sharpie. It helps the cops.

 

7- CRAB ISLAND SUCKS – you ride in a sh*tty, bumpy boat for however long it takes to get there. The water is ankle deep. More than likely you can’t get food. You have at least one person in your boat crew that is irritating the f*ck out of you and you can’t get way from them.
REMEMBER you are stuck there all day and if you have to, well, use the restroom, you are screwed.
RESEARCH the water color of crab island too or you may come back with a skin disease, STD or both.

 

8- TAKE AS LITTLE AMOUNT OF THINGS NECESSARY TO THE BEACH AS POSSIBLE. You will lose everything. All you need is booze and rubbers. And one of those gigantic big gulp cups.  And your phone to upload Instagram pics of your friends getting hauled off the beach by the paramedics.

 

INs and OUTs at ASB LIST-
SILICONE– IN! GLUTEAL AUGMENTATION (FAKE JUNK IN THE TRUNK) IN! STEROIDS– IN! TRAMP STAMPS– IN! SKIN CANCER– IN! MOLLY– IN! BIG C– IN! ADDERALL– IN!
BLACKED THE F*CK OUT THE ENTIRE TIME– IN! NEON THONGS– IN!
FLABBY ASSES– OUT! HAIRY BACKS– OUT! SPF 50– OUT! PASSING OUT AND SH*TING YOURSELF ON THE BEACH– OUT! MILLER LITE– OUT! GLUTEN FREE FOOD– OUT! FOOD IN GENERAL– OUT! WIFEBEATERS– OUT! JEANS AND HOODIE ON THE BEACH– OUT!
JJ hats dolphin

Top 5 Memorial Day Weekend Parties

By Laura Diem

First and foremost, congrats to everyone who survived The Shaky Knees Festival. Looked kind of like 420 Fest, but no one was barefoot wrapped in plastic, covered in mud and peeing their pants at main stage. Good times. If you are in need of another festival and partial to the word “Shaky”, YOU ARE IN LUCK. There is one running this weekend that also includes another unstable body part in the name like shaky arms or thighs. I think that’s right. Ask Ally.

Enough about this weekend though, we are now in the home stretch to Memorial Day. Good luck to the majority of my internet friends who will be making the trek down to Adult Spring Break (god bless Double John Delladonna and his 24th consecutive showing). I actually got a FB invite, but I think it was a mistake and did cry-eating exercises for roughly 11 days after. I’m exhausted.

For the rest of you, like myself, who are not going to ASB because you spent 6 days a week eating XL nacho plates instead of going to the gym and blew all your savings on Coors Light – this list of what else to do Memorial Weekend might possibly be of some help. And by help I mean a complete and absolute waste of your time. Read on?

1.Brew at the Zoo – Ok, well this sounds right up my alley. Browning out with all your favorite animals. It’s kind of like being in Buckhead but you can’t touch the bartenders. I’m unsure if the animals are drinking too, but this is America and its 2015 so here’s to hoping.

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2.CounterPoint Music and Arts Festival – Since there are 134 days until TomorrowWorld, try filling the void at CounterPoint in Kingston Downs. I’m actually a huge fan of CP mostly because the lineup is stacked with smoking hot DJs (Zedd, Dillon Francis, Kygo, etc) and no one is of legal age to drink alcohol so all the bar lines are wicked short. Smoke plants, paint your body and do dancy things.

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3. Take a Road Trip – I know, how very cliché of me. But try it without leaving the Perimeter. What? Load your car up with the essentials like dehydrated space food and enhanced water (vodka), get on 285 around 4:00pm Friday afternoon and let the breathtaking 64 mile adventure begin. This will likely take you 2-3 days to come full circle. Enjoy.

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4. Lake Lanier – Make friends with someone rich who owns a boat. Get on said boat and do boat things and stuff like anchoring and docking and driving it in circles. Do they still have that sandbar thing? Cocktail Cove? Go do that. It will be like you’re at Crab Island, even though you are too poor to afford the $100 in gas to get to Florida. Yolo.

Cocktail cove

5.  Emerald City – Take a right on your way to Destin and you will end up in Pensacola for Emerald City. One big gay beach bash. That, my friends, is a party! John John said neon thongs are in so I think this is actually where he might be spending his weekend. Memorial Weekend Pensacola

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Cute Boy Movie Club: 50 Shades of Rampage

By The Mayor of Ponce

BOOM. What up fellow film aficionados? Mayor here. Praise our savior Tom Xenu Cruise! After getting his E-Meter reading and Audits, Shaman Tom is back in the States! Things are getting back to normal here at ASMHQ (which is actually an old Hardee’s in Tucker). Normal as in Tom posting about 6 year old Intervention episodes, and me trying to convince him to use the ASM checkbook while Jen’s in a magic WigWam Snuggie to buy an old Chrysler Le Baron convertible, paint it like General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard, and calling it “General Lee Baron”. I hope Jennifer’s not reading this.

