Diem’s Top Ten Scariest Things on EARTH

by Laura Diem

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Bored? Figures. Read on.

In light of the Halloween season, I wanted to share some things that frighten me. Real life things. Reasonable things that haunt my dreams. Sound exciting? It’s not. Below are my top ten scariest things on earth. I apologize in advance for wasting your time.

10. Drawn on Eyebrows: WHY. I mean I want to stop looking, but I literally can’t look away. What if it rains? Do you sweat? What emotion is that? Just kill me now.

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9. McDonald’s Serving Breakfast All Day: The moment I think I have a real handle on life, Ronald goes and does a thing like this. Heart disease by the age of 35? Sure! Arteries? Who needs ’em.

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8. Holding Babies: Yes, OF COURSE your baby is cute. Cutest baby I have ever seen. For reals. But do I really want to fumble around with your newborn? I can’t even. Babies heads weigh roughly 48lbs and apparently are NOT connected to their bodies. My arms go numb in seconds. How do I give it back? Help.

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7. Separate Checks: Hey there. Could you put 1/8 of our cheese dip on this card please? No, I can’t afford the full $5.99 charge on my tab. Is tip included? I don’t know whose beer that is. My ride is here, gotta go. Bye.

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 6. Sara Davis: Not much explanation needed. She is the most terrifying person on earth. She also has a dog named Toby that no one has ever seen. Do yourself a favor and never be around when she is annoyed, hungry, sad, hungover, happy, breathing… Sara has sold 1 ticket to our Halloween Party.

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5. Leaving a Voicemail: BEEP. Hi Janet, it’s Laura. How are you? (awkward silence) Anyways… *Click*

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4. My Driving: If you have ever been in my car you will know that I end each day with roughly 3-5 “close calls”. I also use my GPS for any trip lasting longer than 1 mile and I don’t know how to use my horn. Buckle up because I will make you wish you got an uber.

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3. 10% or Less Phone Battery: This is the way the world ends. Literally. I’m not above straight-up leaving you alone in a restaurant if my sh*t goes in the red. What do you want me to do? Have a conversation with you? That’s funny.

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2. Checking My Bank Account: What? 36 pending charges from Saturday? Who takes 8 Uber rides in three hours? What costs $180 at Pool Hall? Anyone hiring?

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1. Getting Trapped in a Group Text: Guys. A round of applause for the update that lets you leave group chats. God Bless America. Let’s also have a moment of silence for that one friend who does not own an iPhone (wtf?) and is keeping you from leaving said group chat. You are the absolute WORST. Never texting you again. Ever.

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 Thanks for pretending to listen.

xo – Diem

Halloween Costume Forecast

by Jennifer

It’s October again. I have not gotten pregnant yet, so I can’t wear the Wrecking Ball costume and we did a $h!tty job of pulling off the Lawrence Welk “Small Hands” getup last year SO … back to the drawing board. I thought I’d share a few finds from my Pinterest Board to light a fire under your ass (LITERALLY). Steal these ideas because we don’t want boring costumes at our party (or anywhere). Murder Kroger, Donald Trump, Baton Bob, Big Chicken, Ponce City Market, Atlantic Station, Dollywood, Cracker Barrel…WHAT WILL YOU BE?! Try these. Or be a laser cat.

Barbie Ken Best Couples Costume

Over-achiever? if so whip this job up and make sure it has a cup holder inside so you can focus on booze.

Bob Ross

Mad at your boyfriend? Make him the painting and get ready to scrub off mustache glue for the rest of your life.

Jenner Caitlyn Costume

Bruce Jenner / Caitlyn? Add camel toe, gold metals and weird fake tattoo that nobody knows about and you are set. Have a friend be your son-in-law, Kayne West.

Miley Cyrus VMA Costume

Any one of the thousand or so Miley VMA costumes will do. Guys and girls can pull this off. (P.S. Is Miley pulling a Rachel Dolezal with that hair? I’m still confused.)

