“for someone who always gets what he wants, this is too much fun.. but yeah, I know when to bow out.. 

you asked about my personal style in the 3 questions.. if it means anything, my last two serious g/f’s were supermodels.. one moved back to Poland after graduating from college, the other moved to Milan for an incredible gig with Armani.. i’ve even dated a couple celebs so you can see why my confidence is somewhat high.. 

anyway, i really did try.. hard… i even made you something which i never do this early but whatev.. when you’re done swimming in the kiddie pool, you have my number.”

-anonymous douchebag

I am a 25 year old girl with the daunting task of dating in this city.  Prior to Atlanta, I was enticed by friends to set up residency here by their comments on the plethora of single, chivalrous men in this quaint city we call Atlanta.  Since moving here, I have had my fair share of dates.  I partaken in many activities with the hopes of meeting that “one” special person.  I have played kickball, I have taken dance lesson, I have attended numerous volunteer events- all things that I love doing, all things that my “special one” failed to show up for….so then, I did it, I turned to internet dating.  Upon first sight, I am not ugly (or so I think), I have a great body (according to all my guy friends), I am fun and very motivated. So I suppose, the idea, that “I” was going to join an internet dating site was confusing to a lot of my friends.  

Immediately, I was bombarded with my friends replies of “why in the world are you doing that?…you are beautiful” or “I find it hard to believe that you can not get a date”.  I guess, I figured that somewhere in that complex “system of tubes” known as the internet, there was someone like me…a good, nice, person looking for their compliment.  I envisioned  one day when my friends tell me after meeting “him”,  ”awww, Lauren,  he is so great and normal….where can I find a guy like that?” proving all of them wrong about their previous convictions to internet dating.

So, armed with my computer and subscription to “e”, I was not neccisarily looking for my husband, but just someone cool to hang out with, laugh and maybe be my boyfriend…but little did I know that I would find quite possibly something bigger than that, some much larger than I had ever imagined…quite possibly, dun dun dun…..”Atlanta’s biggest D-bag”.  

Now, that is a serious claim.  I intend (if need be) to back it up with my emails on the website as well as various text messages that have all blessed me with a certain doucheyness that is far beyond any douchey satirical skit composed by Saturday Night Live.  I even thought it would be funny to actually go on a date with this alleged D-bag and record everything, so YOU can be the judge.  

I am sure from his communications which include talk of bimmers, weekend getaways, ex-model girlfriends, old money, “more class than delta” (yes, he insulted our city’s airline!!!) and other d-bag comments, you will find and soon agree, that I, quite possibly have found Atlanta’s biggest D-bag.  Take for example the most recent attempt to lure me to D-bagville, when I did not respond immediately to a text when asked to go on a date with him: 

“i come from old money and southern tradition runs deep.. i knew what the 5 forks were when i was 4y/o and my mom still speaks with a deep chawleston draw.. you know what Jay-Z says.. “you can go to school but you can’t buy class” and i’ve got more class than delta..”

or his generous douchey, double edged compliments:

“i’ve been on eH for ~3 months off and on and you’re the only person i haven’t closed for one reason or another.. feel special? “

Now, I am sure that deep down in the doucheyness of his cold, self righteous soul, there is a heart- I know it because he told me so after I did not immediately respond (again- turns out I have a job) to a drawing he made for me of a  flower in Photoshop with the following text  following his artistic contributions:

“i was just making sure b/c apparently i have a heart.. who knew.. “

Dating is hard…everyone knows it.  I am not here to complain about it or say “why me?”…rather it is to laugh about with my fellow single girls that have crossed a D-bag’s path…it’s simply to remind all those hot, single, good Atlanta girls, that you,  too can laugh and even poke fun at the D-bags when they come your way.

Douchlessly Seeking…Lauren O’Brien