The point is IS, you’re still stuck with me. Now here’s a movie review… of going to a movie with John John Delladonna. We went and saw the 50 Shades of Gray at Cinebistro. Enjoy.

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CUTE BOY MOVIE CLUB: 50 Shades of Rampage

It’s a film about torture. Looking at your watch approximately 8 minutes into the over 2 hour movie, you understand why.

It’s a sleepy school night and I scoop our sweet, innocent, little Buckhead nugget Double John Rampage Dolphin Two Tears Delladonna up and head straight for Brookhaven proper. In his traditional tattered khakis, Braves hat, and size 7 Asics, it’s a couple cute boys in the swanky Cinesbistro on a Tuesday. After a couple odd looks from the ticket gal, our bartender ask what film we’re seeing.

“50 Shades”, we say.

“No, seriously”, He asks.

He then goes on to tell us when it premiered on Valentine’s Day, it was the longest day of his life. Hundreds of wine drunk, feral, North American Buckhead Cougars running loose in the theater. I picture the movie scene from Gremlins. Buckhead Betty’s popping up in the popcorn machine, make-up all smeared. Grinding on a Tom Skerrit cardboard cutout- White Zin in hand.

He says it doubled the most profitable day in the history of Cinebistro. I’m sure some perv would’ve loved to smell those theater seats after the last show (Joel Darby).

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Rampage and I knock back our Patron shots and head in to get dominated by some cinematic mastery. 84 seats… all empty. But we did walk in while some Dolphin IMAX preview was playing. Like a cobra being charmed, Double John was mesmerized. Goofy eyed and grinning, “This is the shit, right here. I’m coming back for that”, he declares.

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84 seats, two now occupied, sans gentlemen’s buffer seat, and our 5th different black tied host has come to check on us. Pretty confident we’re making their slow weeknight somewhat memorable. Not sure why, though. What’s wrong with a couple cool bro’s breaking some bread and having some shots while a 3 month old shitty movie about S&M plays on a massive 50 foot IMAX screen?

jj in theater

The lights soften, the previews roll, and stumble in two skank angels with the Ginuwine song “Pony” blasting on the screen- Praise you, God of Wine. “Do these seats not recline?”, they ask.

Let ol’ maymay blast this softball to the fuckin’ moon…

I offer to make them a pallet on the floor. Awkward silence. So the only logical question I could pose now is, “This is Paul Blart 2, right?”

Basically, Cupid set up a tee, placed these wine drunk angels in our lap, and I pretty much fling the bat into the woods. Great.

John John is unfazed by my bullshit. He really does love going to the movies. The film starts, and *SPOILER ALERT* for this 3 month old movie, It fucking sucks!

It’s more dramatic than a Mexican soap opera. But with the cheese of a special episode Saved by the Bell where Screech gets his 1st pube or something.

Our antagonist Christian Gray is some kind of telecommunications wunderkind billionaire. Except with, ya know, his own Inserrection Dungeon on Cheshire Bridge Road. When John John see’s this, he gets all excited, “He’s a professional, man. That motherf*cker can go!”

Christian is like a Bruce Wayne type, except with douchey European cars that you would see outside of Havana Club instead of a Batmobile. And a wall of Wayne Industries vibrators. And says really un-super hero type stuff like, “Laters, babe”. And “Do you trust me?” Hell no, dude! You’ve got more sex toys than a hundred limp Larry Flynts.

Bruce Lame saves our damsel from a hangover, then chastises her in a smug tone about drinking. This infuriates Rampage. “He’s a p*ssy… He can’t drink worth shit!”

Now sexy Screech is really putting the moves on ol’ girl Daisy, or Petunia, or whatever her ridiculous symbolic name is, and *SPOILER ALERT*, SHES A VIRGIIIIIIINNNNN! “I don’t make love”, he says, “I f*ck. Hard”.

I keep waiting for Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC to walk in, “Hi, I’m Chris Hanson… any reason why you got your dong in one hand, and a Happy Meal and wine coolers in the other?”

John John gives play by play of this scintillating scene, “Oh, he’s about to rip her up!”

Christian leaves our girl after snatching her ‘tunia. “I forgot”, Rampage realizes, “He f*cks hard… then leaves and goes downstairs”.

Yep. Downstairs to play a grand piano in an empty room only lit by a sexy city skyline. And here comes Tooty! “Oh… she’s addicted!” Double John diagnoses. Pen*s pun lost on no one, I hope.

We’re an hour into this non-sense and it’s more of the same. The only torture believable would be having to sit thru the next hour. Everything is so intense. All these contracts and Safe Words with a basic chick- Why can’t dude just go to an Appleebee’s, watch some MMA with a cold Brewtus, and just chill.