Gods Gift to Men Halloween Costume

Do you love selfies? Do you think you are real pretty? Well, if so be this and add one of those giant beer holding hulk hands for good measure. No idea why.

Orange Is The New Black

“Orange is the New Black” – good group costume especially if your friends are real convicts. Make sure to sneak in cigarettes and contraband to the party.

Golden Girls Group Costume

Golden Girls (or just old ladies) – great group costume and pretty amusing if you can dance like a boss. There is nothing better than old ladies dancing.

american gladiator couples costume

American Gladiators will forever be cool. Make sure your prop is lightweight so you can hold a Bud Light in one hand (and crush your friends every 14 minutes).

Punny couples costumes are fun (when you can put 2+2 together). Can you guess what this one is? Hawaiian Punch.

Punny couples costumes are fun (when you are sober enough to get it). Hawaiian Punch. We had no idea either.

cancer-costume

Mr. Clean! Why didn’t I think of this when I was bald? Bull$h!t.

Emoji Dancers

Kate Thacker and Tucker Berta … or any of the other 8 billion emojis my husband uses 12,000 times a day. ❤️💁

Deer in Headlights Best Couples Halloween Costumes

Deer in Headlights: Cute and Comfortable. Plus you can add red nose for Rudolph in a few months.

Do not.

Do not. Not even kidding. Seems like a good idea. Do not. You are welcome.

Roller Coaster Group

Seriously you guys, when is the next parade in Atlanta? Done.

Paper Rock Scissors

Good idea for a party of Three: Paper Rock Scissors. However, nothing sexy about the rock. Just saying….

Never Ending Story Halloween Costume

CALL MY NAME! Add a dumb cat t-shirt and you are good.

Joel Goodson Risky Business Best Halloween Costume 2015

Cute, easy, great reference, gets my vote.

Juno Couples Halloween Costume

For the ultimate hipster couple.

Jim Carrey

Ace Ventura was the greatest movie ever made and I just wanted you to know that…carry on.

Highlights Photo 80s Halloween Costume

Please make your backdrop wide enough for your friends to take selfies (and add headgear).

California Raisin Halloween Costume

Holy amazing California Raisin. Crack me up!

Grumpy Cat Halloween Costume

Easy & kind of normal/can still get chicks.

P.S. Note to Pun Costumers: Make sure your friends can figure out why you are dribbling around in a basketball uniform with a doughnut around your waist. Just sayin.

Ok. I think there is a slight/large chance that there are a few folks reading who have done 1 to 3 of the following things:

  • Came to our first Halloween BOOnanza Party.
  • Have since had a baby.
  • Still read this fugging blog.

Babies can’t come to our party (they can’t even talk). However. I would like to take this opportunity to encourage you to amuse your friends before said child gets sucked in by the fairy princesses. Here are some ideas:

Set high goals by making your kid an Abercrombie bag model.

Promote self-esteem by making your kid an Abercrombie bag model.

Add an overly loud boombox and your child can be Red Pepper Taqueria.

Add a loud boombox playing club music and WHAM: your baby is Red Pepper Taqueria.

Make Halloween educational by teaching your baby how to walk.

Teach your baby to walk itself this Halloween.

Your baby can literally be Carlos for Halloween.

Get inspired by Carlos.

This baby needs to shave.

This baby needs a pack of cigarettes and bottle of booze.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters

Got a fat baby? Proud of it?

Mmmmkay enough comedian babies, back to Halloween as an adult (if that’s what we’re calling it). I will leave you with two scaries:

Ben Candice Scary Clown

If you want follow my bestie’s decision to go for SCARY AF, just buy one pair of white contacts to share.

Or the American Horror Story Nun, holy crap.

Stay TF away from me at the party if you are the American Horror Story Nun (and don’t make out with randoms).

And finally, I suspect there will be a few ballsy folks out there who will push the envelope like these two. They look familiar. We’re going to hell.

