Top 5 Places to Dance in Atlanta

Do you dance? I do. Not excellent.

I f*cking love dancing. No idea why. Always have, always will. Humans have been dancing since the beginning of mankind. How do I know? Internet.

When I was in the 5th grade I won a break dancing contest at the local church fall festival. I was awarded a $10 gift certificate to the local record store. I couldn’t do the head spin but could pop-n-lock. #WWJD

NOTE TO MILLENNIALS: Records were flat round discs that had songs embedded in them and were played on a unique record player system that involved a needle and some other components that were invented by NASA.

Best record of all time? Glad you asked…Michael Jackson’s Thriller.  Don’t give me some bullshit that the Beatles or Creed had the best album of all time. It was Michael Jackson.

NOTE TO MILLENNIALS: Michael Jackson was a pop star from the 80’s who got his start in a boy band headed up by Joe Jackson. He married Elvis Presley’s Daughter.

Now, back to dancing. I grew up in Atlanta and thus have the inside scoop on the best places to go dancing. I also own the world famous Fur Bus which just celebrated 17 years of moving intoxicated people all over Atlanta. I also owned a waterbed when I was in high school like a complete idiot.

Before we dive into the best dance spots let’s first pay our respects to the greatest dance club ever opened in Atlanta: BACKSTREET. That place was magical, gay, huge and never closed.

NOTE TO MILLENNIALS: Backstreet was magical, gay, huge and never closed.

Now, on to the best places to dance in Atlanta:

5. CLUBTongue & Groove in Buckhead gets the nod for best club to shake a leg in Atlanta. Not too pretentious and won’t give you a seizure like a few of the other ones in town.

4. NON CLUB CLUBKoo Koo Room in Midtown is the best small non club club. It is located under a daiquiri bar owned by a reality star who doesn’t sleep at night and can predict the sex of a child before it is born. TMI.  Check out the daiquiri bar upstairs for 6 – 8 Jet Fuel Frozen Slushy Bombs then head downstairs and show Charles Barkley how to do the worm.

3. HIPSTER BARNonis on Edgewood is a deli? Restaurant? Bar? Dance club? Who knows. Mother is also a great place to dance to the ultra hip fusion of Indie hip-hop new age free range vegan emo dance pop. #Sustainable.

2. DIVE BARThe Pool Hall in Buckhead was opened in 1946 and still serves booze to the masses. Today there are DJs on the weekends and half million frat boys buying all things Tito’s for the train wreck blondes and high heal wearing brunettes. Snapchat it and add that wonderful puppy dog filter and find John John for free hugs and dolphin facts.

1. BEST OVERALLMJQ is not only the best place to dance in Atlanta, it is the best place in Atlanta. This melting pot of  hipsters, homos, lesbians, hip hoppers, frat kids, and old assholes like me is an old parking garage underground down off Ponce. Make sure to check out the dance circles that start up in the middle area and also show them the worm.

-1. CLASSIC – Johnny’s Hideaway has the best dance floor in the entire state of Georgia and could be the greatest bar in the south. They also serve chicken fingers during happy hour and have kicked me out 4 times to date.

MILLENNIALS: Johnny’s is the place you walk to after 40 Jager Bombs at the Ivy.

Want to dance some more? Check out this video for Lepre*CON and come dance with us all day on March 11 at Park Tavern. We get fired up at 2 pm and dance until we can’t dance anymore. Ticket prices still cheap so grab em up!

GET YOUR TICKETS HERE 

Trey (A Dancing Machine)

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Lepre*CON 2017 On Sale Now

Long live the Dirty Birds! Falcons are in the Super Bowl, Trump has not been impeached yet and I think the Hawks are good this year.  WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!

With that, we lovingly announce the 8th Annual LEPRE*CON 2017: the Largest St. Patrick’s Day Festival in Atlanta for 8 straight years …

Are you ready for the longest drinking day of the year? Do you own a witty green shirt? Can you put down a half dozen bud light tallboys? Want to meet 5000 new friends? Are you Irish? Can you find Ireland on a map? We can’t. Rise up.

