by Trey Humphreys
Damn the hangover. Damn, damn, damn the hangover. For those of you freaks that claim not to get hangovers, scram. For the rest of us normal human beings, the hangover is pure misery. Are two hours of booze-filled euphoria worth the solid day of what feels like bird flu mixed with a slow death? Yes.
Now, I was nursing a sweet hangover this past Monday with some of my booze-hound friends and we started discussing what would be the WORST places in Atlanta to go with a hangover. Here are our top 10:
10. Stone Mountain Park – The idea of hiking a mile up a rock in 96 degree heat with a hangover makes me want to boil my eyes out.
9. Flywheel – As if having to ride a boutique bike as fast as your dumb legs can go isn’t enough to amplify a solid hangover, go ahead and add in the enormous sound system they cram into a room size of a shower stall and blast EDM music straight into your swollen brain. #drinkdirtytraindirty
8. Federal Reserve Bank of Atlanta – Have no fear, there is actually a money museum in this joint which would be a constant reminder of all the money you pissed away on vodka vodkas and grapeyberrybomb shots the night before at one of the 1,000 different bars you visited.
7. Agatha’s Mystery Theatre – Forget the Tylenol and Gatorade! Join the cast of Agatha’s for a nice little 9 hour dinner where you are required to think the whole time. Shoot me. Who shot me? Get it? Whatever.
6. Church – Go ahead and add a hangover for your soul.
5. The World of Coca-Cola – Sure, a nice cold coke does wonders for a hangover but not 12,000 different flavor cokes from Trinidad and Bolivia, a trillion kids and a gigantic white polar bear with a man inside who probably feels worst than you do.
4. The Humane Society – There is not, my friend, one single place on all of the earth that is more annoying than the indoor large dog facility of the Humane Society. The acoustics of 12 million dogs barking can be heard in other solar systems that don’t exist yet.
3. Skyzone indoor trampoline park – Goes without saying. Terrible.
2. Andretti Speed Lab – 100% barf factory as your body maliciously jerks in all directions while you are pinned in a super go-kart wearing a jumpsuit and used helmet. The good news is said barf stays in your face due to said helmet then runs down the inside of said jumpsuit. Joyful.
1. The Cyclorama – What do you get when you combine alcohol poisoning, excruciatingly boring history and a spinning room? Vomit.
Well, there you go. I am sure there are other places in Atlanta that would be horrible with a hangover, such as ANYWHERE OTHER THAN YOUR COUCH, but we simply don’t have time to explore anymore. Too hung-over.