Cecil Dentist Halloween Costume Best 2015

Thanks for playing. Follow my Pinterest board for more ideas!

12 things you didn’t know about TomorrowWorld 2015

TomorrowWorld was this past weekend and even though a few of the anxiety ridden rave nerds complained about walking to their fancy buses through a little mud, it was one hell of a time. If you like dance music, this was your Mecca (Just kidding ISIS you crazy bastards…I would never compare the holy land to a dance party). If you don’t like dance music, this festival would be worse than swallowing a dead raccoon feet first while staring directly into 1000 lasers.

TomorrowWorld is a 4 day EDM music festival on a farm 25 miles outside of Atlanta. It attracts about 175k people and has 8 different stages spread over 500 acres. There were DJs on every stage from noon to 1 am each day and each played about an hour set. You do the math. That’s around 700,000 DJs and one gigantic basketball player. And me.

Now, here are 12 things you didn’t know about TomorrowWorld 2015 because I know your life isn’t complete until you know everything about TomorrowWorld:

12. It rained.

11. Two brothers from Belgium started the festival and guess what? Yep, their last name is Beer. Go figure. Beer. Wonder if they have a sister named Molly? Asking for a friend.

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10.  Approximately 50,000 camped inside the festival.  Approximately 41,000 never made it inside their tents. Approximately 38,000 wore animal pajamas and cookie monster hoodies.

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9.  The average age of the headlining DJs was 41.8 years old (Tiesto – 46, Paul Van Dyk – 43, Kaskade – 44, Ferry Corsten – 41, Bassnectar – 37, Armin Van Burrin – 38, etc).  I TOLD YOU I WASN’T  THE OLDEST DUDE THERE. Just the oldest guy not getting paid. Or laid. Or in VIP. Or close to VIP.

8.  The highest paid DJ at the festival was Armin Van Buurin who closed the MainStage Sunday night. He reportedly got $500k for his hour set. That is the same rate Uber was charging for a ride home to Atlanta Saturday night.

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7. Bassnectar’s girlfriend lives in Atlanta and is hot as balls.

6. The most expensive VIP experience was bought by Drew Carey for $80,000.  My truck cost $24,000 brand new. I bought it used.

5.  David Guetta was married for 20 years and now dates a 22 year old. He is 47 years old. If there are any guys reading this in middle school, learn how to DJ electronic music, grow your hair long and buy a shitty leather jacket.

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4.  Shaq, who DJed the Trap Stage on Friday Night as DJ Diesel, used to be a NBA basketball player apparently (unconfirmed).

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3. Out of over 300 DJs that played at TomorrowWorld 2015, DJ Diesel is the worst DJ name at the festival. DJ Diesel. Seriously?

2. The 3 best songs I heard played in any set this year were: I want to Dance with Somebody – Hardwell, Wonderwall – DJ Snake and Imagine – David Guetta.

1.  The dude that owns the farm is named Carl.  F*cking Carl. Is there a better name than Carl? Yes. Karl.

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There you have it folks. We will see you next year unless this multimillion dollar festival dies because 30 EDM punks said they are boycotting it on Instatwitter because they got mud on their shoes and had to walk to Uber.  If not, I will see you next year when I still will not be dating Bassnectar’s girlfriend or in VIP.

In the meantime, if you want to come to a party with about 173k fewer people than TomorrowWorld yet just as fun, check out our Halloween Party at the Buckhead Theatre on Oct. 31….Social Mess Halloween Party #6 Prices go up next Thursday!

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Powered by Xorbia TicketsStart Selling Tickets Today!

 

Trey Humphreys

https://www.facebook.com/treyhumphreys333

 

 

Halloween Party # 6 | Oct 31st | Buckhead Theatre

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Good God, here we go again. Our 6th Halloween party in a row bedding down here in Atlanta on October 31st, 2015 at the Buckhead Theatre. Last year we sold out. The year before, we sold out. This year, we sell out. We are going to cram 2000 of the most attractive booze-infused Atlantan socialites into the oldest theatre in Buckhead so hide your cats…

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RANDOM CHICKENS

This year we have multiple stages of mayhem including:

KARLS STAGE

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   DJ MADFLIP 

          DJ EU headlining the MainStage with support from DJ MADLIP playing open format, EDM, House, Hip Hop.