Lepre*CON 2017
MARCH 11th, 2017
2 pm – 2 am
Park Tavern on Piedmont Park

We are launching Lepre*CON 2017 right now and selling a limited amount of tickets for only $10. Getcha sum and come dance with us!
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Burns Night Blitz

Calling all Scotsman! Calling all Scotswomen! Calling all people who drink Scotch! Calling Scott! … What?

It’s Burns Night right here in Atlanta! What is Burns Night? It’s a celebration over in Scotland for the OG Robert Burns’ birthday. Glenlivet has teamed up with Bookhouse Pub to throw the best Scottish Birthday Party every to be held in Atlanta on Jan 25th (6-9PM).

Who is Robert Burns? Please. Big Bobby Burns was a legend in Scotland and wrote Auld Lang Syne. THEREFORE, we are having a Scottish New Year’s Eve countdown (at 8 pm) as well complete with a balloon drop, kilt raising and huge Scottish toast – not the bread.

We wanted to spice this party up a smidgen, so we are adding a few “Social Mess inspired contests” to the night, such as:

  • Scottish poetry karaoke
  • Bagpipe sing-a-longs & trivia
  • C List celebrity readings
  • Some dude with a bag pipe
  • Scottish accent contests
  • Kilt dressing contests

There will be loads of prizes and plenty of tom foolery to boot. Come drink your fill of Glenlivet and party with us to celebrate some old Scottish dude’s birthday. And fake 8pm New Year’s Eve. And because you don’t have sh*t to do.

P.S. Mark you day-timer for March 11th, which is Lepre*CON 2017 at Park Tavern.

Top 10 Mistakes Girls make on Tinder & Bumble

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I am a dude who has searched thousands of Tinder and Bumble profiles looking for love. Oddly enough, I am still single and have yet to meet anyone from these love apps. Perhaps this is because I am unattractive, old and poor. Well, this is off to a good start.

Let’s move on…

Since I have viewed every female profile between the ages of birth and death in a 12,000-mile radius of Atlanta, I have seen the best and worst profiles. I have come to the conclusion that some ladies are doing it all wrong. Am I an expert? Yes. And No. Well, maybe. Not really. Prove it.

Gals, here is what you are doing wrong:

10. KIDS – You love your 6 kids. We get it. However, Tinder and Bumble are about one thing only…how you look. And if you look good, we want to kiss you. Then you drop a pic of an awkward 6-year-old with a box turtle and all that romance goes right out the window.  Plus your kid has salmonella.

9. VAGUE PROFILE BIO – First, we don’t read your bio. We skip right to “friends in common” so we can look you up on their Facebook to see what you really look like…I digress…

Here is every female bio: “I love to travel” Great. Finally, someone who loves to travel. Like a needle in a haystack. Let me guess, you like the outdoors too?

8. PICTURES – If you only have 1 picture on your profile of your face it means you are missing 3/4 of your body from the neck down which makes for an awkward first date. I guess.

7. SMILE – Please smile at some point in your pictures. Loosely translated, a smile often times has been known to represent happiness. The duck lips and pouty face might work for models getting paid 100k an hour to wear Victoria’s underwear but it makes us think you are mean and love $12,000 purses (And those stupid shoes with the red on the bottom that Oprah wears). Overstock.com. Botox in your calves.

6. FILTERS – If every one of your pictures has the Snapchat filter with butterfly halo that makes your teeth perfectly white and your skin wonderfully bronze then you are hiding something. Gout? Chickenpox? A beard? Wood teeth? Adams Apple?

5. NO HOOKING UP – “Not on here for hookups” – Yeah right. Swipe your phone right into the trash.

4. DOG PICTURES – You love your Toy Goldendoodle Terrier Mix named Stinky Sprinkles but we don’t.

3. GROUP PICTURES – Dudes are the dumbest animals on the planet. If it is a guessing game we will lose. I have no idea what that means.

2. BLURRY PICTURES – Unless you are blurry in real life avoid the blurry pictures. And if you are blurry in real life then that is f*cking awesome.

1. There is no one because I am hungry…

Trey

Listen, if you hated this article or thought it was GENIUS will you please buy a ticket to our Halloween Party so we can pay our Mailchimp monthly fee? Get a ticket or 200 HERE and we will never, ever, stop loving you.


