By Trey Humphreys

Everyone is looking for a shortcut to a better life and more happiness. Well, lucky for you I have the answer: Drugs.

If Nancy Reagan scared you straight in ’85 and you think alcohol is goofy, then here are a few other life hacks that will improve your existence tremendously.

I was so inspired by James Altcher’s recent blog article about life hacks I decided to hack it and add some of my hacks. Now That’s What I Call Hacking, Volume 4. Remember hacky sacks? freaks.

  1. Carry dental floss sticks in the car within arms reach of the driver seat. Floss instead of texting your therapist in traffic.
  2. Whenever you lock eyes with a stranger, be the first to smile. It will change their life. Unless you are mutantly ugly then it might scare the piss out of them.
  3. Don’t do Adderall. It will burn holes in your soul.
  4. Try a psychedelic drug once in your life. It will be the greatest 5 hours of your life and you will meet God, laugh at nothing and get chased by trees. Good fun.
  5. Ask Siri what 0 + 0 equals.
  6. Exercise everyday. Fat people have smelly couches, snore and generally have mold in the shower.
  7. Shave a mohawk once in your life. This applies to female and males.
  8. Get a small iced coffee with light ice instead of a large iced coffee with normal ice and save $47 at Starbucks.
  9. Buy large dogs instead of small dogs. They don’t live as long and 98% of people are sick of taking care of their dogs by year 3.
  10. Never, I mean never, buy a parrot. Those bastards live 100 years, shit everywhere and are louder than most fire drills. God bless don’t buy a parrot.
  11. Sleep.
  12. Spend all your money on expensive sheets. You spend 50% of your life touching this material so make sure it is not that shitty cardboard sheeting you bought at the Dollar Store when you were a sophomore in college and looped up on 800 mg of Adderall. To focus of course…
  13. Eat a banana everyday.  That shit rules.
  14. Don’t eat a whole marijuana brownie at Coachella with 2 hippie chicks, a fashion designer and a divorced mother of zero when you are 40 years old and generally paranoid of people on the reg.
  15. If you are unsure if someone is too old/young to date, take their age and divide by 2. Add 70 and divide by 3 times your weight. Carry the 2. Multiply that by how many fingers I am holding up.
  16. Don’t masturbate in hot tubs.
  17. Try for a foursome instead of a threesome because there is always someone left out in a threesome.
  18. Don’t smoke cigarettes. That is some white trash shit right there.
  19. Poke everyone on Facebook. It confuses them.
  20. Whenever a waiter asks “how is everything” always reply “horrible” and smile. It takes them 14 seconds to process this.
  21. Leave the rebel flag out of your Tinder pics.
  22. Don’t ask Jeeves.

There you have it folks. The key to a happy life. Of course you can avoid all 22 of these life hacks if you just do crack cocaine everyday and sleep on a bare mattress under your dead grandparents house. Just saying. Oh, they are still alive? Wonderful.

For a much better article written by a much better writer, check out James Altucher 10 life hacks, habits and mega habits


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