PUSSYCAT STAGE

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Girlz, Girlz, Girlz

The best 80’s rock cover band on the planet. This stage will be loud and obnoxious.

ITTY BITTY KITTY STAGE

Surprise acts and DJ duo’s playing funk, bass, new disco and house music on this intimate stage

If you like to party, well, we like to party. This is the most famous Halloween party in Atlanta and going to be loopy this year as Halloween FINALLY FALLS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. You should take a couple weeks off work after the event.

Our tickets start at $15 and will be $40 at the door if any are still available. Get yours while they are cheap or wait and spend more money.

HALLOWEEN PARTY #6 TICKETS

A Social Mess

Top 10 Things You DO NOT DO at TomorrowWorld 2015

I got one word for you: SHAQ IS NOW AN ELECTRONIC TRAP DJ AND WILL BE PLAYING AT TOMORROWORLD. Jesus Christ. Who next? I’ll tell you who…..Willie Nelson.

We have t-minus 15 days till TomorrowWorld 2015 kicks off on September 25th. This glorious spectacle of electronic music and #PLUR (whatever that is) resides on some dude’s farm in “Chattahoochee Hills” which is slang for “The woods 45 minutes southwest of the airport”. I bet said farm dude listens to Willie Nelson and fishes for bass instead of dropping it. I could be wrong. Shaq is a DJ.

This beast is 3 days long and hosts around 150k people. And by people I mean the hottest chicks you have ever seen on earth in their mid 20’s wearing nothing but smiles, thongs and candy bracelets. Leave your girlfriend at home for this one Bros.

EZ2014, Doug Van Sant, DVS, electric zoo

This party draws people from around the world and was started by a couple of gents from Belgium. The original festival is called Tomorrowland which just celebrated its 10th anniversary last year in Belgium. If I weren’t dirt poor and 80 years old I would have been there half nude and fully vodka’d up bouncing with the Europeans.

A little about the festival: 3 days, 10 stages, every single DJ on the f*cking planet and 2000 times as many lasers as Stone Mountain. You do the math. Or don’t.

There are a few things you should do for this festival such as always have a fanny pack, drink water, carry a extra cell phone charger, french kiss foreigners and dance like a handicapped horse. However, there are some things you SHOULD NEVER DO at this festival. Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD NOT DO at TomorrowWorld:

  1. Don’t make a green shirt with “Let’s Do Meth” on it like I did at Hangout Festival.       trey meth
  2. Don’t wear a homemade Deadmau5 head. That shit is played out and terrible.  dead spider
  3. Don’t bring your epileptic friend. That bastard will lock up in 8 seconds once the sun goes down. God bless there are some lasers at this farmville festival. 20140926232109_kevin_3272_WM
  4. Don’t let a girl get on your shoulders. I don’t care how hot she is. That 104 lb Holland model will turn into a 400 lb meat troll after 15 seconds on your shoulders and NEVER want to get down.  f g shoulders
  5. Don’t get a TomorrowWorld Tattoo. Actually, scratch that. Please lord get one. Email it to me Trey@asocialmess.com and you will win something I swear to God. TW Tattoo
  6. Don’t wear a morph suit you creepy rapist. That is by far the dumbest costume ever invented and generally worn by skinny methheads that want to look like a gigantic pair of pantyhose.People wearing morphsuits at Drayton Manor Park, Staffordshire, during a failed attempt to beat the current Guinness World Record for the most people wearing morphsuits. To beat the current record they would have needed a minimum of 250 people. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Saturday May 7, 2011. Photo credit should read: Rui Vieira/PA Wire
  7. Oh, and Don’t wear this either…1175756_10151854763574239_27613575_n
  8. Don’t eat a weed brownie at 2 am and tell your buddy to call the paramedics because you know for a fact, with 100% certainty, you are going to die.11717080_10207540336451761_642533284_n
  9. Don’t do vitamins you find on the groundgrounddrugbagthree
  10. Don’t do a sh*t ton of PCP infused homemade Bath Salts at 3 pm and wander to the MainStage to nap standing up. tw-naked 