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Who Would Win in a Tennis Match: Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton?

scroll down to get answers.

Grab your balls and sign up for the Fall Season of Sets in the City. Here is the skinny:

  • Fall Season: 9/13 – 10/25
  • Teams: 6 people min per team (3 girls / 3 dudes)
  • Matches: 6 matches per season
  • When: Tuesday Nights

Where: Piedmont Park, Blackburn Tennis Center, and Bitsy Grant Tennis Center

Have you ever played tennis? Who cares. Have you ever touched balls? Who cares. Have you ever been rachet? Sorry, racket. Who cares. There are 13 reasons you should sign up for this tennis league:
  1. It is only $60 and they take care of everything
  2. They only allow 18 – 35 year olds
  3. You need the exercise
  4. It forces you to talk to other people
  5. Your cats need some alone time
  6. Tuesday night TV sucks
  7. We get paid to send this email
  8. It won’t be hot as balls outside this fall
  9. People that play sports are more attractive than people that don’t play sports
  10. You should always wear costumes during tennis
  11. You get a free t-shirt
  12. HOLY SH*T!! A FREE TSHIRT?
  13. There is no 13
Ok, so back to our original question: who would win if Don Trump played Hillary Clinton in tennis? The research department here at A Social Mess poured over thousands of pages of research and and ran millions of algorithms to determine who would win the tennis match. Here are the results:
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In regards to each of the two candidates tweets surrounding Serena Williams tennis match, Donald Trump got 25,019 likes and Hillary Clinton got 11,488 likes. Therefore, Donald Trump would win. God help us all…
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REGISTERNOW

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Eats & Beats 2016

On May 19, 2016 I feel in love with a beautiful woman. The first time I laid eyes on her she took my breath away. She also took a pack of Nutter Butter cookies. We connected immediately and were lost in each others’ eyes. She is a recovering alcoholic, 43 years old and named Mila. She was rescued by Jane Goodall from a bar in Tanzania when she was 18 years old, where she was given booze and cigarettes by the patrons every day since she was young. They relocated her Chimfunshi Wildlife Orphanage in Zambia where she had to be detoxed. I was there helping build a school for Children of Conservation and, well, we fell in love. Or at least I thought we did …

HEY! Let’s party. Join us on August 11th from 7 pm-10 pm for my wedding (with a chimpanzee) at Eats & Beats! Why? Two words: THERE IS A KICK ASS OPEN BAR AND FREE FOOD FROM THE BEST RESTAURANTS IN ATLANTA AS WELL AS YACHT ROCK REVUE PLAYING LIVE ON STAGE.

Oh, and it helps the kids of the sanctuary workers over in Africa as well as hospitality industry folks who are in hard times here in Atlanta. Specifically, Children of Conservation and The Giving Kitchen.

How much you say? There are a few presale tickets on sale right now for $55 and you can save an extra $10 bucks if you use the code “ASM”. Without doing long division and Algebra II, that is $45 a ticket. $45 for open bar, free food from 25 of the best restaurants in Atlanta and Yacht Rock Review. Seriously? Yes. Seriously. I am being serious. Swear. Do it. It? Yes, it. Buy the tickets. You need them. They’re going to get expensive. Do it now.

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RESTAURANTS INCLUDE Local Three, Cibo e Beve, Common Quarter, Muss & Turners, The Big Ketch, Gypsy Kitchen (VIP), The Southern Gentleman (VIP), Smokebelly BBQ, Dennis Dean Catering (VIP), Paces & Vine, Eclipse di Luna, Metrotainment Bakeries, Guaco Joe’s, Farmburger, Doraku Sushi, Venkman’s, Food 101, Epic Events (VIP), Chicken & the Egg, Davios at Phipp’s Plaza (VIP), Watershed on Peachtree, Wrecking Bar, Cook Hall, Red Sky Tapas, Horseradish Grill … more to be announced soon

Maybe one day Mila and I will get married. However, the keepers mentioned that she is very popular and may have other love interests. Now, I am not a jealous person but I can not handle that shi … So it goes, love it a battlefield.