And when does homeboy work? Cingular Wireless must be giving him a shit ton of personal days. Basically, he’s just some rich kid with Asperger’s, most likely. And only sexy because he’s filthy rich. If he was making payments on a ’09 Toyota Corolla, I’m wondering how many of you girls are lining up for his Six Flags Sex Dungeon ride.

John John and I dip out on the rest of this sexcapade of thespian virtuosity. We’d much rather Hulu an episode of Saved by the Belt: Mr. Belding Gets a Venereal Disease.

Laters, babes. I’ll wait for the book.

mayor of ponce, maymay

P.S. My Safe Word is “Blueberry Muffins”.

P.P.S. John John’s is “Paul Blart 2”

 

 

 

The 7 Survival Tips for Festival Season

  By Chris Marler and Josh Gentrup

Spring/summer is here and what better time to get out of your comfort zone and experience culture and fellowship at the various festivals around your city? Whether it’s Bonnaroo or a boy scout bake sale, here are some guidelines to follow so you don’t look like a noob asshole at an outdoor jamboree near you.

  1. Blow your cash on shitty art and crafts. Overpaying $60 of your hard-earned paycheck is definitely going to save the life of this struggling lesbian who’s calling herself an “artist” because she doesn’t want to get a 9-5. So what if she’s only gonna blow the money on drugs or auto insurance for her Subaru Outback? You’ll sleep better at night knowing you made a difference.
  1. Wear a fedora. Why? Because swag never sleeps. Plus, there’s gonna be an insane amount of pussy (can I say that?) at any festival this summer. I mean, if there’s anything I know about women, it’s that they love two things – frozen yogurt and dudes rockin’ the shit out of a fedora. If you walk up to a girl looking like Jason Mraz in cargo shorts, cankles on display, it’s game over son. The veteran move is to match that shit with a nice pair of Teva sandals and socks. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gets a girl in the mood like flaunting around that “I don’t give a fuck, I got REI/ Eddie Bauer/ LL Bean money.”

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  1. Pop a kid’s balloon. I know it seems incredibly fucked up, but that’s only because…well, it is. But let’s be honest–most kids at festivals are assholes whose parents are even bigger assholes. Just for fun, pop one balloon and then sit back and watch a 4-year-old have a meltdown because he lost his doggy balloon animal and no amount of Dippin Dots his parents buy will stop these fireworks.
  1.  Eat a giant turkey leg. Just like wearing sweatpants or picking your nose, this is a totally acceptable behavior in public. Not only is it a great source of protein, but it also looks totally badass. You look like a time traveling savage from Medieval Times destined to be an Internet meme. What more could you ask for honestly? Pro tip: Try to make as much eye contact as possible with strangers during each bite.

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  1. Haggle with everyone. And I mean EVERY opportunity that’s available, which includes food and beverage tents as well as artists throughout the festival. Do these minimum wage workers  and professional daydreamers think you were born yesterday? No. Just because you put on your Sunday best and have a hundy in that waterproof fanny pack doesn’t mean you’re going to be taken advantage of. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself, for the love of God. $4 for a coke?! Coke used to be a quarter of the price. $8 for a hot dog?! Hot dogs literally used to cost a quarter. $75 for a mailbox made of old license plates?! In this economy?! Get over yourself SCAD grad. Treat this entire goddam weekend festival like it’s an episode of Pawn Stars because  there’s no such thing as a free (fried) lunch (on a stick).
  1. Be a prisoner of the moment and commit yourself to buying an obscure musical instrument. There is nothing more impressive to the opposite sex, your neighbors, your roommates, your boss, etc., than you coming home from a festival with an ambitious commitment to playing the ukulele. That onslaught of non-rhythmic sound may not win you Best Original Score at The Oscars, but it will undoubtedly win over the love and admiration of anyone watching you try and master this beast. Also, the best time to capture an audience with your newfound skill set is at a very large social gathering such as: Bonfires, house parties, AA meetings, or Starbucks where people can truly appreciate how uniquely talented you.
  1.  Shit in the porta potty. ESPECIALLY if you’re at the festival to meet women. Nothing says “I have unbridled confidence in myself” like taking a number 2 in a vertical plastic coffin while strangers wait in line outside. Sure, most people have the self-awareness and dignity to find a restroom with actual walls and running water after a long day of funnel cakes and face painting, but that’s what sets you apart. There’s something to be said for a guy who drops a deuce into that deep blue abyss and then strolls out valiantly without having a way to wash his hands. Do you boo. Do you.

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Happy festival season, lovers and losers.
Stalk Chris on Facebook. Check out Josh’s blog EightyFiveSouth.