There you have it geeks and freaks. If you have a better suggestion of what not to do at TomorrowWorld this year, feel free to comment below. Best one will win some TW swag and a lifetime supply of corn.

Trey

IG: furbustrey

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Halloween Party #6

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The goons at A Social Mess are back with their 6th Annual Halloween Party at the Buckhead Theatre. This is the largest Halloween Party in Atlanta and has sold out for a record 5 straight years. Two thousand freaks fill multiple areas with sexy and stupid costumes fumed by Atlanta’s top open format DJs and 80’s bands. Leave your mom at home and join everyone in Atlanta for a night of mayhem and monsters.

Doors at 8 pm. This event is 21+. No refunds.

Sign up for our mailing list to receive invites to all of our parties. asocialmess.com

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Amazing Life Hacks That Are Amazing

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By Trey Humphreys

Everyone is looking for a shortcut to a better life and more happiness. Well, lucky for you I have the answer: Drugs.

If Nancy Reagan scared you straight in ’85 and you think alcohol is goofy, then here are a few other life hacks that will improve your existence tremendously.

I was so inspired by James Altcher’s recent blog article about life hacks I decided to hack it and add some of my hacks. Now That’s What I Call Hacking, Volume 4. Remember hacky sacks? freaks.

  1. Carry dental floss sticks in the car within arms reach of the driver seat. Floss instead of texting your therapist in traffic.
  2. Whenever you lock eyes with a stranger, be the first to smile. It will change their life. Unless you are mutantly ugly then it might scare the piss out of them.
  3. Don’t do Adderall. It will burn holes in your soul.
  4. Try a psychedelic drug once in your life. It will be the greatest 5 hours of your life and you will meet God, laugh at nothing and get chased by trees. Good fun.
  5. Ask Siri what 0 + 0 equals.
  6. Exercise everyday. Fat people have smelly couches, snore and generally have mold in the shower.
  7. Shave a mohawk once in your life. This applies to female and males.
  8. Get a small iced coffee with light ice instead of a large iced coffee with normal ice and save $47 at Starbucks.
  9. Buy large dogs instead of small dogs. They don’t live as long and 98% of people are sick of taking care of their dogs by year 3.
  10. Never, I mean never, buy a parrot. Those bastards live 100 years, shit everywhere and are louder than most fire drills. God bless don’t buy a parrot.
  11. Sleep.
  12. Spend all your money on expensive sheets. You spend 50% of your life touching this material so make sure it is not that shitty cardboard sheeting you bought at the Dollar Store when you were a sophomore in college and looped up on 800 mg of Adderall. To focus of course…
  13. Eat a banana everyday.  That shit rules.
  14. Don’t eat a whole marijuana brownie at Coachella with 2 hippie chicks, a fashion designer and a divorced mother of zero when you are 40 years old and generally paranoid of people on the reg.
  15. If you are unsure if someone is too old/young to date, take their age and divide by 2. Add 70 and divide by 3 times your weight. Carry the 2. Multiply that by how many fingers I am holding up.
  16. Don’t masturbate in hot tubs.
  17. Try for a foursome instead of a threesome because there is always someone left out in a threesome.
  18. Don’t smoke cigarettes. That is some white trash shit right there.
  19. Poke everyone on Facebook. It confuses them.
  20. Whenever a waiter asks “how is everything” always reply “horrible” and smile. It takes them 14 seconds to process this.
  21. Leave the rebel flag out of your Tinder pics.
  22. Don’t ask Jeeves.