Buy a ticket yet?      -Tinder Tom

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BREAKING NEWS: Lepre*CON To Replace TomorrowWorld

AP Release; A Social Mess’ Lepre*CON Festival said to replace TomorrowWorld as the best festival in Atlanta this year due to all the hardships that fell upon TomorrowWorld last year. This comes as no surprise to Lepre*CON’s producers because they have been drunk for 6 straight years. What is Lepre*CON you ask? GREAT QUESTION KARL. Lepre*CON is A Social Mess’ bastardization of a St. Patricks Day festival held at Park Tavern and Piedmont Park on March 5th. Critics agree that there are 10 main reasons that the Lepre*CON Festival is better than TomorrowWorld. We caught up with Sara Davis, who was a member of A Social Mess until an abrupt retirement this year who had this to say about the differences in the two festivals:

10. Lepre*CON is NOT on an animal-less farm 35 miles from Atlanta with zero cell service and 60,000 Kandi Ravers named Molly PLURing at each other.

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9. Lepre*CON  doesn’t have 12 different stages playing the exact same song for 12 straight hours.

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8. A Bud Light won’t cost 22.876 pearls which converts to $84.25 dollars requiring you to load $200 on your magical bracelet from a  ATM that works 42% of the time.

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7. Craig Devaney’s Instagram.

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6. A Social Mess didn’t hire a retired, 8 foot tall gigantic NBA player to DJ.

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5. You don’t have to sleep in the woods for two days waiting on Uber at Lepre*CON.

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4.  Lepre*CON’s VIP doesn’t cost $5000 and include a shitty one person TeePee tent because A Social Mess is too dumb to figure out how to do VIP. Unless you want VIP. If so, email trey@asocialmess.com and he will figure it out I guess.

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3. A Social Mess doesn’t hire $200,000 European DJ’s because A) they won’t do a Wet T-shirt contest during their sets B) they play the exact same songs as $200 DJs C) they require helicopter rides. A Social Mess doesn’t have a helicopter. They don’t even know anybody that has a helicopter.

#3 on to the plane

2. Tomorrow is NOT a mystery. Tomorrow is a huge f*cking hangover.
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1. A Social Mess won’t file Bankruptcy if there is scattered light rain.

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There you have it. Seems like TomorrowWorld is now YesterdayWorld and all of Atlanta is gearing up for the 6th annual installment of Lepre*CON on March 5th from 2:00 pm to 2:30 am at the Park Tavern. Iron your drinking pants and grow a green t-shirt. It’s on….

Tickets available HERE and are $485 cheaper than 2015 TomorrowWorld tickets.


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Two Stages – 10 DJs – Live Band – Bud Light – Wet T-shirt Contest – Donut Eating Contest – Twerk Contest – Surprises all day long

Side Note: We have been to TW every year and had a f*cking blast! Rave on ravers.

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-Trey Humphreys

Top 10 Non Fancy Restaurants in Atlanta

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By Trey Humphreys.

The gift of laziness instills a hatred for cooking and my lack of intelligence prevents me from trying.  My pitiful bank account balance prevents me from eating wonderful food at wonderful restaurants like the ones with 3 stars on Yelp. This is my life.

I eat out every single meal.  Every one.  And let me note how sick I am of whole foods and their free range salad bar with zero HGMO’s and sustainable carbon footprint that always adds up to $18. Whole Foods. Dear Allah, please bring back Eatzi’s …

Now, so you know, I am from Atlanta so have been eating all over this city for the betterment of 80 years.  I’m surprised I still have arteries.

Anyway, here are the top 10 non fancy restaurants in Atlanta that have sustained my existence for the past few decades:

10.  Chic-fil-A:  I swear to God if Chic-Fil-A decided to serve breakfast all day it would end the cold war and shut down every fast food company on earth.  Open a Chic-Fil-A wherever ISIS lives and they will never blow themselves up again.  Crazy bastards.  I  could eat 45 spicy chicken sandwiches in one sitting washed down with a nice glass of more chicken sandwiches (However, I will say that the grilled chicken tastes like socks and strip club carpet).

