By Michael Sugarman 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become a student of how societies’ traditions and mores have done more to confound my generation than guide it.  From what I can tell, people in their 20’s have, for the most part, successfully avoided the pitfalls that those of us who are older have not.  These pitfalls have created a gap between societal expectations and what an individual may actually want for themselves.  So how does this gap affect the genders? 

Well, for both, it means relying on a completely bogus set of rules (yes, gals, THOSE rules that you went crazy for when they were published in a book, but in reality had been following on your own for years after learning them from your mother.  Who learnt them from HER mother) that codify a code of conduct in dealing with the opposite sex.  These rules teach the supposed trade-off between sex and a committed relationship, forcing women to play goalie from men who in turn learned THEIR old double standard from their dads: it’s cool and expected to have as much sex as you can with as many different girls as you can.  Do these fathers tell their little girls the same thing?   Of course not!  In fact, they usually warn them that boys only want one thing.    Thus, the double standard. 

While each decade has tried a new slant on these old societal standards, there haven’t really been either new ideas or a break from the old aphorisms passed down from generation to generation.  Thus, today we’re just as conflicted as our parents and grandparents were.  Women continue to treat “casual” sex like their diets: “I really shouldn’t, though I’m dying to…” because they’re afraid to break the rules.  Even the word casual has become problematic.  God forbid women enjoy sex for its own enjoyment outside of a relationship.  These days, “casual” is a synonym for “slutty”, which negatively defines the word instead of what it actually means: that women have the ability to choose to have sex with a person they find attractive yet without regard for how much this person has for relationship potential.  Yet to “casually” have sex was verboten for their mothers and grandmothers, so someone who indulges in this is a slut.  For men, it’s similar, but in reverse.  Yes, I can envision the rolling of female eyes at this, but consider: When is it ok for a guy to say that he’s truly interested in a committed relationship?  The answer?  Never!  Saying that will only scare away any girl who hears it.  But a relationship is exactly what women are trained by the double standards to want! 

My point is that these societal (double) standards have gotten things so confusing that no one knows how to act anymore.  Girls still adhere to asinine sayings heard from moms/aunts/grandmothers like “don’t give the milk away for free” while guys (even old guys like me) are afraid to want a relationship.  We have to appear to have stumbled into it, as if by accident.  And if we do, by some miracle, find someone that we like enough to move into a committed relationship, there is tons of societal pressure to think/act in certain ways that, more often than not, doom the relationship before it’s even gotten off the ground!   This pressure usually comes from pointed questions, such as: “Are you dating other people?”, “Is it serious?”, ”How long before you drop the ‘L’ bomb?”; “You’ve been dating for HOW long?  And you’re not engaged?!”

I’m not profoundly stupid enough to think I have an answer, a formula, or a magic spell to solve the problem of how double standards have messed up the dating world.  Not to get into the nurture/nature debate, but at least in this area, we are a product of our parents.  But their legacy, at least in the dating world, is the confusion these double standards have caused.  That it is both pervasive and unbelievably frustrating is an understatement, or to quote a song from the Boss:

“It oughta be easy
It oughta be simple enough:
Man meets Woman and they fall in love.
But the house is haunted
and the ride gets rough
You learn to live with what
You can’t rise above”.