There you have it folks. The key to a happy life. Of course you can avoid all 22 of these life hacks if you just do crack cocaine everyday and sleep on a bare mattress under your dead grandparents house. Just saying. Oh, they are still alive? Wonderful.

For a much better article written by a much better writer, check out James Altucher 10 life hacks, habits and mega habits

Trey

IG: @furbustrey

Twitter: @furbustrey

Facebook:  TREY HUMPHREYS

Pinterest:  No idea what that shit is….

Rules for a Slam Piece

By Jessica

Let’s face it; some of us just aren’t cut out for the committed dating thing. But, we all have needs. So, what is one to do? I’ve got two words for you: Slam Piece. Never heard of it? Let me shed some light on this alternative to “dating” for you lost souls our there.

First, what is a Slam Piece? In layman’s terms (who is Layman?), a Slam Piece is a hook-up, a friend with benefits, a one-night stand, or, the most self-explanatory definition, a piece of ass that you slam. The key to a SP is a “no strings attached” attitude. Sound impossible? Not if you follow a few simple rules…

  1. Don’t go local – Local SP’s have disaster written all over them. How so? Let’s say you’re in a bar and run into your SP, and, God forbid, he’s with another girl (which is totally fine if he’s really just a SP). Now, who are you going to drunk dial later to satisfy your sexual desires? The best SP’s are the out of town SP’s. The sex is prearranged, so there’s no chance of awkward run-ins. A simple, “Hey, I’m in town, clear your calendar, get naked on your bed, and leave the door unlocked.” Simple, easy, in and out (pun intended).
  2. No stalking – If you really want the SP lifestyle, you can’t let your emotions get in the way of your sex life. If you start stalking your SP on Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter, you’re going to see something you don’t want (insert image of your SP in a too-close-to-your-face-selfie with another girl).
  3. Have more than one – Obviously, when you’re searching out SP’s, you have to omit the married guys, committed relationship guys, and the “I live with this girl, but we aren’t that serious” guys. But, when you do find someone else out there who just wants to hook up, then it doesn’t matter if you find more than one. I prefer the “Have a SP in any place you frequent often” model.
  4. Know when to cut the ties (optional). So, you’ve been slamming your SP for a while now, and he wants to start exclusively slamming. Enter emotions. Emotions violate the whole SP lifestyle. If it comes to this, cut the strings and find a new SP – STAT. That is, unless you’re ready for the whole committed dating thing, in which case, disregard this entire blog.

So, take a hint from the athletes in the Olympic Village, get on Tinder, and find your next SP.

Love,

Your Local Slampire

First TomorrowWorld Ticket Winner Announced

For the love of dropping the bass and PLUR.  By God we have the first winner of a pair of Friday tickets to TomorrowWorld on Sept 25th, 2015.  Watch this horrible short video where we announce the winner and can’t pronounce his or her last name.  We will be giving tickets away twice a week leading up to the festival so make sure you drop your email on our popup and follow us on the WORLD WIDE WEB SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS sans Pinterest.

Win Tickets to TomorrowWorld

My God people, 34 days until the loudest and most profound light show to ever hit South Fulton County begins and Trey Humphrey’s middle aged ass is going to be there. If you go to one festival in your life, whether you like dance music or not, this is it. The damn main stage is 3 football fields wide and a hair shy of Mt. Everest tall. These fools spend 80 billion dollars on pyro, lasers, stages, lasers, lighting, DJs, stages, lasers and a huge a$$ metal walkway over the lakes. At last count there are 10 stages and 100,000 hot chicks in tutus and glitter. They have villages of food and more white people than water polo. You must join us at this beast!
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Special for ASM Folks: We are offering a FREE Social Mess Halloween ticket for every TomorrowWorld ticket purchased through THIS LINK. We are trying to show the Belgians that we know how to party in Atlanta. If we sell enough of their tickets, they will give us one 6-pack of Bud Light.
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Instagram and Facebook. Stay tuned for details. Because DETAILS.
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