9.  The Original Pancake House – This joint is next to Tara Cinema and is the best breakfast in Atlanta.  The omelettes are the size of a fat girl’s head and the bacon is cooked in cocaine.  There is also a menu item called the “Dutch Baby” which appears to be a 70 lb pancake the size of an active volcano and covered in 12 feet of powdered sugar.  It scares the shit out of me.

8.  Waikikie Hawaiian BBQ –  Some weird dude runs this place and he intentionally spelled Waikiki wrong.  They grill up Hawaiian bbq type food with a shit ton of rice.

7.  The Earl – This East Atlanta staple smells of thrift store hipster jean shorts and Marlboro 100’s but has killer food for a bar. Who says killer?  Bruh.  Oh, and they have boiled peanuts which are GOD’S GOLDEN NUGGETS OF WONDERMENT AND EUPHORIA.

6. Sushi Kiku – Listen, I have no idea what is good sushi so don’t freak out if Jiro didn’t roll this fish.   All I know is I usually hit the lunch buffet once a week and their dinner menu is always 50% off sushi rolls.  You can wallow through 100lbs of fish and rice for $11. Mercury levels my ass.

5. The Mad Italian – I discovered this haunt when I used to go to the mental hospital by perimeter mall for therapy with some bizarre soft spoken therapist that wanted me to forgive my dad and love my inner child.  Thanks.  They have carpet and the soup is amazing.  Therapy and carbs.  Welcome home.

3. Waffle House – Shut up, you love it.

2. Fellini’s Pizza –  There is no better value in Atlanta than Fellini’s pizza.  They have a basic salad, basic pizza and basic beer.  It is the greatest restaurant concept on the planet.

1. Eats – This is the best restaurant in Atlanta, Georgia. The jerk chicken is f*&king amazing and the cashier has tattoos on his face.  They have half a million different veggie sides, chili, meatloaf and a completely different line for pasta. If I ever get married (Read: Outliers) the reception will be here and the honeymoon in Conyers.

Let me know if you have any other joints that are worth mentioning because I am pretty sick of eating at all these places…

Trey Humphreys

Ever Heard of Facebook?

Quit Your Job and Move To Thailand

By Jessica Collins

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Many have asked me why I’m quitting a baller job in corporate-America to flee the country and live internationally in a city I’ve never been to doing something I know nothing about. No, I’m not running from a guy. My FIL (see below) is almost clear. No, I’m not trying to find myself. After a near-death car wreck that lead to a full blood transfusion, you, quite literally, get a fresh start. I’m definitely “found” and have been for a while.

I’m going because I want to explore the other side of the world for more than two weeks at a time. Plus, I really like Thailand. And, I’m pretty sure I owe a stripper at “Super Pussy” a rematch from our last Ping-Pong game.

But, rather than drop everything I’m doing and run away fugitive-style, I did make preparations prior to my departure. These are my top 5 “must-do’s” before you get a wild hair in your ass to do something similar.

5.  Eat Pizza Hut every day. Seriously. When you’re going to a remote town in Northern Thailand where most of the cuisine is street vendors frying up tarantulas, you better get your fill of whatever American food you want… Taco Bell, Steak ‘n Shake, Zaxby’s. For me, I love a good personal pan pizza when I’m hungover. The grease. The cheese. Yes, to all of it.

I never eat fast food (Chick-fil-A doesn’t count) unless I’m drunk or hungover. My go-to is Pizza Hut. So, I’ve been eating it frequently. Am I consuming 6,000+ calories a day and making myself physically sick? Yes. But, I’m not worried about it considering I’ll probably have stomach issues the first few months in Thailand from Montezuma’s Revenge. My pizza-induced stomach ache will feel like a walk-in-the-park compared to what’s coming.

4. Get Botox. Having recently tuned 30 and been told that I have wrinkles, I decided I had to take care of those lines in my face ASAP. I do not know the healthcare “sitch” in Thailand, nor do I trust 3rd world doctors, who got their medical degree from Rice Farmer’s University. So, I’m not going to let them inject a chemical into my face that could make me look like one of those freaks from “Botched.” Instead, I chose to use a Groupon for a plastic surgeon in the states, who got their degree from DeVry.

3. Be a tourist in your home city. After 10 years of living in Atlanta, I have absolutely zero desire to tour CNN, drink shitty coke at the World of Coke, ride the ferris wheel, or climb through Underground Atlanta. But, now that I cannot do any of those things anytime I want, I’m doing all of it. I want to bask in the boring nonsense Atlanta has to offer because there’s a very small chance I might actually miss this place.

2. Stock-up on the necessities. If there’s something in America you cannot live without (something small, like Chapstick – not a mattress), then you better stock up. There’s this zit-cream that I cannot live with out. No clue if I’ll be able to find it in Thailand, so I cleaned out every CVS within a 5-mile radius of my house to take it with me. No one wants to look like a prepubescent, pimply teen in another country because they cannot find good skin-care products… AMIRITE?

And, you’re going to need to stockpile your daily medications. Primarily, birth control and Adderall. No one is trying to reproduce a local anytime soon, and Adderall because… it’s Adderall.

1. Finally, the MOST important thing is your Fuck-It List (FIL). Not to be confused with “bucket” list. Everyone has those local guys or gals they want to bang… either for the first time or for the millionth time. If you’re moving internationally, you may never see that potential slam piece again. So, a FIL is mandatory. It’s easy and the rules are simple. Just tell him/her/them that they’re on the list, set a time and date, then slam until your heart’s content. Your time is limited. Your list should not be. You could never see each other again. Your plane could go down over the Pacific. You NEED to slam while you have the chance. So, satisfy your libido stateside, then get the hell out of dodge.

Bonus:  Learn the language. Do I speak Thai? Nope. Should I try and learn Thai? Probably. But, I’m banking on my “winging-it” plan being effective.

Pair Up People, It’s Relationship Season

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By Trey Humphreys

Hey, guess what? It’s not 104 degrees with 104% humidity anymore, thank God. Fall is upon us which means one thing and one thing only. Time to find a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. God bless this sucks.

For the record, we are fast approaching the 8th straight year that I will celebrate Christmas single. Therefore, let it be known that I am no expert on scoring a lover for the winter. However, a man can dream and if I have to spend another holiday season with my mom and her designer dogs, I’m joining the Navy.

Clearly all rational human beings agree that it is imperative to be single during spring and summer months. Bikinis, pool parties, festivals, patios and daylight whichever-one-makes-it-light-outside-longer savings all conspire to reward the single man and woman. There is no reason to snuggle up on the couch with a nice fire and tub of pizza when it is 98 degrees outside. Do the math you gross bastards. Who owns a fireplace? Rich.

Summer was made to swing. Not swing like a 47 year-old-odd-shaped couple up in that Bridgemill neighborhood, but swing like mix and mingle. Flirt. Play the field. See what’s available. Day drink till you wake up in the bushes at 7:35 pm. Think Ivy.

Or in my case, watch every series ever made on Netflix. Siri even put me in the friend zone.

Now, we are moving into November so if you haven’t landed a lover yet, you are behind the ball. I have no idea the best way to find a side-piece and am pretty sure Tinder is broke because I haven’t had a match since Ronald Reagan started middle school.

The reason you want to find a girlfriend or boyfriend for the winter months is two fold; it is cold as piss outside. Well, maybe that was one fold.

Nobody wants to go outside. Nobody is tan anymore. Nobody is in shape. Everybody is horny.

I think they should change the whole “Movember” mustache thing to “SINGLE BUTTON-OVEMBER” where everybody who is single wheres a huge red button that says “SINGLE”. That way, by December we all might be paired up. Or at least you guys would be.

Another reason to have a significant other during the winter is so you can tolerate all those stupid holiday parties where everyone just stands in the kitchen the whole time.  What if we had a Tacky sweater party? OMG! HAHA! SO FUN! I want cocaine.

Well, lock and load folks. It is time to pair up. If you are a single girl, 98% disease free and find below average bloggers sexy, well, look no further. I clear 35k before taxes and live in a condo.

Trey Humphreys

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